A toast to women scientist bloggers

Has anyone else noticed how many new blogs authored by female scientists cropped up in the latter part of 2007? It probably partly reflects the growing general popularity of blogs, but may also indicate the necessity and appeal of a community like this.

I had been reading blogs for over a year before I started my own. The many blog conversations have helped me understand the expectations of and by scientists (who are women) in a way I don’t think I would have in any other forum because no other forum is quite so candid. Moreover, having a safe outlet for my thoughts and feelings has helped me to clarify what I think I want from my career at a time when I can still somewhat comfortably adjust my trajectory.

I hope that the addition of more women STEM bloggers in the coming year will contribute to our success in our careers. It’s uplifting and comforting to know that other women are out there dealing with the same issues. It also helps to know that they aren’t all of super human composition, i.e., that they aren’t so different from (or better than) me after all (note that in real life, people try to hide their weaknesses, while a blogger will write every damn problem she has).

Since I don’t regularly work at a university, I sometimes feel a little disconnected from other students and academic life. It has been really nice to expand my world a little and learn what this gig is like for others – those in other countries, fields, institutions, whatever. It has also helped put many issues in perspective. We all deal with the same problems. Moreover, it’s nice to open up to others in an unreserved way. It’s so difficult to do that in real life because it makes one feel too vulnerable.

So, as silly as it may be to salute one's e-social network, here’s to a fantastic 2008 for all my blog friends: to those who consider me a friend too, to those who don’t know they have me as a fan, and to those I’ve yet to meet!

Edited to add: I love all the non-scientist, non-female bloggers too! I didn't mean to be exclusive! It's just that I wrote this post with the Scientiae carnival in mind.

scientiae-carnival

Is she hot?

When someone tells me about a new person, like a new coworker or a friend they want to introduce me to, usually I ask "is she cool?" Now, I know that this may not be the most important quality in a person, but it is usually what I want to know first. I should probably ask "is she competent?" about a new coworker or "is she nice/trustworthy/honest?" about a new friend.

Even worse that "is she cool?" is "is she hot?" It really ticks me off how so many men in my life ask "is she hot?" about a new person. Even Ecogeoman does it sometimes! I'll describe how a potential grad student visited the lab and he'll ask, is she hot? It's doesn't f'ing matter! Why do men do this?

When asked about someone's irrelevant hotness, I, of course, rant on about how this is a rude and sexist thing to ask and that it doesn't matter anyway, but it never gets me anywhere. I know that Ecogeoman doesn't really treat people differently based on their looks (at least consciously), and I know that he asks that just to get me worked up, but I HATE it.

This topic is on my mind because the very worst abuser of "is she hot" is visiting us this week, a friend who always mentions a person's looks when saying anything about him/her (to be fair, I think it's mostly joking, but still). We went out last night and bickered the whole time about "is she hot". I admit that hotness counts for some things, and that hot people probably are treated better in general, but it just shouldn't be the first thing we want to know about a person.

End of the year meme

CAE at VWXYNot tagged me for this meme.

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Not really. Although if things go well, maybe toward the end of the year I will be ready to start looking for post docs that have a mid-to-late '09 start date.
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
I'm always looking for new friends, especially women.
3. New house?
no
4. What will you do differently in 08?
I will try to procrastinate less.
5. New Years resolution?
This will get a whole post of its own. There will be resolutions about efficiency, money, and work goals.
6. What will you not be doing in 08?
graduating.
7. Any trips planned?
To Far Off Land in July and to France in September.
8. Wedding plans?
Ecogeoman's BFF's wedding in July and his sister's in September. Hence the trips.
9. Major thing on your calendar?
those trips.
10. What can’t you wait for?
To finish something. I'm hoping to submit at least one manuscript this year.
11. What would you like to see happen differently?
My work habits -- not always emphasizing data collection over writing, and getting more done.
12. What about yourself will you be changing?
Nothing really about myself, but I'd like to make my behavior more effective.
13. What happened in 07 that you didn’t think would ever happen?
I started this blog.
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
I'll try to gossip less. Gossip isn't very nice.
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?
no.
16. Will you start or quit drinking?
no.
17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
well, I hope it's always evolving and maturing, but no plans to do anything dramatic.
18. Will you do charity work?
um, probably not. I should though. I'd like to tudor GED students or something. someday.
19. Will you go to bars?
yes. Especially since my state is going smoke free on January 1.
20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know?
I'll try. I always try.
21. Do you expect 08 to be a good year for you?
yes. I expect to get things done!
22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
I think I became more effecient in work and money management. I hope to continue to become more so.
23. Do you plan on having a child?
not in 2008.
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I think so. Some relationships seem to be waning, but others might blossom.
25. Major lifestyle changes?
none planned.
26. Will you be moving?
no.
27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 08 that happened in 07?
Failure to submit a paper.
28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
An intimate party at a friend's place.
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
Ecogeoman. :)
30. One wish for 08?
To get a paper published.

I tag (gosh, I hate tagging. But I love being tagged. Too bad you can't have one without the other.)

Ianqui
Jane
Sciencegirl
Sciencewoman
Unbalanced Reaction

Best. Christmas. Gift. Ever.

I'm back from Christmas in my hometown, another city in the Midwest. After the intense-but-fun time at my parents' house with not-private Internet (i.e., no blogging) I'm happy to be back at home sitting in my new flannel pajamas, drinking coffee and catching up on zillions of blog posts. The rest of the day will be spent cleaning out closets. Ecogeoman and I both got new clothes via gifts and sales. We have little clothing storage space, so I need to get rid of some stuff.


In addition to clothes, we received other very nice presents, like an awesome camp stove from S1, who had drawn our names this year. This is great because I didn't have any camping gear until recently and most of Ecogeoman's stuff is the ultra small, lightweight kind meant for backpacking, not the car camping we do now. I got an immersion blender and a vegetarian crock pot cookbook, a thoughtful gift from my mom after last year's new crock pot. Ecogeoman gave me the book, Women Don't Ask by Babcock and Laschever which I've been wanting forever (I'm sure I'll blog about it). But the Best Gift Ever was a surprise. After we had opened all the presents, Ecogeoman handed me a note that said "you get dance lessons of your choice." I spazed. You see, although I have never had a dance class and have no rhythm, I dance around the house all the time and I LOVE the dancing shows that are currently popular on network tv. I'm hoping I can convince Ecogeoman to take ballroom with me, instead of me taking something like ballet or hip hop by myself (even though that would be great too).


I am so excited.

Those of you who read this post can call me a hypocrite now.

