The psychology of being stuck

All week I floundered on a paper. It's one from my PhD that was really in pretty good shape in my thesis. I just had to extend the data analysis I did for the thesis, edit the text based on the new statistical results, and then do some other editing to include literature that has been published in the last two years (TWO YEARS since I defended! Reallly?!?!?!). Relatively straightforward, right? And that's good because the publishing plans of other groups is motivating me to get this thing out now.

I couldn't figure out how to do the analysis. I knew what I wanted to do conceptually, but I couldn't figure out how to execute it. The papers I found were like, way beyond my level. I found some helpful advice in some stats forums, but it wasn't specific enough to my problem. Finally on Thursday I talked with my old advisor, told her what I had figured out and where I was stuck, and we came up with a plan to move forward that puts the ball in her court for now.

The interesting thing is that once we figured out what to do, it became clear what else I could do on this paper that doesn't involve the stats results. All week I had been feeling like I couldn't do anything else until I had these stats nailed down. That's partly true because the outcome will have a big impact on how we tell the story. But, there are some sections that don't hinge on that outcome. I was just so caught up in my imposter syndrome that I couldn't see all the things I could do. Why do I (repeatedly) let this happen?

You win

Thanks for all the great advice about the job application. In the end, I did it. I think the application was a lot stronger than I ever thought it would be at this point in my postdoc, so I didn't feel like an ass when I pressed submit. I'm also really happy to have a research and teaching statement ready to revise for future applications.

It's funny because if I had read a post on any of your blogs that was similar to what I wrote last week, I would have responded as you all did -- totally apply! make the difficult decision when there's actually a decision to make! a man wouldn't hesitate! it's excellent practice! -- and yet, it was a real dilemma for a couple of days because my emotions were clouding my judgement. My friends have always tended to comment that I'm very rational and not overly emotional, so I'm always taken by surprise when my emotions interfere with decisions. I'm not complaining about that because I think it's helpful to listen to your emotions--your gut--to make sure you're considering factors that might be difficult to prioritize in a rational way. I'm happy to be emotional sometimes.

Anyway, I'm grateful for this wonderful blog community!

Should I apply?

I'm really stressed about some unbloggable issues in my personal life. Like, really stressed. It's making it difficult to deal with run-of-the-mill stressors like the hassle of getting license plate for my new car. And even more difficult to make more important decisions. So I turn to you, dear readers.

This post will probably self-destruct pretty soon. Sorry it's so long. I wrote it mostly so I could clear my head.

Ok, so I've been in my postdoc for a year and nine months. I made a rather big change in what I do and the new stuff is VERY sexy. It's also extremely interdisciplinary, to the degree that I would never learn the other parts well enough to do them myself (no one would). There have been quite a few job ads aimed at someone with my postdoc skills, including one in my PhD department. However, I decided not to apply for jobs this year for four reasons. 1) despite being in this lab for over a year, I have acquired very few of the skills someone would expect me to have coming out of a postdoc like this. Instead of learning the lab techniques, I have been designing experiments, writing proposals, and analyzing/interpreting already-collected data, all of which rely on the skills I acquired through my PhD. There's hope, though. One of my projects should start to bear data soon, and that will teach me screeds. Another should provide an opportunity to learn some of the lab skills, and a third will be cool as hell. So I should learn a lot in the next 6-12 months. 2) My publishing record sucks. The second paper from my PhD is now in press and I"m working on the third. The first paper from my postdoc has been rejected twice and we've been sitting on it. However, I expect the next year to be extremely productive in terms of papers. 3) My postdoc advisor suggested I wait, since next year my application would be SO much better and I don't want people to associate me with this year's weak application. 4) EGM is still not finished with his thesis. The date just keeps getting pushed back and he's feeling awful about it. I feel like he will feel terribly trapped, left behind, and like a failure if I get a permanent position and he has to go where I go. Like it would do permanent damage to our relationship.

