Happy New Year?

Today I drove back from my hometown. I had a great visit with my family. I sorely missed EGM, but it was actually kind of nice to have some time with my family by myself. It was easier to make plans without worrying if he would be bored and I could spend more time just playing with the kids, visiting neighbors, and shopping with my mom and teenage nieces.

I LOVE New Year's Eve and resolutions and all that, but tonight I'm think I might miss out on the fun. I'm supposed to go to a party tonight but I have a terrible headache. I rarely get headaches, but this one is bad enough that I might stay home. And not really care that I'm missing NYE. I just ordered a pizza; maybe eating will help.

More reflection and discussion of resolutions tomorrow.

I hope you all have a terrific New Year's Eve!

Peace out

I'm off to Hometown in a few minutes. The weather looks okay -- rain, not ice or snow. There is a car totally stuck in its parking space right outside my building. It got walled in by snowplows and now the driver has been revving the engine, trying to get out for like 5 min. I'd go help if I thought I could do anything (if EGM were here, I'd send him outside to push). I hope my car doesn't get stuck.

Have a warm and safe holiday, everyone. I hope it's free of guilt, work that isn't fun, and silly arguments.

RBOSnow day

• I spent the better part of last night suffering from nausea. I had skipped dinner, so I thought I was just hungry. I finally got up to find a snack but had to run to the bathroom to puke instead. Afterward I felt 100% better, as though it had never happened. I'm pretty sure it was because I took the second pill of the month on an empty stomach, which has been vomit-inducing in the past. I fear that if I ever get pregnant, I will have some wicked morning sickness.
• My research institution closed at noon today. We would have left early anyway because it was snowing pretty hard, but it was nice to have their blessing to go that early. Traffic turned out to not be too bad, but I was still really happy that it was my carpool buddy's turn to drive.
• I'm hoping that I don't have trouble driving to my hometown tomorrow. Things look manageable right now. Fingers crossed.
• I emailed a potential post doc mentor in Hometown. I need to find out more about what this person does, but I'm not sure I'd be a good match for the lab. It can't hurt to make new contacts, though. I guess there is some small chance I might visit the lab while I'm in town.
• I think I need more iron. I've been feeling sort of weird sometimes lately, like kinda weak/lightheaded/floppy/hungry. I had been vegetarian for a long while but this year I started eating some meat. I still eat very little and almost never red meat. I have a brother-in-law who has some um, non-mainstream views on public health, one of them being that iron enriched foods are not good for us. He was moderately convincing, so we started to avoid Fe-enriched food when convenient. At around the same time, we decided to eliminate high fructose corn syrup from the things we eat most, and that was a higher priority than the Fe thing. It turns out that most of the no-HFCS alternatives also don't have Fe. My point is that I think I hardy get any Fe in my diet and that was fine for a while but I think I've had enough periods now that my stocks are depleted. Perhaps some lamb tonight.
  
• This was a long bullets post. Sorry.
  

Diverting stress

Ecogeoman and I talk a lot more about his work than mine. He has a some slightly paranoid notes to his personality and is prone to anxiety. He likes to talk about all aspects of his work: the details of his own research, projects other people are doing that he finds particularly interesting or stupid, interactions with his coworkers, detailed timelines for his projects. I talk about these things too, but not nearly as much. I'm much more likely to focus on the interactions I have with my colleagues rather than describing details of my work (I think it's really boring to explain enough background information for him to appreciate what I'm talking about). Sometimes, I get a little tired of hearing so much about his work. Not sick of it, just sometimes I'd like to explore other topics.

Last night and today I felt super stressed. I had a little tantrum when I saw Awesome Technician first thing this morning in which I vented about my insecurities about my paper. Then later, I had lunch with Research Advisor and went through the same rant, explaining how I feel like a Bad Scientist because I found errors in my spreadsheets and it took me so long to get through her edits, etc. I felt much better after all this, and I thanked her for listening to me be so melodramatic. She reassured me and said it wasn't really all that emotional.

It occurred to me that I've been dwelling on all the little work stresses I've had lately. Some of them are legit and deserve a little mulling over, but most of them are no big whoop. I think having EGM around to go on about his (non-existent?) work crises keeps me from focusing on my own problems. I get to give him advice (one of my all time favorite activities) and he takes my attention away from whatever bullshit might be on my mind. With him away, I find I'm a little prone to inner monologue histrionics.

Who knew that my ability to partition work and home was all because of EGM? And I wonder if it makes him more stressed to talk about it all so much? Somehow I doubt it.