Blogroll

I finally signed up with Blogrolling and dramatically updated my blogroll in the process (it's much easier than the stupid Blogger list I was using). If you'd like to be included, please let me know.
Edited to add: If you'd like to be removed, please let me know.

Today was the super cool Carpool Buddy's last day at work. How sad. I'll miss her company in the car. In fine showing of her super coolness, she gave me a really lovely thank-you/Christmas gift which was sweet. Not to worry though, I'm sure I"ll see her at many future meetings. Good luck in grad school, Carpool Buddy.

RBOC

• There's just one more day of work before the end-of-year break. I'm thrilled. Because I work mostly at the institution where my main research advisor is rather than the university, I mostly follow their calendar. They shut down the last week of the year, turning off heat and everything. Only employees that need to perform essential work are allowed and they have to be on a list. So, I feel no guilt for taking the whole time between Saturday and Jan 1 off. I might do a little work at home, but only if I feel like it.
• We are going to my hometown on Saturday, in time to see my best friend before she leaves that town to spend Christmas with her family, who live in a different town. I just love seeing her. After that, it will be hard core family time until we leave, probably on the 28th.
• I think Ecogeoman got me a present today. yay! He can be pretty hopeless with gifts (my last birthday was a disaster) but sometimes he comes through brilliantly. I'll be happy as long as there's something because I spent pretty much time and money (well, not that much money) getting nice gifts for him. This is definitely and issue of the time and consideration involved, not the money.
• We had friends over last night which was really fun. I served a bunch of snacks instead of a meal. Today was a potluck at work. I think tonight we'll have the leftovers from last night. Could I possibly eat more cheese and dip? My sodium intake must be through the roof! Not to mention the fat. Mmmmmmm, salt and fat.

Maybe I'll get cooking questions!

Ecogeoman and I watched this lame game show, Duel, for an hour and a half while waiting for an oil change at Honda tonight (an oil change should not take 90 minutes. they did it for free). We typically wouldn't watch that kind of show, but it was what was on the waiting room television. Apparently, two contestants engage in a duel by answering a series of lame trivia questions. The winner chooses the next opponent from a preselected group. The cool thing was that the first 5 or 6 contestants were all women (we did not see the first 3 or 4 play). The first time we saw someone pick a new contestant, she said how she hoped a woman would win so she choose another woman. This new woman won the duel, then picked a man. When it was announced that this man had a "photographic memory" she said, "uh-oh. well, maybe I'll get a cooking question and win!" WTF? A cooking question? She wasn't a professional chef or anything. Can't she just feel confident as a person dueling another person? By this point there were several nauseating women vs men jokes. I don't think I'll be tuning in to Duel again. Not that I would have anyway.

first name basis

It really annoys me how all the presidential candidates are referred to by their last names except Clinton. I know it's partly because it's to "avoid confusion" with her husband, but honestly, are we really in danger of confusing them at this point? Smells of gender bias to me...

Lets not be mean girls

Last night I watched the movie "Mean Girls" and I really liked it. It was funny but had a good message that didn't dilute the fun into lameness. The movie is about a girl who has been home schooled until age 16, at which point she starts at a wealthy suburban high school. She makes friends with the "art freaks" but infiltrates the group of popular girls. Drama ensues. The screenplay was written by Tina Fey based on the nonfiction, non-narrative book Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman.

I watched some of the special features after, including an interview with Wiseman. For years, she ran workshops for parents to help them cope with the social development of their teenagers, and then elaborated upon that experience in her book. She also started something called “The Empower Program” to help both girls and boys prevent and deal with violence in their world. In the interview, Wiseman claims that girls learn social rules from early socialization, but don't fully understand them as adolescents. They are responsible for enforcing those rules among themselves by creating cliques and gossiping. But sometimes girls don't know the rules until they break them and face social consequences for an action they didn’t know was prohibited.

Wiseman explores many perplexing behaviors, like why girls put up with crap from friends and why they pretend they're fat or stupid when they know they aren't. She notes that members of a clique treat each other badly despite putting up a polished, united front to outsiders. Wiseman argues that adolescence shouldn't be a rite of passage that parents expect their kids to endure, but rather is a period when kids learn important things that shape their adult life and so the experience should be as healthy as possible. She wants teenagers to be able to take good risks, like being a mathlete, instead of bad risks, like promiscuous sex.

I think all of this is great and socially healthy teenagers likely develop into better balanced adults, helping the girls become empowered women. But, I couldn’t help but notice the parallels to adult life, especially for women in science (because that’s where my experience lies). For example, the imposter complexes we all seem to have -- why do we say we can’t do top notch science when we know deep down we can? Or, how about when a PI is super friendly to outsiders, but is a jerk to the members of the lab? Or what about the risks involved with not trying a novel, innovative technique in favor of the status quo favored by established scientists, which also poses the risk of slow progress?

Anyway, I hope that the challenges women in science face don’t come from the women themselves. I hope that we aren’t inhibiting ourselves by holding on to some of our teenage whims and insecurities. And I hope that we aren’t establishing rules for women scientists that no one knows until she breaks them, like what constitutes a respectable position, or how much maternity leave it too much, or how much time away from kids is allowable. Because lets not kid ourselves, we do judge each other, if only to establish guidelines for ourselves. I hope that we are mature enough to make our social nature work for us as a group instead of holding us back more.

Funnies

This post at Lounge of the Lab Lemming is great!

Random Bullets of Meeting: the personal edition

• This meeting was >10,000 people. I prefer smaller meetings because it is so hard to find people at the big ones. There are so many different places people can be that you don't keep running into the same folks again and again and that makes it hard to network. It also makes me think I must be missing something cool when I don't recognize anyone in a session. Where are all the other people like me?
• My talk went fine. I felt very neutral about it, but people told me I did well, including a few who didn't need to say anything. That was nice.
• I didn't wear a skirt. I wore khaki pants the day of my talk and jeans the rest of the time.
• I feel bad for really shy people at meetings. I'm pretty outgoing and I find it challenging to be as socially aggressive as one needs to be to meet people at these things.
• The more experienced I get, the better I am at pacing myself. This meeting was long and intense and I was tired at the end of each day, but not totally overwhelmed like I used to get. Part of this comes from knowing more people so the social pressure is relaxed a little. Another part comes from a flatter learning curve. I still learn new things at meetings, but not as much as I did at the first ones I attended, where everything was new and exciting. The last part comes from not going out at night so much, so I sleep more. I used to be able to stay up drinking past midnight, but now if I do that at all it's only once. This meeting didn't have any of the people I party with anyway.
• I'm glad to be home. I'm pumped to start writing up the data from my talk. But I'm glad to have the weekend off before I have to go to work so I can recover. Also I need to Christmas shop.