My grad advisor has encouraged me to apply for the position in his department. In addition to the factors listed above, there are other reasons not to apply. 1) I don't think I'm competitive. 2) I have lots of friends among the grad students, and it would be a bit weird. 3) I have absolutely no business teaching the topic of my postdoc as a basic undergrad course. I simply do not have the background for it. 4) I'm still not convinced I want to be  professor. 5) I don't have the skills to launch a lab in the area of my postdoc research. 6) My negative feelings about the department have not yet entirely abated. 7) If on the off-off chance that I got this job, how annoyed would I be that I didn't apply elsewhere, like someplace in a better climate? 8) Given all this, I don't want to spend the time and effort on an application.

So, why would I even consider applying for it? 1) My institution really doesn't like to keep postdocs for more than three years, so applying for jobs next year is potentially going to leave me with a gap. 2) It's flattering to have someone encourage you to apply. 3) We know we mostly like this city 4) EGM could likely find something here, even though it would probably not be what he really wants 5) My contacts on the hiring committee might improve my chances 6) Would a man ever hold back in a situation like this? 7) This job is written for me, inasmuch as it's written for what I do now. I might be able to negotiate a later start date and by that point I would probably be qualified for the job. 8) My research is SO interdisciplinary that I would never be able to do it on my own. Thus, being close to my current postdoc lab would mean I could continue to collaborate with them. It might be one of the only ways to do this type of work long-term.

So, what should I do? I had decided not to apply, but then I got an email from grad advisor saying I should. The application is due Friday, and if I do it I think it will take me most of the week to put together something decent.

Nuggets

I bought myself a big bag of Hershey's Nuggets to use as rewards for work done. Read a paper? Get a nugget. Do a set of statistical tests? Get a nugget. Write a paragraph? Get a nugget.

One of the papers from my PhD needs to get submitted very soon. It's perhaps the most interesting of my thesis chapters, but also the most complex. My grad adviser and I sent samples from the project to one group of collaborators so they could make some measurements for an independent project and we sent data to another group so they could use it in a new model, and both groups will be ready to start writing soon. In addition, my postdoc adviser and I finally figured out how to revamp a paper that has been rejected twice, and I have substantial responsibilities for making that happen.

I don't care if I eat 25 nuggets a day if it means getting these two papers moving.

My website

Chall asked what I meant when I said I established a professional website. It's just going to be a typical university-style set of pages describing my research interests with stuff from my cv. It will also have a blog that I intend to update maybe 1-3 times a month with personal updates (e.g. when a paper gets accepted), commentary on cool papers, or observations from meetings.

The website for our recent conference was powered by Wordpress via my institution. At first I was all, "why are you giving me a blog when I asked for webpages?" But it turned out to be super easy to manage and it looked really slick. The content were all in "pages" and I used the blog part for "news". I plan to do something similar with my own site.

A cool feature of Wordpress (maybe Blogger or other platforms too) is that you can pay to have your own domain name but still use all the structure, templates, everything from Wordpress. So my page is ecogeofemme.com rather than ecogeofemme.wordpress.com which is kind of neat. Probably most of you already knew about that, but I didn't before this weekend.

I've been meaning to establish a website for my professional self for a long, long time. I simply don't have enough presence on the web, especially now that it's nearing the time when I'll be looking for jobs and I have all this exposure from the conference. I think I finally found a way to do it that's easy enough that I'll actually do it!

A bust, or just what I needed

This weekend was kind of a bust. I didn't manage to get my license plates, although I did try. I guess I need something from the dealer first. Also, there is some confusion about the sequence of events leading to me acquiring the correct permanent plates since I bought the car in a different state from where I live.

I started my own professional website using wordpress. It doesn't have a lick of content yet, but I did get the domain name and template established. I had some other light work in mind, but I didn't even touch it.

We did spend a bunch of time with friends this weekend, which was glorious. We really haven't gotten to see much of our friends for the last month+ since EGM's parents were here. I also vegged out a bunch. Although that is not so satisfying afterwards, I think I needed some intense down time. Unfortunately, I'm still feeling a little floppy today. I packed gym clothes. Maybe a workout after work will revive me.