EGM, I need you to come home now. kthnx.

Only just

Lately I've been feeling like I'm only just keeping on top of things. For example, I ran out of checks a couple of months ago. I write one check a month, to EGM for half the rent. So I've been able to procrastinate getting more because I could just get cash for him. But now he's away so I have to send a check for the rent. I finally ordered them, but none too soon. In another case, I spaced getting my sex pills refilled. I managed to pick up the prescription 5 mins before the pharmacy closed on Saturday (it's closed on Sundays). I needed the pills on Sunday.

Other than elevating my stress level, there's not really a problem with only just making it. Nothing has been overdue. The checks will come before I have to post the rent. I got the pills in time. My brother's Christmas gift should arrive before the 25th. To an outside observer, I probably look like I totally have my act together. But I don't feel like I do. I would like to feel all smug and virtuous for efficiently doing all my chores and errands. Oh well.

Happy Solstice!

There's still a lot of winter left, but at least we're on the upswing now!

Unless you're in the southern hemisphere, in which case: mwah-ha-ha-ha!

What am I forgetting?

This year I only had to buy one Christmas gift. I went in with some of my sibs for gifts for my mom and dad, we all go in together for gifts for the nieces and nephews*, I don't exchange with any friends, and EGM and I are getting a new t.v., so we decided not to get each other any presents. If we were together on Christmas, I think there'd be temptation to get some small things for each other, but since he'll still be away it's not an issue. So the only present I had to get was for my secret santa sibling who lives in another state. I ordered something online, so I didn't even really have to shop for that. It feels weird, like I'm forgetting something.

I also feel a little out of control with my paper. The corrections Research Advisor suggested are taking way longer than I thought they would. Most of them were changes to the text, but some of them required going back to the data. I've kind of been going back and forth from text to data, and that has made me feel a little confused about what is still left to do. Also, I discovered some small errors in my spreadsheet, which had me kind of heart broken. How could I possibly have mistakes after all the times I've combed through those spreadsheets? What other mistakes might be lurking? How can I ever be a Good Scientist if I have errors in data that I am this close to submitting? I think the problems arose from having multiple versions of the same files, i.e. one saved on my work desktop, one on my usb stick, and on my laptop, plus ones where I played around with different analyses and stuff. Boo.

I had a snow day yesterday, which I spent trying very hard to stay focused on work. Though I wasted plenty of time looking at blogs and such, I don't think I worked any less than if I had sat in traffic trying to get to work in the ice and snow. Not really a net gain. But I went to the lab today because I needed to use some software that I don't have on my laptop and I got tons done with hardly any goofing off (there were certain things I really wanted to finish while there, and I wanted to get out of there before weather got bad again). At this point, I think I'm very close to finishing RA's revisions. Hopefully I can send the manuscript to all three coauthors sometime tomorrow. With any luck, they'll be able to look over it quickly, tell me it's fine, and then I'll still be able to submit it before break. I'm not holding my breath that things will move that quickly, though.

*I wrote about our system for niece/nephew presents last year, but it's worth sharing again. There are 14 children in that generation of my family. They all have way too much stuff, and it would be really expensive and time consuming for each of us to buy a separate gift for each one of them. So, we all put in $10/per kid (not much, really) and get one item for all the kids in each family. For example, last year S2's kids got a basketball hoop. This year, their other grandparents are getting them a wii, so we are buying them games for it. Most of the other kids will get family memberships to museums, the zoo, nature center, etc. It works out great for everyone.

100 Things I've Done

I've seen this at several different blogs and decided to do it myself.
Bold means I've done it. Italics mean it's one of the 5 on this list that I'd most like to do.

