Numbers are hard

I am a visual person. I understand most concepts by picturing them somehow. Sometimes the image is very literal and sometimes it's a more symbolic representation of a concept. My brain has has not, however, learned how to visualize numbers in a conceptual way. It makes life as a scientist difficult at times.

When I think of a number, I picture it -- written on a page, as a puffy helium balloon, as a tick label on a graph axis. Some of the numbers that have similar shapes, like 3, 6, and 8 get kind of muddled up. Same with 1, 7, and 9. I have heard some people say that they assign colors or genders to numbers and that helps keep them sorted. I can kind of relate to this because my brain loads some words with an unrelated sound in a way that's difficult to explain, but helps me process and remember words. I think this might be a very mild form of the intriguing phenomenon synesthesia, which is "a neurologically based phenomenon in which stimulation of one sensory or cognitive pathway leads to automatic, involuntary experiences in a second sensory or cognitive pathway." I think I first heard about synestheisa when FSP described her perception of letters in color, which sounds just amazing.

Unfortunately, I confront numbers in my work every single day. Tables can be challenging. I frequently mentally convert entries in a table to bar graphs in order to compare values. It can be a little embarrassing because I seldom remember important numbers from my own research. Someone will ask, "how fast did x process occur?" and I will have to picture one of my figures with enough resolution to see the axis. I usually have to check my notes before I can give a reliable answer. Only the simplest values or the ones that I read/write the most often get stored long-term, but they are usually saved by rote memorization and lose their meaning.

Interestingly, I really like math. I like that nature can be described with numbers and mathematical concepts. My difficulty remembering numbers is not part of a larger problem with math or learning. Just memorizing. When I was little, I had a really hard time mastering my times tables and so everyone thought I'd be lousy at math, but once I got to algebra I rocked out.

It's funny how you can learn to deal with your weaknesses. I think it's also important to remember that just because someone has a specific weakness does not mean they can't handle a larger challenge. And that something that seems really important at one stage, like learning multiplication tables, quickly becomes small potatoes. I think I'll try to remember that as I struggle with writing my dissertation.

Quick update

I haven't posted in ages and I'm way behind in my blog reading. We have a house guest for several weeks, which is keeping me away from my computer in the evenings. It's a very fun guest to have because the person is excellent company and a perfect match for me science-wise, so we're having lots of great science discussions. Also, I mentioned in the comments that I had to travel for a funeral. It was a sad affair for an uncle who wasn't that old (71) but had been sick with cancer for several years. He lived a high-quality life much longer than initially expected, but the final decline was very quick. I'm glad I got the chance to say goodbye and it was good to see my family (the kids grow so much between each visit!).

I'll try to get back to regular posting, but I'm sure it will continue to be intermittent as long as our guest is here. I will especially try to get on the interviews I promised to several bloggers. Sorry about the delay!

Bean-Mom interviewed me! Here are her questions and my responses.

1. If you weren't in science, what do you think you'd be doing?

It's difficult to picture myself doing something totally outside of science. However, it's possible to imagine a fulfilling career doing something besides research. For example, I could see myself working for a consulting firm or regulatory agency. In the last couple of years I've thought about having a business that provides professional development training for scientists. I envision such a business being something like the dissertation coach's job, but I'd expand beyond dissertations to time management, career strategy, and all the other things we regularly talk about on our blogs. I'm not sure what kind of training or qualifications I'd need to pull that off.

I have a list of dream jobs, but most of them are not things I think I would/could actually pursue. Maybe financial advisor.

2. What's your dream job?

Professional dancer. I imagine it every day. After that, it's voice over actor, professional development coach for scientists, and financial advisor.

3. Okay, you've just defended your thesis and as a reward your fairy science godmother is going to give you an all expenses paid month vacation to do whatever you wish. Trekking in the Himalayas, chilling on a beach, exploring Europe with ecogeoman.... whatever. Also, you can bring along whomever you want (fairy godmother will pay for them too). What would you do and who would you bring?