One thing sort of off the list

Ok, so today was a little better than the past several days. I drafted a report summarizing last month's conference for our funding officers. It will need some revision, but it's close. I also made a decision about the next step in my experiment that won't work and figured out what part I need to buy for that. And...that's about it.

This weekend I need to get license plates and a parking permit for my new car. It will feel good to get those things done before the 11th hour.

Worn out

In the past 6 weeks I have

• Convened the 150-person conference for which I was the lead organizer.
• Hosted Ecogeoman's parents for a month. In our one-bedroom apartment.
• Coordinated the local travel of EGM's friends and family who were all visiting from overseas, including three of his friends (one with his baby), his brother + wife (who had different itineraries), his sister + wife + toddler.
• Traveled to my hometown.
• Had my car break down as soon as we got there.
• Bought a new car the next day.
• Had our wedding.

EGM's parents just left yesterday. It was an awful goodbye, despite the fact that we were all more than ready for some elbow room. Now I'm feeling guilty for being so terribly distracted from work.

Today I went to a seminar, had lunch with the speaker, read part of a paper that I am refereeing, downloaded the guide to authors for a journal we are targeting for a paper that's already been reviewed at two other journals, and read a few of the autism-related articles in the special feature of Nature (or was it Science? Doesn't matter, this is utterly unrelated to anything at all that I do). And looked at Facebook a whole lot.

I have something due-ish tomorrow, so hopefully that will spur greater productivity than today.

Hey

I haven't posted in a long time.

But the blog hasn't died. Although I haven't had much motivation to write, I've been keeping up on lots of other blogs and held this one in the back of my mind. I've wanted to write about many things about my postdoc that were puzzling or interesting, but I felt weird about sharing that stuff here for whatever reasons. Furthermore, I don't think I've needed this as an outlet in quite the same way since I defended.

However, I've been missing the blog lately. I have been pining for the intense period of productivity I had in the months before I defended. Obviously that was largely motivated by the looming deadline of my defense, but the accountability and support I got from blogging was really helpful.

So I think I'm going to make an effort to post somewhat regularly again. But instead of writing essays on how I think life as a scientist should be, I'm just going to write short updates about what I've been up to at work. We'll see how that goes.

Bad boys

Ecogeoman and I have been watching The X-Files from the beginning on Netflix. Tonight we got to the episode in season 7 where it's like an episode of the show Cops. I asked EGM if they had Cops in Far Off Land, wondering if he would get the comedy of the X-Files episode. To my mild surprise, he said yes. I asked if they had a Far Off Land version or if they just got the regular American version. "Ha!" he said. "There isn't enough crime in Far Off Land to have a whole show about it!"

Why do we live here again?  Oh yeah, 'cause there's no jobs in Far Off Land either.

One dot

I'm trying to switch from using two periods between sentences to just one. I prefer the look of two, but I know the world is switching, and I know my OCD boss uses one (although I haven't noticed him deleting periods from my documents, which wouldn't necessarily be out of character).

To facilitate this change and to help with other issues, I've starting writing with the formatting showing in Word. Research Advisor does that, and I always thought it was super distracting. Now I'm not only turning into my mother, but also my advisor.

Can you tell I'm in writing jail?

Montage mode

Sometimes when I have a lot of work to do, I try to imagine myself doing it like a movie montage. People in movies always seem to be able to get so much done with such joy when their work is overdubbed with upbeat music and they flip from one scene to the next. Dontcha wish you could go into montage mode sometimes?

Have I shared this here before?

Quality of life

Quite a long time ago, Karina asked her readers to imagine what could improve the quality of their lives.  I don't remember exactly what I said -- I think it was about job opportunities and health insurance or something. Well, I have better health insurance now with my postdoc and it's great. However, I think moving to our new place a year ago had an even greater impact on my quality of life.