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii (#1 dream vacation)
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world (I marched in the evening parade with my high school marching band. It was AWESOME, wasn't it BFF?)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis (I'm not sure why this is on such a list. Is there some superstition I don't know?)
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped (not appealing. especially since EGM has inculcated me with his fear of detached retinas.)
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch (if knitting and walking on stilts count)
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked (this would be fun if it were safe enough.)
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (well, I've definitely been inefficient when I "worked at home" but I've never truly played hookey.)
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb (again, is there something I'm missing here? why would I want to hold a lamb?)
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon (not appealing.)
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset (I frequently see the sunrise -- it's so cool when the great orange disk slides up above the horizon so quickly you can detect the movement. I've only seen a sunset like that once.)
31. Hit a home run (something I have certainly fantasized about, but just in the context of backyard games. I'm always last picked.)
32. Been on a cruise (would love to, but it's a low priority, vacation-wise. Although I guess I did go on a 1-night cruise on the Baltic Sea. There wasn't much beside a disco, so it's not what comes to mind when someone says "cruise".)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person (sounds like wet, short-lived excitement.)
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors (there are other places I'd rather see.)
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language (another thing I've daydreamed doing.)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (when I was in college with a part-time job, I had plenty of pocket money for beer with some left over. So not enough in the wider sense, but I was satisfied in the here-and-now sense.)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David (not especially appleaing.)
41. Sung karaoke (I'd love to do this, but EGM doesn't like me to sing. Given that he loves most everything else I do, I take his word for it that no one else would like to hear me sing, either.)
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa (I'd quite like to see Africa, but I'm not sure what the ideal circumstances would be. I'd love to do fieldwork in the Sahel, but I'm not sure I have the nerve.)
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted (Not appealing. My sister's kids had this done. Apparently it's not all it's cracked up to be.)
48. Gone deep sea fishing (I'm not sure what qualifies, but I've fished just far enough out that I couldn't see the shore.)
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (I'm counting the hard core lemonade stand business al a Babysitter's Club I had when I was a kid)
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching (I've wanted to do this ever since I saw "Castaway" even though I know it wouldn't be like that.
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving (not appealing)
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt (not appealing.)
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades (another trip I'd love to make)
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person (This is one of my dream vacations. I WILL do it someday soon enough that I'm fit enough to enjoy it. I was seriously envious of Rebecca's recent trip.)
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car (shortly after I graduated college and started my tech job. It was so exciting! Until I went back to school and still had to make payments.)
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible (not appealing)
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (just fish)
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury (it was just like Law & Order)
91. Met someone famous (I fantasize about this occasionally. In a "Notting Hill" kind of way. I'm sure Brad Pitt would LOVE to play Cranium with me and my friends.)
92. Joined a book club (haven't do this, although I would like to.)
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant (at the zoo)

Motivation survey results

Now that a full week has passed since I posted this hastily composed work motivation survey, it's time to check out the responses. As it happens, I chose a question format that is somewhat difficult to interpret, especially with small number of responses. Thus, I simply noted the average rating for each response. The smaller the number, the more importance people assigned to the response, on average. Unfortunately, since it didn't occur to me to offer the same number of responses for each question, it's a little hard to compare the average ratings across questions (a possible average rating for Q4 could be 6 whereas the highest average rating for a response to Q3 is only 4) so I divided the average rating by the number of possible responses when I wanted to make generalizations among questions (not shown) .

So what might we have learned from this exercise? You may remember that the initial dialog centered on fear of scoopage. I now feel comfortable saying that fear of being scooped is not the primary work motivation for most people. Interestingly, the ranking of "love of science" increased (smaller numbers mean higher rank) after tenure (although the sample size decreased). It appears that, before tenure, both students and faculty find their primary motivation in the sheer volume of work they feel they must accomplish to reach the next career milestone. Still, love of science ranked pretty high. In contrast, prestige great enough to warrant the throwing of little pickles by a thousand naked women was not an important driver of overtime work. Go figure. The value people place on the opinions of their colleagues stays pretty constant until tenure, when it plummets. Ditto for bosses.

Social scientists certainly have a handy tool with their skills at designing surveys. There were clearly plenty of weaknesses with this one, notably the omission of a question directed at post docs, as Sciencemama pointed out. Sorry post docs. I had intended the thing to be just one question, but I got sucked in by the shininess of SurveyMonkey. Then I forgot you.


Okay, so here's the summary of the responses. The average rating follows each response.

Question 1. What is your primary motivation for working >40 hours per week?
32 responses

I'm worried I'll get scooped 3.96
I need to work a ton of hours to have the output necessary to get a job/tenure 2.25
My boss/advisor will disapprove if I don't 2.78
My colleagues will disapprove if I don't 3.66
For the love of scientific inquiry, what else? 2.16

Question 2. For grad students: If you feel obligated to work long hours, why?
19 responses

My advisor will think poorly of me if I don't 2.84
Other students will think poorly of me if I don't 3.79
I think it's necessary in order to amass enough work to graduate in a reasonable time 2.11
I want grad school to be as short as possible -- the ore hours I work each week, the fewer weeks I have to spend in this hell hole 3.06
I just love science! The more time I can spend with science, the happier I am! 2.95

