Um, thanks?

EGM and I sometimes discuss how positive feedback can be hard to come by in science. A case in point: EGM's close colleague passed around a manuscript for friendly review before submitting it for publication. The response of the most senior person who read the paper? The manuscript looks fine.

Fine? It looks fine? Not, this will make a nice contribution, or good work? At least we know it's not personal.

Countdown relief

So, things have gotten better for me lately, stress-wise. The change happened as soon as I got my defense lined up. This strikes me as a little paradoxical, since you'd think that once the clock was officially ticking, I'd be freaking out about finishing. I think the crux on my anxiety was that grad school was starting to feel interminable.

I had a committee meeting in May 2008, and at that point we all thought I'd finish in about a year. Actually, I thought I might be able to defend in March 2009. When it became clear that wouldn't happen, I thought I could do it in June. Then October. Finally I put my foot down with December.

I had sort of a low point mid-summer. The proximate reason was my frustration with the slow pace of paper revisions. The ultimate reason, however, was that I just could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. It seemed like I should be wrapping up, but there was so much left to do and no one seemed to be thinking I should be nearing completion except me.

I was adamant that my defense had to be done this year. There's not a good reason for that, though, except for the psychological cost of waiting longer -- I've completely missed the graduation deadline for fall semester. I simply could not handle pushing it off any more.

Fortunately, I feel like the tension broke over the last few weeks/months for several reasons: 1) I got my advisors' blessings to schedule the defense in December; 2) my out-of-state committee member agreed to come and scheduled his travel; 3) I finished a draft of the pile-o-shit paper (aka poopsicle); and 4) I have all my data in hand.

Now all I have to do is finish the mother fucker.

The value of network

I have been resisting the desire to blog about my post-doc search. I think it might be interesting material, but I don't want to do anything that might hurt my chances. Still, I thought I'd post a few of my current thoughts.

I'm not conducting the search I envisioned. I had imagined keeping up with ads on various listservs, then applying for relevant positions. I figured EGM would do the same. In order to reconcile our options and fully explore the potential post-doc landscape, we'd contact interesting PIs ourselves to uncover unadvertised positions. I figured this last bit would help us solve our two-body problem. Instead, EGM is not quite ready for a full-on job hunt, and I'm relying heavily on my network. Thus I'm looking, but not applying as widely as I might because he's not ready to deal with it and it seems like I don't have to. The upshot is that I will probably land something first, and EGM will be in the position to follow (but that's a topic for anther post!).

What I really want to share today is that I'm starting to see how very, very important a good network is. I'm clearly getting the benefit of the doubt because people already know me. Plus, I have good options available without spending lots of time on heaps of cold applications. It's also becoming evident how far some sincere enthusiasm can take you.

I'll close with advice to those a little behind me on the career journey:

• Go to as many meetings as you can, and talk to people, even if it's scary. Make a point to introduce yourself to new people, introduce people you know to one another, and expect your friends to introduce you to their friends and colleagues.
  
• Be professional, every single day. You don't know how the seemingly unrelated PI down the hall might become important to you later.
• Don't discount the importance of the peer component of your network. Your peers can introduce you to people they know, which can expand your network fast. What's more, your peers can be influential to their PIs, who might become your PI one day. For example, it can't hurt if a student comments to her advisor that she saw you give a great talk.
  
• Keep up with how things work in your subfield. Be a little nosy so you can learn how the politics work, who the big players are, and who can make a call that might help you out.
• Be positive about your work so that others will think it's cool too. On that note, be positive about others' work too!
• Go to departmental seminars, and go with a good attitude. You might want to shift focus down the road, and it will help to have some exposure to related fields whose literature you don't regularly read.
  

When I finally get a job, I'll let you know how all this worked out for me. So far the process is scary, nerve-wracking, and exciting all at once. I wish I didn't have worry about this while writing my diss, but I guess that's life, and that's how it is for everyone.

Redemption

He brought a piece of chocolate cake home for me. love.