• First and foremost, my commute is dramatically reduced compared to what it was.  It used to take me a minimum of 45 min and up to 2.5 hours to get to/from work. Now it's a reliable 30 min. On top of that, the more central location of the new place makes it easier to get out of town on weekends and to get to most of our friends. 

• I used to give EGM a ride most days and we would bicker about it each and every day (I need to go. But I haven't finished my coffee. I'm ready. Let me just put on my shoes. Come on!). Now he walks to work, so that tension is gone. 

• Due to poor security in the lobby at the old place, mail would regularly get lost and packages would get ripped off. Now there's a secure place for packages and we have an outgoing mail drop.  

• We used to hike three flights of outdoor stairs to coin-operated laundry that was often broken (I once fell on icy steps with a full basket of laundry). Now we have laundry in unit, which is just about the best thing evah. 

Our building has a number of other lovely amenities that are pretty damn nice. There are tradeoffs, of course. The most notable being that the new place is much smaller -- a one bedroom -- and we're having EGM's parents for a month in the fall. I have no idea how that's going to go.

How this situation happens again

So, we're hosting this meeting again and it's up to me to get invited speakers. Last year, we worked together to figure out who to invite and I sent the emails and stuff. This year, I'm getting input from others, but in the end it's pretty much up to me. The big boss had some suggestions, but he doesn't really know all that many people in the field.  My direct boss is much better acquainted with the field, but there are big gaps in his knowledge. I have different gaps. This is how it works when you're involved in interdisciplinary research.

Anyway. I'm disappointed in myself/us, because at this point we only have one woman lined up out of seven speaking slots so far. We asked one who said no.  Some of the other usual suspects spoke last year and we don't want to overuse them (we are passing on some men for the same reason).  In some cases there is a man we needed to invite for complicated political reasons, which means we passed on a woman who works on a similar topic.  I think we'll be inviting on the order of six additional people, and hopefully we find some women in that round of invites.  Of course it would be fantastic to get some people from other underrepresented groups too, but I don't even know where to begin with that.

So that's how it comes to pass that even a meeting with a woman in charge can be dominated by men.

Goals

We are hosting another iteration of the small meeting we had last year, and I am in charge again.  Mostly, this is very cool.  I'll get lots of exposure, it helps build the reputation of our institute, and it will be a very cool meeting. But, I don't want people to see me as a postdoc who organizes meetings instead of doing research.  So, now it's my mission to push, push, push this one special experiment far enough for me to have something neat to present. 

There is some perfume I want real bad, but it is super expensive.  I have decided that I will buy it when all of my PhD papers are accepted for publication.

Ten years

It was ten years ago this week that I went to my first meeting, which means I've been doing this work for a decade.  Wow. 

I recently went to a new-to-me meeting (where I suspect I missed the chance to meet a bunch of bloggers - boo!) that was pretty interesting. Not my people, exactly, but I learned some science and had good interactions with my boss. It's weird starting over. I know tons of people at my normal meetings, but very few at this one. In a way it felt like the first few meetings I attended, except that I now know how to navigate a meeting and I know a lot more science. I understand how to pick which talks I see, which sessions I skip, how to handle a poster session, how to mingle in the hallways. Fortunately, I was able to go to meals with my boss and various friends of his, so I was never on my own in an awkward way. Yet I didn't feel like a puppy because I went to most sessions on my own.

Now I'm all jazzed up to get some data!