Question 3. For non-tenured faculty: If you feel obligated to work long hours in order to achieve tenure, why?
7 responses

It's not possible to accomplish everything necessary for tenure in 40 hours/week. 1.50
My department chair/review committee will think I'm a slacker 2.29
My colleagues will think poorly of me, which will be apparent in my letters 3.00
Who care about tenure? I do it for the love, you insignificant, whiny student! 2.17

Question 4. For tenured faculty or non-tenure track real job people: why do you work so much?
5 responses

To be competitive for funding 2.40
For the prestige! I see myself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at me*. 5.60
For the love of science. duh. 1.60
Because all these over anxious students are always hounding me to read their papers and teach their courses and write their recommendations. wah, wah, wah. 3.75
To keep my boss happy. 4.20
To keep myself marketable in case I want to change jobs. 2.60


This line comes from the 1985 classic Real Genius, known to some as "The Popcorn Movie".

Redirective feedback

Long-time readers may recognize some of the content of this post from a while back, but whatev. I wanted to share it again.

Awesome Technician occasionally goes to professional development workshops offered by our HR department and she's patient enough to share the wisdom with me afterward. One such class was about giving and receiving feedback, both positive and negative redirective. These classes can have some real gems of insight, stuff that's common sense but hard to identify. This one was particularly good, as it offered some counter-intuitive, yet sensible advice. Here, I have tried to relay as much as I can remember to you, dear reader.

First of all, the class claims that, contrary to conventional wisdom, it is not good to start negative feedback with a positive statement. It can

• confuse the listener -- was she saying I did a good job or a bad job?
• water down the praise -- people are more likely to remember the negative things, so the positives get lost
• lead to mistrust -- any future praise is met with anticipation of a "but"

It's better just to give positive feedback when it is warranted. When you're on the receiving end of positive comments, it's best to just say "thank you" rather than things like, "it was no big deal" or "so-and-so really did most of that project". You want to graciously accept the praise, take credit for your work, and contribute to a positive atmosphere.

Another poor opener for negative feedback is something like "I know you've been busy, but..." Don't supply the listener's excuses for her! You want the conversation to be focused on how to change behaviors so work goes more smoothly. An excuse parade doesn't accomplish that, it restricts the discussion to shallow lip-service without getting to the core of the problem.

A feedback conversation can also be derailed by ranting or venting. Vent to your friends! Don't waste work time with inefficient ranting that just makes people feel bad. You want the conversation to be positive so you can make progress toward fixing your problem. It's emotional enough to give negative feedback (for both parties) without adding a lot of hot-headed nonsense to the mix. Plus, the heart of the problem and how to solve it may not be clear to the listener if it is buried in a litany of emotional complaints.

So what should you say when you need to convey dissatisfaction? It's important to keep it brief (under 60 sec, although the resulting conversation may be much longer) and to the point. You should boil the problem down to a simple, clear statement, say how it's affecting your work, and then open the conversation up for discussion of solutions. Try to use your most calm and neutral tone.

1. Start by stating the problem.
   
2. Then say how the person's behavior is part of the problem.
3. Next, say how the problem is affecting you, your colleagues, or your productivity.
4. End with a question to kick off the discussion.

For example, you might say something like, "Lately, we have been running out of certain reagents even though there is a system in place to prevent that. 1 It's really a problem when you use the last of the reagent without ordering more. 2 Several times I have had to abort an experiment because the critical reagent was gone even though I had checked the supply the day before. That's a poor use of my time and lab resources, since the other supplies I used to initiate the experiment went to waste. 3 What ways can we make the reagent organization and ordering process clearer and easier so that this doesn't happen again? 4"

Hopefully, this will encourage the person to own up to their poor lab citizenship and either get their A into G to quit using everyone else's shit or to say that there really is a wrinkle in the system that could be ironed out.

Finally!

Research Advisor finally read my paper! Yay!!!11!!1!!!11!

She provided tons of comments, but nothing really major. It's mostly word-smithing and clarifying the logic in some passages plus rearranging a couple of tables. Two more substantial changes require a tweak to the stats using a method that is new to me (she explained how to do it, but I'm not sure I'll be able to pull it off on my own) and some retooling of a "broader context/implications" paragraph on which I will need to work with Academic Advisor. They will both be gone next week, but if I can get through everything else before then, there's still a chance I could submit it before the break.

