Should I apply?

I'm really stressed about some unbloggable issues in my personal life. Like, really stressed. It's making it difficult to deal with run-of-the-mill stressors like the hassle of getting license plate for my new car. And even more difficult to make more important decisions. So I turn to you, dear readers.

This post will probably self-destruct pretty soon. Sorry it's so long. I wrote it mostly so I could clear my head.

Ok, so I've been in my postdoc for a year and nine months. I made a rather big change in what I do and the new stuff is VERY sexy. It's also extremely interdisciplinary, to the degree that I would never learn the other parts well enough to do them myself (no one would). There have been quite a few job ads aimed at someone with my postdoc skills, including one in my PhD department. However, I decided not to apply for jobs this year for four reasons. 1) despite being in this lab for over a year, I have acquired very few of the skills someone would expect me to have coming out of a postdoc like this. Instead of learning the lab techniques, I have been designing experiments, writing proposals, and analyzing/interpreting already-collected data, all of which rely on the skills I acquired through my PhD. There's hope, though. One of my projects should start to bear data soon, and that will teach me screeds. Another should provide an opportunity to learn some of the lab skills, and a third will be cool as hell. So I should learn a lot in the next 6-12 months. 2) My publishing record sucks. The second paper from my PhD is now in press and I"m working on the third. The first paper from my postdoc has been rejected twice and we've been sitting on it. However, I expect the next year to be extremely productive in terms of papers. 3) My postdoc advisor suggested I wait, since next year my application would be SO much better and I don't want people to associate me with this year's weak application. 4) EGM is still not finished with his thesis. The date just keeps getting pushed back and he's feeling awful about it. I feel like he will feel terribly trapped, left behind, and like a failure if I get a permanent position and he has to go where I go. Like it would do permanent damage to our relationship.

My grad advisor has encouraged me to apply for the position in his department. In addition to the factors listed above, there are other reasons not to apply. 1) I don't think I'm competitive. 2) I have lots of friends among the grad students, and it would be a bit weird. 3) I have absolutely no business teaching the topic of my postdoc as a basic undergrad course. I simply do not have the background for it. 4) I'm still not convinced I want to be  professor. 5) I don't have the skills to launch a lab in the area of my postdoc research. 6) My negative feelings about the department have not yet entirely abated. 7) If on the off-off chance that I got this job, how annoyed would I be that I didn't apply elsewhere, like someplace in a better climate? 8) Given all this, I don't want to spend the time and effort on an application.

So, why would I even consider applying for it? 1) My institution really doesn't like to keep postdocs for more than three years, so applying for jobs next year is potentially going to leave me with a gap. 2) It's flattering to have someone encourage you to apply. 3) We know we mostly like this city 4) EGM could likely find something here, even though it would probably not be what he really wants 5) My contacts on the hiring committee might improve my chances 6) Would a man ever hold back in a situation like this? 7) This job is written for me, inasmuch as it's written for what I do now. I might be able to negotiate a later start date and by that point I would probably be qualified for the job. 8) My research is SO interdisciplinary that I would never be able to do it on my own. Thus, being close to my current postdoc lab would mean I could continue to collaborate with them. It might be one of the only ways to do this type of work long-term.

So, what should I do? I had decided not to apply, but then I got an email from grad advisor saying I should. The application is due Friday, and if I do it I think it will take me most of the week to put together something decent.