Sympathy FAIL

I've been complaining to EGM that I haven't felt like myself the past couple of days. Maybe I'm getting sick or something.

It was raining today and I knew the traffic would suck, so I left work a little early to try to beat the worst of it. Rather than having me pick him up on my way, EGM decided to work later and take public home.

My leaving-work-early plan was not effective. EGM called me while I was sitting in a horrible traffic jam. An excerpt:

Him: how are you feeling now?
Me: meh. Not sick, but I'm just so irritable. I'm even grouchy with myself! And I can't figure out why. I mean, I started my period today, but that doesn't usually affect my mood. [actually, my mood is disrupted about 5 days in advance]
Him: oh, well that's probably the reason.
Me: I don't think so. I never have problems the day I start.
Him: well, you are getting older...
Me: What?
Him: well, maybe things are changing as you age...you are getting older.
Me: that's fucking not the fucking reason.

Honestly, he usually knows better!

Today I had one of those days that just flies by. I carpooled, which meant I had to leave work relatively early. When we left it felt like I had just gotten there. I think the main reason is that I was analyzing THE FINAL DATA FOR MY DISSERTATION! Hooray!

Remember that stupid instrument I can't manage to run on my own? Well, the brand-new technician ran my samples for me, on the exceptional (and much-appreciated) order of Advisor. It was suspenseful because this instrument fucks ups on a regular basis, and since the tech is new, she doesn't necessarily have the experience to notice issues before they become problems. Anyway, she sent the last of the data today and everything is fine. Woot!

After a good day at work, we got home early enough to go for a brisk walk. The weather was much better than it has been lately, so it was nice to get some air and some exercise. I dropped off a pile of sweaters at the new, inexpensive green dry cleaners on the way -- a timely errand to get out of the way. Now we have laundry on and EGM is making chicken korma with chicken he started marinating last night. I'm drinking wine, watching Dancing with the Stars, and blogging while he cooks. Nice.

I hope the rest of the week continues to be good.

Geography of my visitors

In response to a comment I left on this post, Cath posted a chart showing the location of her 500 most recent visitors. Here is a similar graph for this blog.





Maybe not surprisingly, Cath gets a lower proportion of US visitors compared to this blog. My last 500 visitors have come from a greater variety of countries though (17 for Cath vs. 21 for me). However, I hypothesize that Cath's lower number of countries is attributable to a (presumably) much higher visit rate. In other words, her last 500 probably come from what, a couple of days (?), whereas at the low posting frequency I've been maintaining lately, it takes almost two weeks for me to get 500 visits. I imagine she gets a much broader audience by virtue of having a bigger audience. Her non-American-ness probably contributes as well, but I bet her awesomeness is the real reason. I think we'd need to sample a longer time span and use visit rate as a covariate to know for sure. :)

Anyway, interesting stuff! I wonder if most English-language science related blogs have a mostly American readership, and if it makes a difference if 1) the author lives in the US or 2) the author is not American. I'm sure I've heard that the overall blogosphere is largely American, but I'd think that would be somewhat less true for science blogs, since science is such an international business.

Time for sprinting

Today on the way to work, we heard the results of some marathon and I thought, "I have absolutely no desire to ever run a marathon." I get the idea of training really hard and consistently for many months, and then having an enormous sense of achievement and personal satisfaction upon finishing the race. Even though I hate running, I can see the appeal. But after doing this stinking phd, I never again need to prove to myself that I can achieve a long-term goal. I know I can cope with delayed gratification. And I know that it kind of sucks.

From now on, I want everything RIGHT NOW!

Well, maybe not everything right now, but I know I never need to run a marathon.

Theme song for job searching

Craving a break

I've heard lots of people exclaim, "I NEED a vacation!", which I always thought sounded a little melodramatic. I love taking vacations, I like breaks from work, but I've never felt like I needed a vacation. Until now.