I did have the opportunity and the mangoes to provide some "redirective" feedback that opened up a discussion on how this 9-month delay in comments happened and what we can do to prevent it in the future. That will be a separate post because I want to delete this series about RA specifically, but keeps pieces that are more general.

Ecogeomom is coming

My mom is coming to hang out for a few days. We have a Christmas shopping adventure planned for Saturday and I'm going to take her to work with me on Friday. I always think it's really interesting to see the workplaces of my friends and family, especially when I've heard them talk about work extensively, so I think she'll get a kick out of seeing where I work. It should be really interesting for my mom since she's never seen a lab. Either that or she'll be underwhelmed and think it's really boring. My department holiday party is on Friday, which means the day will be shot to hell anyway, she won't create any extra distraction, and everyone will be available to chat for a little while. I'm looking forward to seeing my biological mom meet my academic mom (i.e. Research Advisor). Somehow, it seems like the interaction might create a black hole or something.

Anyway, EcoGeoMom doesn't know about this blog, so I probably won't be posting much for the next few days.

What really motivates you?

Yesterday's poll precipitated such great comments that I decided to delve a little deeper into what motivates people to work so damn much. Obviously it's not just because of the threat of being scooped. So, a new poll. This time I made it in Survey Monkey because the one from yesterday got all jacked up and I can't see the results. Survey Monkey is much easier and more flexible, however, so I wrote four questions - one that's general and three that are targeted by job description. Sorry that you have to click to another page. Please come back here to make comments, especially if you think I provided sucky responses.

Click Here to take survey

What if you couldn't be scooped?

Would you still work so much?

One insight I've gained through reading blogs is that the ferocity of competition in a field like mine is very different from say, the biomedical sciences. Jobs and fellowships are really competitive, but publications aren't by comparison. I'd say it's extremely rare to be scooped, largely because the nature of our field research means people have a pretty good sense of what others are doing. If you know someone else is working on a particular problem in a particular system, you don't pursue that question. It's a waste of resources.

I think this reduces some of the urgency for publishing results. I'm dying to get my paper submitted, but it's not because I'm worried someone else might publish the same thing first. I wonder if this is what allows me to get away with working a reasonable number of hours (for now, at least).

So, for those of you in really competitive fields, do you think you would work fewer hours if you weren't afraid of getting scooped? For those of you who aren't so worried about the distinctiveness of your research, feel free to speculate.

Solo show

I went to the concert alone and survived and even had a good time. I'm so glad that being by myself didn't stop me from going. It did stop me from drinking, however, because I wanted be clear-headed for 1) the bus ride home 2) navigating the crowd -- I almost took several elbows to the head as it was, and it was a very tame crowd and 3) talking to strangers.

In honor of Repeal Day, there was 1920's themed burlesque show instead of an opening band. They passed out feather boas at the door -- to get people in the mood, I guess. There was an MC who sang a number with a ukulele and then told jokes and facts about Repeal Day between dancing acts. Oh the dancing acts. I was really not expecting to see 1920's themed strippers when I went to this show. It was bizarre. But also kind of fun because it was so different.

Anyway, the show was good despite not having a brass section there. A dude standing next to me who was also there alone chatted me up between the strippers and the main act. We got into an interesting conversation about climate change and it was kind of nice to talk to someone instead of standing there like a goober. I saw another guy who I had noticed the last time I saw this band. He just stood there singing all the lyrics to all the songs. superfan!

I'm definitely glad I went but it would have been more fun with a friend. It was a little empowering to not let myself be held back by others. I bet some of you do stuff like this all the time and think I'm silly for making such a big deal about it, but seriously, I'm such a homebody that this was kind of a thing for me.

December slump

My whiny post yesterday was a little bit of foreshadowing. Today I will discuss how I always feel crappy in December.

I have gone to a meeting in each of the past 3 or 4 Decembers. It sucks. There is always so much else going on with the holidays and scrambling to meet year-end goals. And I am never motivated in December. I'm either feeling lousy because it's dark and dreary or distracted because I'm excited about the approaching break/holiday. Every year I vow I won't do it again and then the next year I see myself hitting submit on an abstract for a December meeting. But I didn't this year! I'm blissfully deadline free until February. In any case, since it's so hard for me to set and stay focused on reasonable writing goals even when I'm feeling good, I think it's prudent for me to spend some time in the lab during a time when I know I'm easily distracted.