Random Bullets of Meeting: the feminists' edition

• There were fewer children at this meeting than at the super casual conference I sometimes attend, but more than at the super stuffy one. I tried to give lots of smiles when I saw people with kids so they would feel like at least some of us think this is a welcome occurrence. There was a conference babysitting service at $7 per hour. If there were ever children in the sessions, I was never disturbed by them.
• I overheard a man with a child in a stroller explaining to another man that people didn't seem to mind his kid at this meeting. He also said that at the last meeting to which he brought the kid (the one with the stuffy old men in blazers), he received many disapproving looks.
• I overheard a woman saying that female convention center staff had been extremely rude to her when she asked where she could pump. She ended up asking a different staff worker, a man, who very courteously led her to the first aid room where she pumped in privacy.
• I went to an all women mixer where I met a few nice people in fields utterly unrelated to mine, but also got to have a lengthy conversation with a few women who are in my field who I had never talked to before. That was great.
• The session my talk was in was organized by two women. Nine of the 11 invited speakers were men. There were also contributed papers (like mine), some of which were given by women. While historically male dominated, my field has many, many more women than most sciences, especially those of the non-biomedical or straight-ecology sort. There are even some women who are senior level, very appropriate candidates for invited talks. I think 2 out of 11 invited talks by women is pretty lousy. Especially for a session organized by women.

It's not just the wardrobe

On Sunday I wrote how the meetings I attend cover a gradient of formalness in terms of fashion. It seems to be inversely related to the proportion of female attendees. The least fancy meeting has the most women (and children) and so on. Interesting...

What to wear

Shortly before every meeting I attend, I want to go shopping. I always feel like I don't have anything to wear. It's partly true because I wear jeans and solid color tee shirts to work and don't have much else since I don't often need to dress up. But I also think the desire for new clothes comes from never being sure what is most appropriate for meetings. There was a discussion on someone's blog (FSP's?) a while ago where everybody made fun of how the younger women dress at meetings. I don't want to be the goober they joked about.


I regularly go to the meetings of four societies; three are big (3000-12000 atendees) and one is small (200) (I don't go to all of them every year). They range in formalness, which makes it harder to know what to wear. The small one and one big one are super casual -- many people wear shorts and tie died tee shirts with chacos. One of the big ones is more conservative and usually has crusty old men in university issued blazers and ties. The one I'm going to next week is in the middle. I usually wear jeans, maybe a pair of slacks on the day of my presentation, and the my nicer shirts or sweaters. So like, the least faded and stretched out solid color tee shirts, and maybe even one with a print. I try not to look like a slob, but it's just not me to dress up. I want to make a good impression on folks for the sake of future jobs, but if they depend on my clothes to determine what kind of scientist I am, I would't want to work for them anyway.

But today I bought boots! They are knee-high black suede numbers with flower appliques up the sides. So I packed a skirt, but I'm not sure if I'll wear it because I don't want to look too dressed up and have people think I'm a goober.

This post is intended to just be chit chat. I promise I don't really get stressed out about my conference wordrobe. :)

They've hired another woman

One of the technicians in my lab, who is incidentally one of my carpool buddies, is leaving to start grad school in January. I'll be sad to see her go because I really enjoy her company in the car. Her replacement, another woman, is starting next week. That keeps the tally in the group at 3 men and 7 women.

This new person is the first in a very long time, maybe ever, who has been hired without knowing someone in the group. For many complicated reasons, it's difficult to advertise for the super soft money, short term lab positions that arise, so either summer interns stay on for some extra time or someone knows someone who is looking for a bench job. It's like a small scale old boys' network, except the perpetrators aren't boys and the reward is a one to three year technician gig. In this kinda under-the-table talent acquistion system, sometimes a person leaves before a new person can be identified, so process knowledge is lost and training is arduous; people who weren't responsible for the abandoned job have to teach the new person how to do something that they don't know that well themsevles.

I'm glad that they hired someone new before the current person leaves, that she's already been working for several years and not fresh from school, and that she's a woman. I'm looking forward to meeting her when I get back from the conference. I hope she's cool.

Almost ready

My talk for the big meeting is pretty much done. Today I went through each slide with my advisor (she's a saint) and now I feel much more confident about it. She made some suggestions, mostly just tweaking things here and there, mostly for the sake of time. We think that I will be really pushing the 15 min time limit.

While I usually get a little nervous about public speaking, I am always more concerned about the content of my presentation than with the act of giving it. Talking to a big group of people can be thrilling if I feel good about what I have to say. I was feeling really anxious earlier this week because I'm scheduled in a session with many big name presenters that I expect to be well attended. I need to be really confident about my talk.

Tomorrow I need to make some changes, then send it to my other advisor. After that, practice, practice, practice. I often get criticized for having too much for people look at, e.g. the judgement on my most recent poster was that it was "congested". So this time, I have very few words on my data slides, which means few reminders of what to say. I wrote out everything I want to say for each slide so I can get really comfortable with all the points I want to make since there will be no extra time for fumbling.

Now that I have my advisor's blessing, I am looking forward to the meeting and maybe even a little excited about giving the talk. Much better than I felt on Tuesday.

Binge working

Yesterday, ScienceGirl commented here that, "As a grad student, it is so easy to fall into the procrastinate/work all the time, and never really have guilt-free time." How true. Without a boss who dictates your work hours and monitors your time, it's so easy to procrastinate. Often, the procrastination takes the form of work avoidance, where a less urgent/important task is done first at the expense of something more important but less appealing. Yet, since the important job never got done, there is the lingering weight of Unfinished Work. It's a nasty cycle because you've been working all day but not getting the high priority jobs done, so you have to work more. After many days of not really getting much done, an approaching deadline will trigger many people to really cram the work in. They will pull an all nighter to end up with a less-than-perfect product that they aren't 100% proud of. Binge working. It's so inefficient.

In my struggle to adhere to a 40 hour work week, I have tried to reflect on how I spend my time so that I can feel good about what I do at work and then feel good about what I do at home, which I want to be not work. I have found that when I am really honest with myself about how I spend my day, I see where I waste lots of time*. I know when I'm "working" and when I working, really doing only the things that need to be done and nothing else. No checking google for an image I could kinda use, no playing around with numbers for the heck of it, and certainly no chatting about what I made for dinner last night. Sure, those things can be useful, but should not be done until the essentials are done. That way, I can go home at the end of the day and not feel guilty for relaxing, because I know I got my work done. It's amazing how I will rationalize to myself just like I would to a boss, like, I couldn't get those figures made today because first I had to blah blah blah. Yeah, right. I know what's up with those excuses I give myself. I just wish I could have a touch more self control so a greater proportion of my time at work could be working because man, I really want to graduate.