RBOC

• It has been a long time since I posted., and I have lots of interesting posts from other blogs on which I would like to comment saved in Reader.  I haven't really wanted to open my computer at night lately.  
• I know it will pass, but I have been feeling a bit disillusioned with my job and job prospects.  I feel out of sync with some of my colleagues, big picture-wise.  Also, my institution is already feeling the consequences of the unsettled budget, and it is surprisingly demoralizing. This, after I recently got a raise (which was surprisingly motivating - my first merit raise ever). Why give raises and do things like cut travel?
• I will be starting on Accutane in a few weeks.  I welled up a bit when I read the drug description information that reported much better and longer lasting success than I had expected.  That makes me excited to start despite it being somewhat intimidating and a total pain the the ass.  Permanently clear skin would be a revolution of sorts for me.
• I am developing increasingly intense animal allergies.  The allergy to cats first appeared a few years ago, and has gotten steadily worse. This is disappointing because we would like to get a cat someday. Now, apparently, I am also allergic to dogs.  That is not disappointing, however, since I don't have a dog-loving bone in my body.
• The last of repairs to our apartment after last October's flood are finally done.  It was quite disruptive, but now we can finally put everything away once and for all.  We can even hang pictures on the walls now!

External motivation

I love my job.  Really I do.  I'm excited about my science: I like thinking about it, writing about it, making data happen.  But I get so much more done when I have some kind of outside motivation.  For example, I told you about my recent deadline for a paper.  Honestly, without that deadline I don't think that paper would have been done for months. 
 
For several reasons, I can no longer do Twix Challenges.  I miss that fun, positive influence on my work habits.  Now, however, PI and I started a new thing.  We each had a small side project we wanted to get done last week, so decided that whoever finishes by noon on Monday gets to keep a silly trophy in their office.  If both or neither of us finish, then the trophy goes in the lab.  It will stay wherever it lands until we initiate a new contest when we both have something we need to get done.  I think it will help.

Sometimes my lack of internal motivation makes me feel bad.  If I like my work, why is it so hard to do it?  The best answer I can come up with is it still is work, after all.  I like it, but I don't like it in the same way I like a picnic on the beach.  I think I just have to give in and do whatever works without feeling like it says anything about my "passion".

Getting creative

Ecogeoman and I have noticed that if your field is small, you sometimes have to get creative to solve practical problems in the lab. Without tons of people out there doing the same kinds of work, there might not be enough demand to warrant design and marketing of specialized equipment for your purpose.  So the thing you need might not exist, or if it does you might not know about it.

Fortunately, we can usually come up with something that will do the job.  We're constantly repurposing stuff to find solutions to little problems.  Cutting up PCR tubes, getting creative with toothpaste, spending hours in craft or hardware stores describing what we want without getting into all the bizarre details of the experiment.  My new lab is getting a taste of this now, and I think they find it pretty frustrating.

I suspect you don't run into these problems so much if you do NIH-funded stuff (not because of the funding, but because there are so many people doing similar types of work).  Whole companies exist to supply the needs of bioscience researchers -- and they have competition!  I'm getting a taste of this in my new lab now, and I think find it pretty delightful.  Sure, there are companies selling stuff specifically for workers in my old field, too, but there just aren't as many and their offerings are more limited.

I did have an experience recently where I tried to MacGyver a lab set-up, and then found a supplier for everything I needed, deigned exactly for my purpose.  It was glorious! 

Do my readers who work on cancer and stuff face similar challenges?  Or is my assessment way off-base? 

Where'd I put that?

The bathroom at my work is at the intersection of two long hallways, near the copy room, the mail room, and the stairs that lead to the autoclaves, ice machine, vending machines, outdoors, and other labs.  I tend to stop in the bathroom on my way to do something else, and I've noticed that other people do too.  Lately, I've noticed a lot of stuff left behind in the bathroom, like printouts and safety glasses.  People who stop in the john on their way from doing something else need to set down the things they were carrying while they visit the bog, and then forget the items on the bathroom counter.  Last week there was an ice bucket in there for two days.   I'm sure these people are all, "where the hell did I leave that thing?"  and then are totally all "duh" when they finally find their missing ice bucket or whatever in the ladies'.

Another one down

I can't believe I didn't tell you guys: I submitted a paper last week!  From one of my thesis chapters.  It was the one for the special issue and I managed to get it in by the deadline. 