I'm sick of work, sick of the pressure of finishing, sick of the worry about finding jobs, sick of the looming deadline. All of it. I want a break. But, I want the break to come with the relief of knowing grad school is over. I've been fantasizing about vacations, looking at travel websites when I should be working. My current favorite is a Caribbean cruise in mid-January with either EGM, my real-life BFF, or both. BFF, you in?

My ideal post-defense scenario involves staying a while in my hometown at Christmas break, then lazing my way through January taking said cruise, maybe going to the science blogging conference thing in NC and visiting a friend who lives in that area, and visiting a research institute in another state to give a seminar. Then I'd like to work part time through, say, March. I want to earn enough money to pay my basic bills while having time to polish my diss chapters for journal submission at my leisure. Actually, if I don't have a job lined up before I graduate, I think this scenario is a real possibility, but we'll see.

PhD Mommy made a good point in the comments on my last post -- that not having a contingency funding plan forces you to finish. I think this is another reason I've been reluctant to make arrangements for next semester - I don't want to give myself the option of pushing my finish date back any further. However, today I got news that changed that. I have a committee member in another state who wasn't sure he could make the trip here for my defense. Without his travel plan in place, there was still room to change the date. Now he has decided to come and has paid for a flight, so the date is final. I'm really going to do it this time!

Craving legitimacy

I am just dying to be done with grad school, to the point where I'm irrationally reluctant to make contingency plans for next semester. It's been a source of mild conflict with EGM, I think because I couldn't really articulate why I'm being so weird. But I think I've finally figured it out.

Academic Advisor, who never ever lets a student suffer through university-related financial issues, has wisely counseled me to keep all my options open. Thus, I'm trying to sort out exactly how to plan defense-related events to maximize my flexibility. If I defend at the right time, I won't have to register for spring, and I will have met the requirements of a PhD so I can take a job. But, I won't technically be graduated, so I would be able to register and get a TA (or more of my external fellowship if they'll give it to me) if I don't have a job yet, or if I want to hang around until EGM is ready to move in late spring. Makes sense, but is causing my anxiety.

I have been saving money like crazy for the past year or so to pay for a big trip to Far Off Land or to fund a period of unemployment. I am so desperate to be OUT OF GRADUATE SCHOOL that I almost don't even want the option of continuing next semester, even as a cushion. EGM can't understand this -- why would I want to live off savings if I don't have to? He's right - it's totally irrational. But I think it has to do with the desire to feel entitled to my pay and to feel legitimate at my institution.

Earning my income

I feel like I should feel guilty or ashamed for my funding. That other people don't get as much, or that I'm keeping another student from getting funded because I'm taking too long. I know that no one else thinks this, but I feel like they do. That I'm lucky I have anything at all so I should just be happy with it. I understand that many people share this sentiment in this economy, but that doesn't make me feel less this way.

I want to get paid a regular salary with real benefits and a 401(k) and all the rest of it. I want to feel like I earn my money, that I'm getting a paycheck because I did a job I was hired to do. I want to be in the HR system for heaven's sake.

Legitimacy

I had the experience recently of being told that under no circumstances should I make it look like I am employed the institution where I do my research. That stung a little, since I spend nearly every day there and they fund all my work. They don't pay for my time, however, which makes me kind of second-class there, a ghost worker. For instance, I'm not listed on the department's webpage. Thankfully, the people I directly work with dont' have this attitude, but still. It's like this to a lesser extent at the university too, where grad students aren't like real students but also aren't employees.

I'm tired of being caught in the place between a student and an employee. I'm tired of not knowing what to write for "occupation" on surveys. I'm tired of feeling illegitimate, that I don't deserve my (paltry) salary or that I'm not really part of my institution. I'm also sick of having all the responsibilities of being an employee, like training, but not getting the full benefits in return.

Also, I want a BREAK. More on this in another post.

Interests and hobbies

Community gardening, knitting, hiking, playing party & variety games, hosting & attending dinner parties, book club.

Thanks for the advice, Readers. And don't tell me I'm lame now, 'cause the app is in.