That's easy. I'd go to Far Off Land with EGM and whoever else wanted to come along for part of the time. In fact, we're trying to find a way to take an extended visit there in the next year. I have a major fantasy wherein we graduate, secure post docs, give up our apartment since we'd be moving for post docs anyway, and then spend 2-3 months in Far Off Land. In my fantasy we spend part of our time working on papers lingering from our dissertations and part of our time exploring the country. I'd like to get to know the place a little better and spend more time with his family and friends. I've been trying to save so we can do at least a short trip there, although it's the kind of place where you go for at least 2-3 weeks since the trip takes so much time and money.

4. Name a book that has affected you deeply.

This is tough. The Jungle really stuck with me, especially after I later read Fast Food Nation and discovered all the same hardships and injustices are still at play. For reasons unknown, I'm fascinated by stories set in the Gilded Age, especially those that focus on working class people.

5. What do you think of the city where you are now living? (I ask this because I am familiar with the place, and just curious as to what you think of it!)

I love it here! It's such an exciting place to live. A post doc in our lab once said it feels like the lid is just barely kept on this city -- that it's on the verge of chaos at any moment, but in a mostly good way. I think part of that comes from the diversity -- I can see women in burqas in the grocery store, same-sex couples walking down the street holding hands, a whole spectrum of skin colors in classes at my university -- which means there is lots of different stuff going on all the time.

Because of that (and because of the huge market here), you can find almost any activity or food you can imagine. Best of all, lots of it is in walking distance. I live smack in the middle of the kind of super livable neighborhood that Ruchi recently described. I love that there is good public transit (although I hate actually taking it). I feel like the city is very accessible -- easy to get around, hard to get lost in -- and that it was easy to find ourselves a little nest within it.

However, I've been thinking about this question a lot lately as I start to investigate potential post doc opportunities. There are so many things I love here, but the city has major drawbacks as well and those are starting to grate on me. The winter weather blows. A little topography would be nice. It's really expensive, so I feel like a lot of the cool stuff to do is out of reach. And although I said it was easy to find a little space for us, it has been difficult to make friends here. People from the university are so spread out that it's impractical to hang out with some of the students I'd like to build relationships with. It's easy to get lost in the crowd. But mostly, I'm really sick of my commute. Furthermore, I feel like it takes forever to get anywhere. And it's so damn hard to get out of the city to natural areas. Once you do, they are crowded with everyone else from the city. It'd be really cool to live someplace where a nice hike would be a day trip instead of a long weekend with reservations required three months in advance. Thus, I'm torn about whether I'd like to stay here longer or move on for the next stage of my career. Not that I think I'll have much control over it.

Thanks to Bean-Mom for the interesting questions! Readers, if would like me to interview you, let me know in the comments.

Good news

Ecogeoman would like you to know that he got a fellowship to pay his stipend next year! Since he intends to graduate before next school year is over, he's hoping that they'll let him start the fellowship early, which would relieve major stress since there may not be a TA for him this summer. Since he's foreign, he can't really work anywhere else, so we're worried he may not have any summer funding. Here's hoping for some flexibility.

How convenient

Why is it that there used to be sick mother/baby combos on Grey's Anatomy pretty regularly before Addison left, and then suddenly there were none after she moved to California? So now she's visiting Seattle and there just happens to be a rare, complicated sick mother/baby case? This shows really waxes and wanes for me. It goes through phases of being compelling in a sloppy soap opera way and then it irritates the crap out of me by being just sloppy.

I should just stick to Lost, which was AWESOME. Seriously. Who are we supposed to trust? Did Locke fix it? Is Faraday like Richard? Is Eloise going to tell us everything we want to know next week? I can't wait! And yet, I don't want to rush time. Such is life.

Inspiration Award

I'd like to thank Amanda for honoring me with this lovely Inspiration Award. The rules say I should now nominate 7 bloggers who inspire me. I want to honor some bloggers who do something I find totally amazing: blog in a foreign language. These blogs are written in excellent English by people whose first language is not English. It's hard enough for me to write in a coherent way, and I'm writing in my mother tongue. Cheers to those who have interesting things to say and can say it in more than one language!


1. Amelie (who writes in not one, but two languages!)
2. Hypoglycemiagirl
3. Stepwisegirl
4. Nina
5. Saxifraga
6. Sciencegirl
7. Chall

These are the first 7 that sprang to mind. I know some of these people live (or have lived) in English-speaking places and I'm sure all do at least some of their work in English, so maybe I'm be condescending or something by saying they're amazing. Still, I can't imagine that it's not a least a little challenging to blog in something other than one's first language, especially since this king of blogging is usually a hobby. Anyway, these are terrific blogs regardless of what language their authors like to speak.

