Can I just prepare an awesome talk?

If things go to plan, tomorrow I will have the last of the data I need for my talk at Big Meeting in two weeks. Having two weeks to work with the data is actually pretty good for me. As much as I swear I won't do it again, for whatever reason I always end up scrambling to get the last results with just a few days to spare. This time, I have worked with the preliminary data pretty extensively (I gave a poster on it last year) so I at least have some idea what to expect.

Despite that, my anxiety about preparing for conference presentations seems to increase as I gain experience. I have been to pretty many conferences (1 to 3 each year since 2001) and I have grown less anxious about the meeting itself since I am familiar with the routine and I now know enough people that I can usually find someone to have lunch with even when none of my labmates are there. But the stakes feel higher for my presentations. I used to feel like I was just a young student, so people would know not to expect too much from me. On top of that, I could relax with the idea that they wouldn't remember me anyway, so if I said something stupid, it would vanish into the black hole of the unremembered and I would start with a clean slate next year. But now people do remember me (for which I am grateful, of course!). And I want to impress them. I want them to have in mind that I gave a nice talk when I let them know I'll be graduating and looking for post docs soon.

While diligently working in the lab to get the last of my data, I've been carrying around 8-10 papers that are highly relevant to the talk I plan to give. Yet I haven't read them. Since I only have two weeks to do all the data analysis, interpret the results, make pretty graphs, and write the talk, you'd think I would try to be efficient by doing any necessary literature review before I get the data. But no. Instead I'm all paralyzed by worry about the scientific quality of my presentation. Can I just get over it?

I like to think of myself as a junior colleague. The scientists at these meetings are not the "grown-ups", they are my more senior colleagues (by now, some of them are even junior colleagues to me!). I want them to respect me and my work as I come up the ranks. So can I please not make a boring talk during which I say something ridiculous?

Travel anxiety and procrastination

I'm going on a trip tomorrow. I have to attend a workshop for my fellowship program during which I will give a 30-45 min talk (nice that they were so clear with the time expectations, eh?). The talk isn't finished yet, but it shouldn't take me too long to polish it off. Too bad I'm blogging instead.

I always get a lot of anxiety before I travel, especially when it's for work. I get nervous about making my flight, how I'm going to get to the airport, how I'm going to find the hotel, etc. I mentally list what I'm going to wear so I don't end up short a shirt or something. I also worry about my talk/poster. I'll have visions of forgetting the poster tube or bringing the wrong memory stick. I'm usually fine with actually giving the presentation, but I get anxious about everything up until the session starts.

I best get back to work on the talk so I can go to bed early tonight and enjoy the afternoon in conference city tomorrow with some of the fellows with whom I have become friends at past workshops. Also, I'm not sure if I'll be blogging while I'm away, but with the infrequency of my posts lately, that should be nothing new.

March NYR review

I’m overdue for a New Year’s Resolution update post. I’m sure these are boring, but they really do provide some accountability for me, so here goes.

• I’m doing fine on the money and cooking resolutions.
• Lab work is slowly but steadily progressing. I met a small milestone for Chapter 2 work this week. Chapter 3 work is not going as fast, but not entirely stalled.
• The paper is not going well. Well, it’s not going badly but this is April already and it’s still not done. I have no one to blame but myself. No excuses. I just haven’t done it. Progress has been creeping along, but I need to get my A into G and do it. Actually, that’s not really fair. I did do a fair bit of work on it in March. However, I can feel myself fake working during my writing time and that’s bad. Also, I put everything else first and that’s also bad.
• I still have the same old problem of being really effective in the lab and not so much at my desk. One of the resolutions I have let slide was to make tomorrow’s to-do list at the end of each day. I think I should try that again. Also, I think the goals should be more specific. Currently, I’ll say I’m going to “write” for 2 hours or whatever, but I think I need to say “I’ll work on paragraph X” or “I’ll find the appropriate references for these 3 arguments”. There’s currently some good advice about goal making and list writing at the Aphasic Grads Writing Group.

Sorry I complain about the same crap over and over, but it’s what I struggle with.

Perfectionism

I followed this link I saw at Rising To the Occasion and thought it was interesting enough for a post. It's a booklet from the University of Texas Counseling and Mental Health Center titled "Perfectionism: A double-edged sword". Some excerpts:

Those who strive for excellence in a healthy way take genuine pleasure in trying to meet high standards. Perfectionists on the other hand are full of self-doubts and fears of disapproval, ridicule and rejection. The healthy striver has drive, while the perfectionist is driven.