One of the coauthors gave me very important comments very quickly.  One didn't have any comments, but that was fine given the circumstances.  Another gave me feedback on Friday night, and the last suggested relatively substantial changes on Saturday night.  The paper was due COB Monday.  I really, really appreciated that the last two read the paper, thought critically about it, and gave me feedback.  But some of those comments didn't get addressed because I just didn't have enough time.  That sucks for two reasons: 1) they spent their valuable time making comments that were ignored, and 2) my confidence was undermined because I knew there were problems that I couldn't fix before I had to submit.

I'll have a chance to incorporate more of their suggestions after review, either to go back to this journal or to try somewhere else, so ultimately those comments will get used.  And I guess it's good for my own perfectionism/impostor syndrome to just have to move forward even though I felt a little out of control.  I think the experience was positive on the whole, especially because the paper never would have gotten out so fast if there hadn't been a deadline.  I think I'll be able to say that more emphatically if the paper is accepted.   

A students aren't quitters

The always-insightful Dean Dad has a recently posted on hiring practices in academia.  I particularly liked this paragraph on why aspiring academics fight so hard and long for super-rare jobs that may not even be that awesome:

I’m convinced that one reason some people won’t let themselves let go of the dream, despite years of external signals suggesting that they should, is a sense that it would reflect a personal moral failing. They’ve identified so completely with the ‘meritocracy’ myth that they feel a real need to redeem themselves within it. It’s more than the money; other fields often pay more. Instead, they see the status of “tenured professor” as a sort of validation of everything they’ve done. Leaving the academy would be admitting defeat and accepting failure; lifelong “A” students, as a breed, aren’t very good at that. It’s not what they do.

Like many of you, I've often wondered why it's so hard for people who are miserable to give up the ghost and try for a different sort of job.  I particularly wonder about really unhappy grad students since they are early enough in their careers to take a different path. I think Dean Dad hit the nail right on the head. I don't really even have anything to add here. 

The winner is...

Thank you all for voting on my wedding dress short list.  I ended up going with something of a mash-up of the dresses I posted before.  I really wanted something with some coverage over the shoulders, and this one came with a little lace bolero jacket that I  will wear with it the whole time.  Also, it's kind of hard to image with these pictures, but I think a sash will go really well with it.

It was a sample dress, which meant I got to take it home right then rather than ordering it in my size.  It will need a major hem, or course, and to be reduced in the bust, of course, but other than that it won't need too much alternation.  Even though they are typically cheaper, I had kind of given up on sample dresses since they are mostly in sizes that are way too large for me, but I got lucky with this one.  It was the last one of many, many that I tried on at a point when I thought I might have to settle for something I thought was just ok.  Then I found this one and I just love it!

 

Keeping a foot in both worlds

One of the tricky things about switching fields, yet being interdisciplinary, is figuring out how much involvement you want to keep in your old field.  My research still incorporates a lot from my old field, and I still identify as more of an Old Field-ologist.  Yet, I want to make inroads into New Field since that's the direction I've chosen for my budding research program.

This identity crisis isn't much of an issue except when choosing journals for papers and picking which meetings to attend.  There are two Old Field meetings this year that I really wanted to go to, but I think I'm going to miss them both in favor of New Field travel.  To be clear, it would have been completely relevant to take my current postdoc research to the Old Field meetings.  I say I switched fields, but they are not completely alien to each other.

Ultimately I'd like to work right on the border of the two areas.  My goal for my postdoc was to learn as much as I could about New Field(s), and then be able to assimilate that with my old stuff into something really cool and unique and interdisciplinary and, I think, hot right now.  So while it's disappointing that I'll miss my favorite meetings and the old friends and colleagues I'd see at them, I think it's better for my progress to go to the New Field events.  I'll be on a steeper learning curve, so I'll probably get more out of them, and I'll probably be expanding my network faster.  But it will be a little sad to tell my science friends, "no, I'm not going to Favorite Meeting again this year.  But I swear I'll be back someday soon".