I'm sure there are many other great blogs like them (maybe some that I don't realize are written by non-native English speakers) that deserve a shout out as well.

Touche

Ecogeoman and I are, like everyone else, trying to save money. I think it's fair to say that I'm a Saver and he's a Spender. Tonight was his night to think of what to have for dinner and then make it.

So he ordered take out.

While we were waiting for it to arrive, I said, "I can't believe you ordered Thai." To which he replied, "I can't believe how pretty you are."

Butt head. I just don't think he gets it.

Structure of a good talk

I used to think that a great talk started with a somewhat brief introduction that described only the context and main questions of the work. It wouldn't have any extraneous information before the data. That way, the data would seem puzzling to the audience until the speaker revealed the lynchpin concept in the discussion that would draw everything together. Aha! the audience would think, and they would perceive the speaker as a brilliant, creative mind

But, I've started to notice that a great talk makes the audience feel smart and important. It should be about the audience, not the speaker. Like entertainment. If they feel good at the end, they will think well of the speaker.

Hence, I have changed my mind about the structure of a great talk. I now think that the introduction should be a bigger part of the presentation. It should include enough background information that the audience can attempt to interpret the data as they see it. That way, they can make their own journey of discovery as the talk progresses. They can feel so clever if they figure out the interpretation before the speaker presents her own conclusion. Or, if the listeners had been forming an interpretation that is different from what the speaker suggests, they can think oh, now I get it or be ready to ask good questions.

I think this approach may help the audience stay engaged through the data, since they have the information they need to understand it. Without this, I think it's easy to lose people through data slides they think are boring and then they don't pay attention to the big reveal anyway.

What do you think? What kind of structure makes the best talk?

The world won't end

I now have one less fear in life.

When Research Advisor reviewed my paper, she uncovered (or led me to uncover) tons of mistake in the data. This was after I had worked with the data extensively and several other people had read the manuscript. I did stupid things like clicking on the wrong column in Excel formulae or incorrectly converting units (apparently I don’t really understand the metric system). I also made larger errors in some of the equations I used. Lame.

The worst part was the doubt these mistakes sowed in me. I worked with that data set for years. It should not have had any problems. If I could have errors like that in spreadsheets I know like the back of my hand, what other problems are lurking in my work?

But you know what? The world didn’t end. Other than pointing out the problems, RA didn’t say a disparaging word. I was really embarrassed and went on about what a Bad Scientist I am, but she just brushed off those self criticisms, saying things like “it’s easy to mix up columns in complex spreadsheets” or “everything blurs together after a while”. I have a feeling she’ll check all my future work with an even finer comb than she used this time, but at least she didn’t make me feel like shit.

Now I know what happens when I screw up in that particular way, so I guess I don’t have to worry about it anymore.

My brand of imposter syndrome

The other day I wrote about how the “I’m not good enough” voice causes procrastination. I’ve always struggled with imposter syndrome because mine manifests in a slightly different way. I knew I suffered from it, but I also knew that it wasn’t in the same way that other people describe. I never feel like I shouldn’t have been allowed into my program or that I’m not smart enough to be a scientist or that it’s just a matter of time till everyone realizes I’m not smart. I always feel like I’m not passionate enough. It took sitting through that seminar for me to realize that in essence, it’s the same thing.

When I plan to work on the weekend, I really want to get work done. I’m super excited about my research and I really want a PhD. So when I can’t make myself stay focused to do my work, I feel like I don’t have the same love other people have. When I batted around post doc ideas with my colleagues, I always think, “yeah, that lab won’t want me once they find out how little I work”. Deep down, I think I’m actually worried about failing.

I always feel like I must not really be interested enough in my science since I put off reading papers. I think the real reason is that I’m afraid I won’t understand them or won’t be able to retain the information. Same with writing – it’s hard to stay on task. I’m not so worried about what people will think about my writing itself, but I’m afraid they’ll think I don’t know the literature well enough or that I haven’t synthesized literature and my data into interesting new ideas.