MYTH: Perfectionists get things done and they do things right.
REALITY: Perfectionists often have problems with procrastination, missed deadlines, and low productivity.

Psychologists find that perfectionists tend to be "all-or-nothing" thinkers. They see events and experiences as either good or bad, perfect or imperfect, with nothing in between. Such thinking often leads to procrastination, because a requirement of flawless perfection, in even the smallest of tasks, can become fearfully overwhelming. The perfectionist believes that the flawless product or superb performance must be produced every time. Perfectionists believe if it can't be done perfectly, it's not worth doing.
Such beliefs often lead to undesired results. A perfectionist student may turn in a paper weeks late (or not at all), rather than turn it in on time with less-than-perfect sentences. A perfectionist worker may spend so much time agonizing over some non-critical detail that a critical project misses its deadline.

MYTH: Perfectionists are determined to overcome all obstacles to success.
REALITY: Although perfectionists follow an "I'll-keep-trying-until-it's-perfect" credo, they are especially vulnerable to potentially serious difficulties such as depression, writer's block, and performance and social anxiety.

The good news is that there is a list of coping strategies. The first is

1. Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of trying to be perfect. When you make your own list of costs and benefits, you may find that the costs are too great. You may discover that problems with relationships, excessive workaholism, eating and substance abuse problems, and other compulsive behaviors (plus the accompanying anxiety, nervousness, feelings of inadequacy, self-criticism, and so on) actually outweigh whatever advantages perfectionism holds for you.

All this smacks of imposter syndrome to me, while explaining a lot of the procrastination I witness (both mine and others'). And it sounds like so many people I know. Does it sound like you?

Bonus

So far, Project Efficiency, my catch-all New Year's Resolution all about not procrastinating and getting more done, is going pretty well. For example, I paid for my car license plate renewal the day the notice came, which is the sort of thing I'd usually put off and then scramble to do before the deadline, accompianed by much anxiety. More notably, I haven't been blogging at work at all. Although twice I quickly checked my blog related email to look up specific information. And, I admit that when I worked last Saturday, I did read some blogs over lunch, but I figure it's okay if I'm there on a weekend.

Anyway, an unexpected side effect of less procrastination is a tidier home. We're not super messy, but we're not neat freaks either. Since I'm no longer putting off things like sorting the mail or doing the dishes, we are maintaining a cleaner environment. How nice.

Let's talk about procrastination

I'm positive that there are lots of books out there all about procrastination, why we engage in it, and how to beat it. I haven't read them. I bet that many people in this corner of the blogosphere have read some of these books, or thought extensively on the subject, or definitively blogged about it. Since this is a record of my personal journey, I will now blog about my own recent thoughts on procrastination. But I'd love links to your insightful posts or recommendations for helpful but not boring books.

Procrastination doesn't get you ahead. It puts you in the hole. It causes oppressive anxiety. And it creates more work for you to put off.

Think about when you get an email with an attached form you have to fill out. It’s probably tedious and has a distant deadline, so you ignore it for later. But then the deadline approaches and then passes and you get several reminder emails to return the completed form. So you do it, but now you’ve had to think about the stupid thing all those extra times, search for the buried email, and feel guilty. In a sense, you’ve had to do the work more than once. Or think about when you blow something off and then have to do it again because it’s ruined, or it takes extra paperwork to get an extension, or there’s a late fee. Why do we do this to ourselves? Usually, the thing I do instead is not worth the heartache of dealing with the consequences of procrastination. So much guilt and anxiety for what? A Seinfeld rerun? The headlines on MSN?

This recent realization of how much I suffer at the devious hand of procrastination is why one of my NYRs was to reduce it and is what I will try to keep in my thoughts so as to avoid it. It feels so good to get things done when they need to be done and then not think about them again. And to know that no one can bitch at you for not doing your bit.

I recently read in a magazine something like “you never say ‘gee, I wish I hadn’t done that’ after you exercise.” I think the same is true for doing things on your list. You never regret being productive. Productive, here, means not only getting work done, but doing the fun activities that we want to do. I noticed that an awful lot of bloggers wrote how they don’t want to waste time mindlessly surfing the Internet or watching tv this year. Me too.