I suspect that this doesn't end with grad school but that the most successful people typically have good time management skills and thus, greater efficiency. There is a great article on this topic at Science Careers which is really worth a read.

*I only really have this trouble when I am working at my desk on data analysis or writing. I am very efficient at lab work.

Carpooling

I live 35 miles from where I usually work. Not so green, huh?

I used to live much closer to work, but it was in a place with few public transit options. Then I became all gaga for ecogeoman and we decided to move in together. Ecogeoman, having only a driver’s licence from Far Off Land and having heard horror stories about frivolous law suites in America, doesn't drive here. Just as well, since he can't really afford a car. There is no (well, very, very limited) access to my workplace via pubic transportation, but ecogeoman's work has great access to public transit. So, we moved to a really wonderful neighborhood from which ecogeoman can either a. get a ride with me b. take public transit or c. ride a bicycle. We figured I had to drive to work no matter what, so living where he could get away with no car made up for my new 35 mile commute that would be 45 minutes in pristine traffic. He was happy, but I was rotting in my car for 1:15 twice a day since traffic is usually lousy.

Then in January, the lab hired a new technician who lives very near to me and doesn't have a car. She began riding with me and after a few months, we added another person. This one has a car so we take turns driving. However, he has to be home at a certain time to relieve his kids’ nanny. At first, I didn't want to get involved with this man because I felt resistant to the responsibility of daycare issues when I don't have kids yet. But, it's well worth it. The nanny’s hours force us to leave early in the morning so we can be back early in the evening, letting us beat the worst of the traffic.

The downside of carpooling is that I can never stretch the day if I'm in the middle of something. If it weren't for the nanny issue, I could ask my carpool buddies to wait 15 min for me to wrap up, but if we're late, the nanny is disgruntled and gets overtime pay. There is no flexibility.

The upsides are many. The commute is much more environmentally friendly, we save money, and I spend less time in traffic than I used to. Interestingly, it has made me more efficient as well. Knowing that I will have to leave at a certain time means I plan my work better and don't goof off as much. I used think I could just stay late if I wanted to surf the web or something, but now staying late is not an option. I have become better at judging what takes 8 hours of work, which has helped me set more realistic goals, at least short term ones. In all, the advent of my carpool was a positive change in my life. I highly recommend it.

It's definitely winter

This is the view out our front window right now. Sigh... Despite its beauty, I don't like snow. My mom has something of a phobia about driving in snow or ice. When I was a teenager and we had a snow day, not only did she not allow me to go anywhere, but my friends were not allowed to come to our house either because she didn't want anyone on the road. Now we tease her by calling snow the "white death". It kind of ruined snow for me forever.

The snow is an obvious indication that winter has fully arrived. Unfortunately, I have the listless mood to accompany it. Today was a no carpool day for me because I had to go to the university rather the research institute where I normally work. That meant I could take my time this morning. Knowing no one would be waiting on my doorstep for a ride, I hit the snooze for 45 minutes. When I finally did get up, I couldn't get motivated. I floundered all morning, feeling ashamed that I wasn't eager to write my talk for next week's conference. But it got me thinking about this same time last year when I was preparing an oral presentation for a small local meeting and feeling so down about my work and life in general. That's how I felt this morning. So maybe this mood is seasonal. I'm not usually a depressive person, but right now I'm not interested in anything but snuggling on the couch and reading blogs or watching tv. Or maybe it's because I'm presenting the same damn data I presented at last year's meeting.

I will try to remember this when the time comes to sign up for next December's conference. This is not a good week for me to work hard for a deadline. I just don't care about it.

Things improved when I found out a grad student friend just got a cool job. But that's another post.

The Five Love Languages

Have any of you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? I’m not really into self help books, but this is one that really resonated with me. The premise of the book is that there are five main ways that people give and receive love and each of us has one that is most important, or our primary love language. The five languages are physical touch, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and words of affirmation.

To determine your primary love language, ask yourself how you knew your mother (or other caregiver) loved you. A response like, “She hugged me” probably means it’s physical touch. “She told me” is likely to indicate words of affirmation. Or “she always packed a note in my lunch for me” could mean acts of service or gifts. Conversely, one may think about what punishment inflicted the most emotional pain. For example, the child who is devastated by being sent to her room probably has quality time as her primary love language. The book talks about how in many relationships, the same primary language is not shared by both parties. In those cases it’s important to learn what each person’s main love language is to keep everyone feeling loved and happy. The book also discusses how when people aren’t receiving the kind of love they need, they don’t feel much love at all. The person giving the love may be perplexed by the lack of recognition shown by the recipient. While giving and receiving love in a perceivable way is absolutely vital in a romantic or parenting relationship, it crosses over to all relationships, even those in a lab.

I wonder if some of our unhappiness in our jobs stems from not getting positive feedback in a form we can perceive. Perhaps some of the friction in lab relationships (and we do spend a lot of time with our labmates!) comes from miscommunication of love. Or maybe not love, but the professional equivalents like appreciation, respect, and gratitude.

Anyway, the book is worth a read. There are several of them actually. I have read the one for raising children and for married couples. The author is a pastor and definitely incorporates Christian ideals and Bible passages, but it’s not too intrusive. I’m not interested in religious teaching at all and I was able to ignore those parts.

7 more facts

• Ecogeofemme detroyed the periodic table, because Ecogeofemme only recognizes the element of surprise.
• Ecogeofemme can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
• Ecogeofemme is so bad she makes viruses sick. As such, ecogeofemme is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
  
• When Ecogeofemme enters a room, she doesn't turn the lights on. She turns the dark off.
  
• Ecogeofemme crossed the road. No one has ever dared question her motives.
  
• Ecogeofemme can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  
• Ecogeofemme can tie her shoes with her feet.
  

As seen at Thoughts From the Waiting Room
Get yours here.

I finished something!

I made the final payment on my credit card yesterday. Yay! In January, I made a new year’s resolution to pay it off. It was really hard but I had a plan, stuck with it, and now it’s over. I think it’s the only new year’s resolution I’ve ever kept.

I would describe myself as a saver, not a spender, so suddenly having credit card debt was both shocking and highly uncomfortable to me. I didn’t build the balance by buying a bunch of stuff. First, there was the big first trip to Far Off Land that I couldn’t quite cover up front. Then there were several instances of car maintenance and the deductible for body work after my car was hit while parked. Then an expensive last minute plane ticket for a funeral. All the while, I was still making car payments, so I quickly blew through my paltry emergency fund. That’s how I came to have credit card debt.