All this was hiding in “I’m not passionate enough” thoughts. That felt really bad because I am really excited about my science and I’m not sure what else I could do to be more passionate about it. I know I don’t want to be monomaniacal about it and I don’t think I could be even if I wanted to. But now I realize that those valid desires for work-life balance are also tangled up with my personal brand of imposter syndrome. Now I have to figure out how to work with that.

Getting writing done

Yesterday, I wrote about how I heard a dissertation coach (DC) boil all our procrastination problems down to imposter syndrome. Today I want to share her advice for actually getting writing done.

One of DC’s big points was, don’t write like your committee is in the room. People get paralyzed by thinking that the first draft should be perfect. You can’t have a second draft until you have a first draft, so just get your thoughts down to start with. You can always edit later. In fact, she suggested defining crappy first drafts as such so you can give yourself the freedom to write. She said that people who claim to work best with a deadline really just need a way to lose the inhibitions of feeling like their writing has to be perfect. Nobody really works best under pressure, it’s just that we finally actually let ourselves work at all at that point.

Her other big message was break it down, down, down. Big tasks are impossible to penetrate. There’s no entry point into something like “write introduction” or “work on methods”. Create a timeline with milestones set for specific dates. Then break the work necessary to reach those milestones into weekly goals. Then break the weekly goals into tasks for each day you plan to work. Good daily goals are things like, “read and take notes on papers A, B, and C”. Or, “write a shitty draft of section two of discussion.” “Revise section four of introduction.” The timeline is a guide that shouldn’t be rigid -- it should be updated frequently as you progress. DC also suggested scheduling time for things like exercise and hanging out with friends. She reminded us that we are living our lives now and we need to make time for all the things we want to do. We shouldn’t put off our living for after grad school.

DC offers life and dissertation coaching. She didn’t give us the hard sell during her seminar, but she did allude to her services. Apparently, the main thing she does is help clients create a timeline and then meet with them once a week (in person or on the phone) to discuss progress and provide accountability. Not a bad idea.

Passengers on your bus

Reading Arlenna’s nice post about procrastination reminded me to write about a terrific seminar I recently attended. It was delivered by a dissertation coach* (I’ll call her DC) who was a really funny, charismatic speaker. I think that helped her morph some messages that might otherwise have been kind of tired or cheesy into something profound. She hooked me when she said, “isn’t it annoying when people tell you to just sit down and write? That’s like telling someone who wants to lose weight that they should just move more and eat less”. I need to pass that gem along to my mom.

Much of DC’s message was about dealing with imposter syndrome. She claimed that those nasty voices telling you that you aren’t smart enough are the source of your procrastination. So when you obsessively check your email when you should be writing or you spend your “work all weekend” weekend watching Beauty and the Geek marathons, it’s really imposter syndrome rearing its ugly head.

DC had a somewhat odd but very effective demonstration to convey this idea. She had someone from the audience volunteer to describe her dissertation research. She asked the volunteer to say the values that led her to this work. The woman was researching nursing, so she said things like helping people, improving quality of care, etc. Then DC compared writing a dissertation to driving a bus. A bus driver has a goal (the end of the route) and has passengers getting on and off the bus all day. The driver can’t control who gets on, even if they smell bad or are rude. She just has to continue driving toward the end of the route. DC asked other people from the audience to act like the volunteer’s imposter syndrome. She had the volunteer pretend to drive toward her goals/values while the others stood behind her, shouting all of the negative things one might think, like “you should have never been accepted to grad school” and “they’re going to think your paper is terrible”. The volunteer laughed, of course, but also didn’t make much progress toward the end of her route. She kept turning around to look at them. Which brought DC to her point: negative emotions are like passengers on the bus; you can’t get rid of them and if you keep trying to deal with them, you’ll stop making progress toward your real goals. She advised us to expect those emotions to come and then to plug along anyway. When you start to feel tempted to check your email for no reason, remind yourself that it’s the passengers on your bus distracting you.

This mindset can be applied to almost any long term goals, like saving money or losing weight. Keeping you values in mind can help you get past the little negative voices that get you off track.

Tomorrow, practical advice for actually writing your dissertation.


*DC has a nice, content-rich website that I’m happy to share with anyone who’s interested in learning more. I know my location is sort of an open secret, but since her website would make my location really obvious, I think it might be going too far to link to it here. Email me if you want the address.