Thank you

Dr Becca has a nice reminder to send thank you notes after you interview.  Totes.  After the workshop we hosted last year, I sent hand-written, snail-mail thank you notes to every speaker.  It might have been overkill, but I think it left a positive impression.  In fact, a few of the speakers emailed to thank me for the thank you note!

That workshop was a ton of work.  Work that kept me from doing other things, like research.  It was worth it, though, because I got a ton of visibility and really expanded my network.   I sent the thank you notes because we were genuinely grateful to have such great talks, and because I wanted to reinforce my new relationship with the excellent scientists who gave them.  On the flip side, I think there was some risk of seeming like a secretary with the hand-written notes.

We'll probably have another workshop this year.  I'm trying to decide how much involvement I want (to the extent that I'm allowed to decide).  I have lots of ideas for how to improve it, I'm intensely interested in the topic, and it's an amazing opportunity for networking.  But: I don't want people to think I'm a postdoc who organizes meetings instead of doing serious research.  I think the key is to approach it as a group effort by the organizing committee instead of one person (me) being the obvious lead.

Keywords

Does anyone have a good strategy for choosing keywords for papers?  I can never decide on the best 4-6 words that are informative but not already in the title or abstract.  Sometimes I'm perplexed at the keywords on papers I read, so I think other people also find it challenging to pick good keywords.

Just ask

I just read Kate Clancy's excellent post summarizing the panel to which she contributed at Science Online 2011.  The post is awesome, and the comments are great too.  I found the discussion of self-promotion by women compared to men particularly interesting.  I started the book Women Don't Ask a while back, and although I still haven't finished it, it had a big impact on how I think about getting what I want.  For instance, I negotiated for a slightly higher salary than I was offered (although a man probably would have gotten even more), and I feel less guilty than I used to about asking for things at work. 

Still, like many of Kate's commentors, I am amazed at things a man will have the nerve to request.  One man actually asked to be invited to speak at the meeting we had last year, and so we did!  It would never occur to me to do something like that. 

My favorite comment there (so far) was this one by Stephanie Meredith:

And now I realize that when a woman hears the message, "You have to self-promote. Don't be afraid to self-promote," she may interpret that in a completely different way from the man who's sitting beside her getting the same pep-talk. Now I realize that I need to ask my male colleagues for specific advice in this area. Now I realize that when a man encourages me to self-promote, I should be asking "How? What would you recommend in this situation? Are there any other things you think I should do?"

For realz.

Writing highs and frustrations

The paper we submitted to the GlamorMag is going out for review!  We're ecstatic.  Everyone cross your fingers for the next six weeks or so.  kthnx.

On the other hand, all the other papers are such a struggle.  And you know, getting feedback, or even a rejection, doesn't bum me out in a defensive way.  I rarely feel like the reviewers are stupid or assholes or whatever and the comments almost always make the paper much stronger.  But frankly, I'm over it.  I'm tired of most of the papers I'm working on.  My reaction to substantive comments is can't it just be done? Can't I just not have to look at this fucker anymore?

I'm making it sound worse than it is, of course.  I'm venting my frustrations because what's a blog for, after all?  In addition to finding out about our paper's progress at the GlamorMag, there has been movement on a couple of other publications this week.  I submitted the meeting report on Monday, and we already heard back that they don't want it as is, but they invited us to try again with a change in focus (requiring major revision).  That's fantastic and the paper will be much more interesting, but can't I just be done with it?  I also tweaked a draft of a manuscript from my thesis work and resent it to the coauthors today, but I'm expecting requests for big annoying changes.  Can't it just be pretty much fine?

I say, it's a hard knock life being a scientist with stuff to publish.

Progress

So I didn't meet those goals I had for December, but I'm still chipping away at them. Let's revisit them, shall we?

1. Submit a commentary piece based on the meeting we hosted.  Waiting for the last coauthor!

2. Turn around the manuscript that was rejected over the summer.  Stalled.  It's next up.

3. Draft manuscript for special issue paper.  I sent a very decent draft to the primary coauthors today!  Cross your fingers that they will turn it around in time for the deadline.