I paid off the car last year and now the credit card is paid off too. Finally, I can bask in the joy of completion. Ahhhhhhh.

Too bad my research projects still have months of work left to do.

Transcending the gender debate

Kate at A K8, A Cat, A Mission chose a very good topic, “transcending the debate”, for this month’s Scientiae Carnival, which I am contributing to for the first time. Here goes.

I believe that transcending gender issues in STEM fields involves setting the expectations ourselves. That is, behaving in a way that embodies what we want from our lives and our careers and demanding that others regard us how we wish. There are many confounding factors that make science jobs difficult for women. But it’s the jobs that are hard, not the science. We can do the science if someone would just take away the bullshit. So, I believe that rising above the debate comes from having the chops and not letting anyone think we don’t.

Doing the science in a way that improves the outlook for women entails shaking the guilt for being passionate. We don’t need to feel guilty for working at work, even if we want to work for a really long time. For wanting to run experiments more than we want to clean the bathroom or decorate the living room. By the same token, we should not feel guilty about wanting to live, either. For wanting to leave after just 8 hours because we have a dinner date or want to get home in time to watch Lost (and not hiding those plans from our colleagues or bosses). Or not wanting to go to a conference because we really don’t want to miss little Susie’s recital that is scheduled for the same day. We should do what we want, whether it’s working more than our mother-in-laws approve of or working less than the men act like they do.

This is not their system to dictate how we work. It’s our system too. We can do what we want with it. We can create part time jobs for each other. We can lower the requirements for tenure just a little bit. We can demand daycare on site. We can show some sympathy when one of our ranks has to stop an experiment short to go home to a sick kid, even finish the experiment for that mother. Or father, because part of our expectations should involve demanding more from men. Expecting that they know what size shoes the kids wear. That they notice when the bathroom is dirty, too. That we can rest assured that there will be no sexist comments towards us, no matter how subtle.

I know that women continue to be under represented at higher ranks in many STEM fields despite the larger numbers of female students for many years. I wish that the women who have made a career in science could feel empowered to make it easier for those young women to join them. And I know that many women are so overwhelmed that the pressure of being a role model/activist/leader might feel like too much. I’m sure many (most?!) women have it much tougher than I have it in my majority female lab, but we’re all in this together. Some collective effort can make science a friendlier place for women and parents. Then we will be able to not just transcend the debate, but make it obsolete.

wasteful

uck. I just saw a commercial for a jewelry store where a man watches a women open a gift from him. Each brightly wrapped box contains a smaller wrapped box. After about six elaborately wrapped boxes, the woman finally gets to a diamond necklace. I remember once S4's high school boyfriend did this for her and I thought it was so romantic (I was probably 6). I wished someone would do that for me someday. Now I just think it's disgusting to waste that much paper.

I really enjoy exchanging gifts though, especially at Christmas. My mom goes totally nuts; she buys a bajillion presents and gets all excited like a kid, singing and dancing around the house, which is probably why I like it so much. But when we were kids, we only really got new stuff at birthdays or Christmas because money was tight and there were so many of us (I am one of seven children). Even now, my mom buys a large portion of my clothes for me as birthday and Christmas gifts.

My pleasure in gift exchange has become somewhat tainted by my interest in non consumerism. I try to limit gift exchange with friends and coworkers because I end up buying stuff that I don't really have the money to buy and they don't really want.. That's fine, I guess, since it's the thought that counts. But it makes me feel so ick watching the tv ads this time of year and knowing all the energy and resources that will go to making and transporting all that stuff and I want to contribute to it as little as possible. So my best friend and I use the money we would have used to buy each other some kind of scented candle to go out together. We'd rather spend quality time together with no money guilt attached than have another picture frame.

Sorry this post was a little stream-of-consciousness. Arduous has spent much more time thinking about this issue, which got me thinking about holiday consumerism -- along with that commercial.

Infrastructure

Every scientist should get a full time technician. When hired as a professor or staff scientist, one expects an office and lab space. I believe that a professional technician should be part of the package. They should carry value as part of the organization's infrastructure.

More good science would get done if there were reliable and competent hands in the lab that don’t need to be retrained every 4-5 years (like grad students) , every 2-3 years (like staff funded by specific grants) or every 4-5 months (like seasonal interns). Having a technician who earns a living wage with fringe benefits would stay long enough to build institutional memory for the lab that would ease transition between students, prevent instrument problems that stem from multiple, poorly trained users, and provide leadership.

Even better, if professional technician positions paid adequately and were well respected, it would provide alternative science jobs. I know many people who really like bench or field work and they see that having only a bachelor’s or master’s degree will likely keep them cycling through short-term jobs tied to funding cycles. No 401(k). No maternity leave or paid vacation. Lousy hourly wage. Who wants to stay in that long term? Who can afford to? So people either enroll in a PhD program or find a job away from the bench. What a shame. I suspect that that is how many people end up in high pressure, high responsibility jobs that they dislike because really what they wanted was to actually do the nuts and bolts work of science, not write proposals all the time.

sloppy?

On the local NPR station, they said the weather forecast for tomorrow is "sloppy". I don't think I like sloppy.

Seven Random Facts

I got tagged by ScienceMama for another meme. How's that for two memes in two days?

Seven Random Facts about EcoGeoFemme

1. I am a nail biter. It started when I was around 8 years old, not too long after I stopped sucking my thumb. A lifetime of oral fixation.

2. I have not lived outside of the midwest U.S. expect for the one semester I studied abroad in Europe. I have lived in several midwest cities, though. I might have the opportunity to move to Far Off Land where Ecogeoman is from, but I'd rather not.

3. When I was very young, my much older brothers and sisters would torment me in many creative ways, such as truly convincing me that I was adopted or telling me that I was really the oldest but I had a disease that stunted my growth so our parents told me I was the youngest to spare my feelings. I believed this (almost) for some time. I have not yet concluded what this teasing has contributed to my adult personality.

4. I like beer best of all the adult beverages, but I'm learning to like wine. I made an effort to develop a palate for beer, so now I can appreciate different flavors of different styles. We have some friends who are really into wine -- I'll go so far as to say that they are wine snobs -- who serve delicious wine when we go to their place. Sampling such lovely bottles has dramatically increased my interest in and enjoyment of wine. Now I just have to get a job so I can afford to like wine. I almost never drink spirits.

5. I like working in a lab because I don't have to deal with too many people. When I worked retail in high school and college, I just couldn't stand always being nice to people I didn't know and didn't care about. I was nice, but I didn't like it and would make fun of customers when they left. It's much better now that I see only the same dozen or so people every day.

6. I super love having my hair played with or my back scratched in that tickly, caressing way that mothers and significant others do.

7. I don't really like seeing live music that much. It's usually too loud. I've been to a few shows that have been really fun, but on the whole I avoid spending my money and time seeing bands perform.

Now I have to tag 7 people. I just tagged 8 people for yesterday's meme. I feel a little weird tagging so many people at once since I'm new to the blog game and I don't think many of these people read this blog and maybe don't do memes, but I'll suck it up and do it. I tag:

Propter Doc, Hypoglycemiagirl, Jenny F., CAE, Am I a Woman Scientist, and FemalCSgradstudent. and I'll tag Wayfarer Scientista back.

Rules:1- Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.2- Share 7 random and or weird things about yourself.3- Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.4- Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Lists of 8 tag

Wayfarer Scientista tagged me for my very first meme, that requires 8 responses to several topics. Turns out, it’s a hard one. For most of these categories, I could quickly think of 4 or 5 things, but to come up with 8 was difficult. Like Wayfarer, mine are not in any order.

8 passions
1. my research subject. I believe all historical, political, and ecological phenomenon result from the thing I study.
2. my family and close friends
3. the complexity and elegance of nature
4. knitting, although my interest has waned lately
5. women-in-science issues, actually equality-for-women issues, although I have no formal training in women’s studies.
6. blogs, because of number 5 and because I like the community.
7. my relationship with ecogeoman
8. politics, especially environmental issues

8 things to do before I die
1. get married
2. have children
3. get a paper published
4. see a paper cited at least once
5. learn to enjoy a physical activity. I’d like to take up running or a sport long enough to start to like it.
6. live near my family
7. take a vacation that is not to visit anyone. To a beach. Not camping. When I have saved up for it so I’m not worried about money and will order all the pina coladas I want without feeling guilty about the credit card balance. Or taking off work.
8. take a class (like pottery or pilates) that results in new friends. This would be different for me because the friends would not be related to work in any way and would be an outcome of my initiative.

8 things I often say
1. Can you just …? For example, when ecogeoman is working later than I’d like, “can you just come home now?”
2. “Butt”, or replacing syllables in other words with “butt” as in abuttment rather than apartment. More often, butt gets inserted into people’s names.
3. b!tch a*s mother f**cker
4. dude
5. “Well” when I’m exasperated, but I pronounce it more like “wool”. Ecogeoman really makes fun of this.
6. “you’re so good” Always meant sincerely.
7. “enough is as good as a feast.” I think this more than I say it.
8. “and the other thing is…” My way of ranting or continuing a dying conversation.

8 books I recently read
1. Currently, A women of Independent Means by Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey
2. Started Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray because I promised Awesome Technician I would, against my better judgment. I didn’t get past chapter 3.
3. Started The End of Faith by Sam Harris because I told Ecogeoman I would. I didn’t get past chapter 3.
4. Cold Sassy Tree by Olive Ann Burns
5. The Stranger by Albert Camus
6. The Botany of Desire by Michael Pollan
7. The Children’s Blizzard by David Laskin
8. Life and Death in Shanghai by Nien Cheng

8 songs that mean something to me
1. “Every Time You Go Away” by Paul Young because S3 and I decided it was “our song” when she was in college and I was a little kid. I would sob every time she left to go back to school after a break.
2. “No Rain” by Blind Melon because it’s my favorite song ever.
3. “You Are My Sunshine” because my mom used to sing it with my aunt when they were little kids. Since my aunt died, we all think of her when we hear that song.
4. Anything from Fashion Nugget by Cake, because for some reason I played it continuously my sophomore year of college.
5. “Manic Monday” by the Bangles because it was the first song I learned the lyrics for.
6. “Deacon Blues” by Steely Dan, because I used to argue that Steely Dan sucked with a very good friend who loved them and who died 18 months ago. Any Steely Dan song reminds me of him, but Deacon Blues is my least favorite and the one we debated most.
7. Any song on The Big Chill soundtrack, which S2 and I used to always listen and sing to, especially in the car.
8. “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen because it somehow ended up on nearly every mix cd I have.

8 qualities I look for in a friend
1. trustworthiness
2. intelligence
3. silly sense of humor
4. low maintenance
5. positive
6. non judgmental
7. not too materialistic
8. common interests

8 people who's blogs I enjoy and who may consider themselves tagged if they wish
1. A Cat Nap
2. A Mad Tea-Party
3. Everything and More
4. Just a Girl
5. Mother of All Scientists
6. Rising to the Occasion
7. The Bean Chronicles
8. Unbalanced Reaction

Sick Day

Warning: This post is a big whine.

I'm home sick today. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat, aches, and fever. I still had to drive the 5.5 hours home from my parents' house, which ended up taking 7.5 hours because it rained the whole way and we had to make extra stops to get tea for me, and then extra bathroom stops because of the extra tea. Ecogeoman doesn't drive in the U.S., so I couldn't sleep because I had to drive. When we got home, I went straight to bed with that kind of fever where you pile on four blankets and still have goosebumps. I'm feeling better today after 13 hours of sleep, but not well enough to go to work. Even though I really really wanted to get samples ready for the last bit of data I need for my talk.

Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow.

Wait, what did you say you do?

We just got back from my high school reunion. It was surreal. I recognized most people but I forgot more names than I anticipated. And more people seemed to remember me than I expected. Sadly, most of the band kids didn't come, so I was stuck talking to people who weren't really my good friends. Anyway, what is relevant here is that I realized how weird my job sounds to lay people. I'm used to going to parties populated mostly by scientists so rather than asking what you do, they ask what you study. Tonight, it was sales people and bankers and teachers and such. My job was utterly strange sounding. Plus, I felt pretentious saying I was working on a PhD. It was the first time I felt self conscious describing my occupation. Usually I'm really proud of it.

That Nagging Feeling

We're still in my hometown enjoying the holiday with my family. On Thursday there were something like 30 people at my sister's house for dinner, which was fun. Yesterday, I went S1, S2, S4, and B2 to see our uncle who has been sick and living in a retirement/assisted living/nursing home for a little over a year. It was a great visit. Afterwards, we went out for pizza at my favorite place which is only found in this city. Then a long day of hanging out with a variety of family, with people coming and going from S2's new house until midnight. Ecogeoman got to see a movie with S2's husband, which is his favorite leisure activity. A great day. Today we don't really have any plans until my high school reunion this evening.