4. Work with PI to revise big manuscript.  Done!  Submitted to GlamourMag the day before break!  So far it hasn't been rejected.  Even if it gets denied without review, it's a HUGE relief to have this thing basically done.  PI has been in a great mood this week all because this giant log-jam is gone.

5. Establish protocol for sample processing.  We tried out some things, and hopefully will have it finalized tomorrow.

6. Finalize protocol for lab experiment.  I got my shit organized.  Next thing is to make it happen in the lab.

Wiiiiiiiiiii!

Instead of buying each other Christmas presents, Ecogeoman and I decided to get a Wii.  We'd been wanting one for quite a while -- I wanted it to play games and EGM wanted it to watch instant Netflix movies.  I love it!

We've already watched a bunch of movies.  That's great because we've been paying for Netflix for ages without actually exchanging many movies.  The selection of instant movies is disappointing, but I'm confident that they will be adding lots more soon since they seem to be really pushing the streaming format.

Playing games is fantastic too!  We got Just Dance 2 for Christmas from my mom and it is fun fun fun!  There's a really diverse selection of good songs and the choreography is mostly pretty easy to follow, plus it's a great workout.  We got a Zumba game as well, but I haven't tried that for more than a few minutes yet (Just Dance is too much fun).  EGM and I have also had fun playing the basic sports games too. 

I'm so glad we got the Wii instead of stressing about shopping for surprise gifts.  I really hope we continue to use it as much as we have been this last week.

Welcome 2011

I love New Year's resolutions (NYRs), but I'm having trouble coming up with good ones this year.  I've had really good success with NYRs in years past, notably the year I paid off a bit of stubborn credit card debt thanks to the motivation from a NYR.  Last year I made a few that I really liked, but I abandoned them almost immediately. This year, rather than setting super-specific rules for my behavior, I need an over-arching theme. 

This year needs to be about getting my shit together.

On paper, 2010 was a really good year for me.  After defending late in 2009, I finished my thesis revisions and deposited in January.  I went on a fantastic cruise vacation with my BFF.  I started my postdoc.  I'm making way more money with better health insurance.  We moved to a great new apartment, which improved my quality of life dramatically (I should write a post about that improvement).  We got engaged.  I had a success with a big responsibility at work.

But I felt kind of off all year.  No, not off.  Just not quite on top of it.  We didn't visit my family frequently enough, which has made me feel kind of out of touch with them and my BFF.  Although some things at work have gone very well, I still haven't collected any new data.  We have a venue for our wedding, but no other plans.  I haven't gotten any more of my thesis papers published since I defended, although I submitted one that got rejected.  Nothing went badly at all, but I feel like I could be doing better.

My work-related goals are twofold.  First, I will publish the rest of my thesis, damn it.  My thesis should generate four papers: One is published; Two is going in a special issue related to a conference and is due January 31; Three has been rejected once and is almost ready to resubmit; and Four might go to another special issue and in that case would probably be due in March.  If Ecogeoman and I want to have any hope of finding decent jobs together, this just absolutely must happen soon.  Second, I need to be a bit more aggressive with my lab work.  I've got some cool things started, but now it's time to make data happen. 

I have a longer list of personal goals. The highest priority is to not let wedding plans fall though the cracks.  I don't want to feel like decisions and preparation for this wedding are a big ball of guilty blah because I waited too long.  I'll probably have to make more trips to my hometown to make arrangements, but that will will also address the issue of not seeing my fam enough.  I'd also like to entertain more.  Our social life, frankly, is pretty good.  However, I think we're kind of passive socializers, so having friends over more often should help me feel more in control of our plans.  And it should go a long way toward another goal: keeping the house in order.  We're messy.  I have to just accept that.  But just a tiny bit of effort could go a long way. 

All of this is about being assertive and proactive.  Time to take responsibility for how I want my life to be and make it happen.  Happy New Year!