So it has been a good holiday and I haven't done any work or really thought about work too much. But it's there. That little twinge of guilt, the little nagging feeling is just at the very back of my thoughts. I guess I should feel good that it's not looming near the front as it is for ecogeoman, who has been studying his work stuff all morning. I am pretty good at turning it off most of the time. When I get home from work, I usually leave it behind and do home stuff at home. And it works the other way too, where all but the biggest life problems are forgotten when I'm at the lab. But I know that I have a TON of work to do before the big meeting in December at which I am giving my first big oral presentation. I feel guilty that more isn't done already, that I won't make my (self-imposed) goals for the year, etc. I would feel equally guilty if I tried to work on my presentation here, since that's not what I am supposed to be doing over Thanksgiving. I wish I didn't carry this guilt and I wonder if people with other professional jobs have it as well. Certainly it's not exclusive to scientists, but I wonder if it is as strong in early stages of other careers as it is for us. I also wonder what's going to happen when (if) I have more responsibility, like children or my own lab.


Well, that's a downer. For the rest of the day, I'm just going to be thankful that I'm here, my parents are healthy, my family is happy, and ecogeoman is with me. And that I have something interesting to say about myself and something cute to wear and a boyfriend with a cool accent to bring to that high school reunion.

My Thanksgiving Tradition

We’re off to another midwest city tomorrow to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I always enjoy the Thanksgiving break because it’s a long enough visit that I get to relax with my family; usually our trips there are so rushed. All but two of my six siblings will be there with seven of my thirteen nieces and nephews. Chaotic, but very fun.

I always spend the day after Thanksgiving with one particular sister (I think I will use Profgrrrl’s approach and number them by birth order, so this is S2). My mom always power shops for bargains, so starting when I was around ten years old, S2, who is fourteen years older than me, would take me out for the day. The first few years, we’d just go shopping. She’d take me to all the big malls that my mom wouldn’t typically bother with. Then when S2 became engaged, we’d go with her fiancé to see the Christmas displays and such. Then, when she had kids, we’d do something all together, then her husband would take the kids home and we’d go out shopping for the rest of the day. Sometimes another sister or our mom would join us for a while too. Now that my boyfriend is also there, it’s a different dynamic. It’s difficult to find something that all of us can enjoy, especially because S2 just really want s a break from mom duties, but boyfriend isn’t really much of a kid person so isn’t thrilled by hanging out with S2’s husband and kids all day. This year, S2’s family just moved into a new house so she’s super busy and overwhelmed. I offered to help unpack that day, which she seemed to like. We’ll probably spend the day at their new house, play some cards, order pizza, and maybe do some unpacking/organizing. A big break from our usual tradition, but fun nonetheless.

Addendum: Boyfriend (who will now be called ecogeoman) read this post and got upset that I wrote that he isn't a kid person. He really likes kids and in fact was looking forward to spending the day with S2's family. My bad.

Dream Jobs

Yesterday was a busy but fun day. We went to two dinner parties (one was at lunch time) and played Cranium at both. What fun.

Anyway, one of the parties was hosted by someone from my boyfriend’s work. Recall that he is also a grad student in a related field, so all but one person at this dinner was in science. We got to talking about dream jobs. Everyone was shocked when this one man who is a superstar young PI said that if he could do anything at all he would be a fiction writer. We were all like, so write! Why don’t you just write in your free time? He said that he didn’t think he could be successful, that there are so very, very many aspiring writers and so few who are prosperous novelists or screenwriters. I thought it was so interesting that this guy who has a very good career at a very well respected institution would be turned off by a profession because it is too competitive. Aren’t we all saying that science is too competitive all the time?

For the record, my top five dream jobs are, in no particular order:

• Broadway dancer
• Voiceover actor
• Synchronized swimmer
• Scientist
• Financial advisor

I also have a list of realistic Plan B dream jobs in case I can’t get or don’t want a job as a research scientist when the time comes. But those won’t get identified on this blog. :)

Frustration!

The first chapter of my dissertation involves this very cool dataset that is comprised of data from archived samples going back twenty years. I have been working with these data for the last four years and still have not finalized the story. There is always one more thing to check, one more group of samples that turn up and need to be analyzed, or more way to look at the results. It’s so frustrating. I thought I finally had it all sorted out, but there was a glaring ambiguity that was somewhat disquieting. However, I thought there was nothing I could do about it so I was ready to start working on the manuscript. Then another set of samples were discovered, so I analyzed them and got the data back today. Guess what. The f’ing ambiguity still exists. The new numbers didn’t help much at all. I wouldn’t care so much (the data are the data), but there is one really important conclusion that I can either make or not make. I need to be convinced that the data support one story over the other before I can persuade anyone else. This dataset eventually will be included in a meta-analysis or synthesis of some kind (hopefully) which will then influence policy (hopefully). I really want to feel confident in my conclusion because I think this is an important study.

I will talk to my advisor about it on Monday. That will help me feel secure about however we decide to discuss the results, but she’s not going to offer some new idea to solve the problem. We’re out of options.

Phooey.

Question

Do people in your real life know you blog? If not, do you ever talk about blog content? I talk about the blogs I read but in a vague way. I'll say things like, "I read somewhere..." or "I heard someone say..." It's funny because I would rather have Bloggers know my real identity than have Real Life People know my blog identity. Except for my boyfriend. He knows both.

Jokes

Lately I have been hearing these funny tv and radio commercials that encourage people to replace incandescent lightbulbs with the compact fluorescent kind. They all have several "how many X does it take to change a light bulb" jokes in a row. I like the one that asks how many body builders it takes. The answer is 5, one to change it and four to tell him he's huuuuuuuuuuge. But my favorite is: How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? The answer is: One, but it takes him 8 years and when he finished he's not sure why he wanted to do it anyway. Of course I feel slightly degraded by it, but it's nice to have your thing on the radio. And it's funny.

Do you know any good grad student/scientist/adacemic jokes?

Leadership

A coworker (who will be called Awesome Technician from now on) went to a leadership seminar yesterday and told me all about it because I couldn’t go. The subject was giving and receiving feedback. Our lab really struggles with this. I don’t think I could understate how non-confrontational people here are, especially those in charge. While it’s nice to not be scolded or put down all the time, sometimes it is important to notify each other of problems. We mostly get along famously, but when there are issues, the passive aggressive nature of these non-confrontational personalities leads to an undercurrent of discomfort for everyone.

There were two main messages Awesome Technician conveyed to me from the class. The first, and most surprising, was that you should not give positive and negative feedback at the same time. Surprising since many people think it’s best to try to say something nice before delivering criticism. Doing this devalues the positive and makes is seem not genuine. Also, the receiver cannot enjoy the positive and in future feedback situations expects the positive to be followed with a “but”. Additionally, it can be confusing as in, “you just said I was doing great and now you’re saying I suck”. The second point was that positive feedback sounds more sincere if it is specific. Rather than, “you’re doing well”, say “you really improved your technique on procedure X”. Awesome Technician thought this was intuitive but I didn’t.

Awesome Technician and I work together a lot and frequently supervise interns together. It will be interesting to see if I can detect her using the suggestions from the class either with me or with our next intern.
I think that leadership skills are often lacking in PIs. The skills that are selected for through the post doc level do not necessarily overlap with the skills necessary to be a good leader/manager (i.e., PI). In fact, the skills of a bench scientist may even be counter to those needed by a manager. There are more leadership classes available from our HR department that I might try to take, since I’d like to be proficient at my job even after I’m away from the bench.

Passion or lack thereof

My boyfriend and I were talking about our relative passion for our work. He is a grad student in the same department as me but we are in different (sub)fields. I expressed my concern that because I am not consumed with desire for my research, I may not be so successful in a research career. I often envy how motivated he is; he is deeply driven, almost obsessed with wanting to understand everything possible about his subject. He kind of surprised me today by saying that this is partly because he feels like he has to justify the importance of his work. The value and necessity of my research area is obvious, while he feels he must constantly explain why taxpayer money should pay for what he does. He feels he must work inexhaustibly to find material that is broadly interesting (i.e., beyond a handful of specialists). This also means there are fewer jobs for people like him because there’s less money for what he does. He feels like he has to be a rock star because there’s so much competition for those few jobs. I worry about getting a job too, but it’s true that there are more positions in my field than his. I’m not sure if there are more newly minted PhDs each year though. The competition is probably worse for him.

Struggling with ambition

I was just out for beers with some science friends and initiated a conversation inspired by Female Science Professor's recent posts on ambition. One friend is a post doc who is applying for jobs and is rather down about it. He also really, really likes beer. Scientists will often say that they are lucky because their hobby is their job, but for this person, science is his job and beer is his hobby. So I asked if he thought he would be happier working as a beer buyer or opening his own bar. After some consideration, his answer was an emphatic yes. However, he said he would never actually pursue that type of job because he would feel too guilty leaving science. He felt he owed it to his PhD and post doc advisors to stay in science. Then he added up all the money taxpayers had spent educating him via stipends, fellowships, and research funds and said he owed it to America to be a scientist. I countered that the publications he generated during his PhD fulfilled his obligation and that he had made no long term commitment for the money he had received (unlike say, an M.D. who agrees to work in rural areas in exchange for med school tuition). He was unconvinced.

Even more interesting, when I described FSP's post about ambition and the narrow definition of success for PhDs, this guy agreed that he felt that his ambition of teaching at a small university was not so respected. He said that he would feel successful if he "reached" just one student. When asked how he would know he had reached someone, he said that the best evidence would be if they chose a career like his. So it's just like the faculty at R1s! Everybody wants their students to be just like them. This guy wants to be like the professor who most influenced him at the small university he attended and his dream is to influence another student in the same way.

One important point I'd like to make is that these issues of ambition and such affect men in science too. My male scientist friends suffer from imposter complexes and feel like they are no good sometimes, just like us women. It's the lucky few who can escape the negativity and pressure.

The happy scientist?

I thought I would write about why I titled my new blog The Happy Scientist. Inspiration for it came from conversations with friends, especially my boyfriend, and from other blogs, good recent examples of which are posts like this and this and the comments in this.

One of my interests in sciencey blogs is that I want to explore what makes a happy scientist, particularly one who is female. Many people appear to love their research but not love their jobs. Some will say they love their jobs, but I wonder if they actually do. Yes, they like a flexible schedule (60 hour work weeks), investigating interesting hypotheses (no gratification for months on end), and independence (not getting a decent paying job until age 35). It seems that everyone really wants to love her science job because she loves science so much, but it’s hard. Of course there are many exceptions.

Since I became aware of how things work in academia/government labs, I have felt that I am joining the system, therefore it is partly mine. That means that I can take part in shaping the trajectory of how it changes, namely making it more inclusive to women and other underrepresented groups. Recently though, I'm starting to think that maybe I'd be happier if I took my PhD (when I get it) and did something else. I really enjoy research. I like asking questions and exploring answers. In particular, I like knowing how the world works. Nature is so elegant. But the system for doing Science is not and I'm starting to wonder if I can change it enough to be happy in that system. All along I have envisioned myself working at a government lab or university doing research. Lately, however, I have given some thought to something a little more applied. There are some cool consulting kinds of things that could be done with the expertise I have. That is appealing because it would be solving real problems in real time and it might be easier to have a family with such a job. The thought of not doing research is a little sad though. I have been operating under the assumption that eventually, I will become a leader in the research community I've been courting for the last seven years. It's unsatisfying to let that drop. And it makes me feel like I’d be giving up. There’s that guilt again!

This little self exploration was stimulated by some set backs in my research (it’s so damn hard to finish anything) and by me thinking about why I want to blog. I’m sure I’ll change my tune soon enough, but it’s good to talk out one’s negative feelings from time to time. Then hopefully they don’t take over.

And...

I forgot to mention that the biggest reason I like the task described below is that it's the last step before I get data. My work involves obtaining samples then spending a very long time working with them, months or longer, before I get numbers. Makes that tedious little job all the more exciting.

Working on the weekend

I'm working on a Saturday. I dislike working on weekends because I believe I shouldn't have to. I try really hard to shake the guilt that comes with working banker hours, but it still creeps up sometimes. Currently, I'm desperate to finish something (anything!) so I've been working every weekend. At least today I won't be here for so long and I'm working on my very favorite task. It involves doing the same little tiny movements again and again, but I get to sit in a comfortable seat, listen to streaming broadcast of my favorite NPR shows, and it has an obvious end. Plus I get to race myself which is a surefire way to boost my efficiency and make me feel like I got something done.

Finally

After more than a year of commenting incessantly on other people's blogs, I finally have a blog of my own. At first I didn't start a blog because I didn't feel like I had anything unique to say. Eventually, I decided that I actually do have something to contribute to the conversation. I think my position is uncommon and maybe even a little inspiring: I am a member of two labs, each populated with70% women. I have a female research advisor who I adore and a male academic/research advisor who I like and appreciate. I am not bitter. But the more I learn the ins-and-outs of how the system works, the more reservations I have about my proposed career path.

I have come to really enjoy the blog community in which I have been lurking. I almost exclusively read women scientists and academics. It's so interesting to get such candid insight from people I would probably never interact with otherwise, either because of differences in research subject or status. They have provided adjunct mentorship, inspiration, outrage, comedy, and lots of fodder for conversation between my boyfriend and me. Now I want to join the club. And it never hurts to write more.