On top of my normal December yuck, EGM is away for 6 weeks (have I mentioned this yet? I'm one of those people who tells the same stories over and over and sometimes I worry I do it on the blog, too). I dropped him at the airport last weekend and now he's gone and I'm sad. I've never liked living alone. It's hard for me to resist turning into a giant stain when I'm home alone.

I mentioned the other day that I since I want to continue making progress on my new paper, I intend to write for the few first hours of each day and then move on to lab work. I think this is a great plan for my December because it should keep me moving. I think I'd spend a lot of time spacing out in front of my computer if I planned to just write this month. My idea is that if I plan to be at the bench, I'll at least be doing something. Seeing some measurable results will make me feel good about myself and perhaps keep me from slumping more. And it will be great to have something to show for myself when EGM returns.

Trying to channel my grouch

I'm in a pissy mood, that's what I'm in tonight. Things that are irritating me:

• Winter weather has begun. I had to walk on some treacherous footpaths. Some sections were covered with solid sheets of ice. It's only a matter of time until I fall, probably with my giant-ass red packback containing my laptop. This happened once before and I got stuck on the ground like a flipped-over turtle with my stupid backpack.
• Apparently we are still debating the best journal for my paper. I thought we had decided.
• There is a concert I REALLY want to see this weekend but I have no one to go with. Anyone like TMBG?
• EGM is away.
• I need to visit the grocery store but I'm so not interested.
• The t.v. is not working tonight.
• 
  

SO. I'm trying to direct my anger toward production. I'm so agitated right now that I won't do any relaxing for a while, so I might as well polish off some last paper revisions and then bust ass on the new paper. What else can I do? Not watch t.v., that's what.

Finding your bee-people

While we're on the subject of fitting in, did you feel a little like this when you first discovered your science? When you first learned people actually devoted their lives to studying the thing that had long fascinated you but that you may not have even known had a name?




I really like this video and the song happens to be my all time favorite.

Can your stilettos do this?

Last week, something I've always wanted happened to me in the night. It was way hotter than a certain pair of teal sequined pumps and it got me all hot and bothered in the bed. And no, it wasn't Ecogeoman (although he's definitely way hotter than sequined pumps too).

I got an idea while I was sleeping. An idea so sexy that it kept me awake for hours.

I've often been impressed by people's stories of their nocturnal inspiration. Of how they woke up, startled by their own fabulous idea, and positively could not go back to bed until they put fingers to keys and laid that sexy science down. But I'm just a run-of-the-mill scientist making incremental advances to a lab research program that is itself making incremental advances to our sub-sub-subfield. I never though that the science muse would visit me in the night and give me my own STEM version of a wet dream.

I had been mulling over ideas for two different review/synthesis papers. Both are related to my PhD work, but neither one really fit well enough into my thesis topic to warrant inclusion in my dissertation. Plus, I think someone else is working on a meta-analysis on one of the topics so there's no point for me to do it too. Another concern I had been pondering was how to connect two distinct pieces of my dissertation. At the outset, it didn't seem like the two parts would seem disconnected but now I feel like they need to be pulled together with some synthesis in a conclusion chapter. How to deal with all three of these potential writing projects before next summer, when I want to defend?

I woke up all flush on Wednesday night knowing just what to do. I figured out how I can satisfy my desire to review the literature for topic one without doing an all-out meta-analysis -- it will be to make a specific point related to topic two, a point I don't think I could make very well without the review of topic one. By combining them, I don't think I'd overshoot by status as a student in my particular sub-sub-subfield, either. I think it would tie up my dissertation so nicely and be a kick-ass contribution to my science. And, it would only be one paper instead of three.

I know we're all going apeshit for hot shoes lately. But seriously, I don't know of any Naughty Monkeys that can compete with that kind of total science hotness.

scientiae-carnival

Final InaDWriMo

I'm certainly not the winner of the InaDWriMo challenge, but it was good for me nonetheless. I had set aside all of November for writing with the ultimate goal of a complete first draft of a new manuscript. I did produce a draft but it is still very rough. My word meter reports my progress at ~50%. Since I only have one other completed (but not submitted) manuscript, I had a hard time estimating a word goal. I think 8000 was too much. In fact I'd say my word count won't change much but that 50% finished is pretty accurate.

November wasn't a total failure though. I heavily revised a paper I'm working on with Awesome Technician (the ball is currently in her court) and I made lots of progress on the Paper That Will Never Get Submitted. It was that diminishing returns stage of progress though, so it didn't necessarily feel like a lot for the amount of time I spent on it. Anyway, Academic Advisor says he has nothing more to contribute so now I'm waiting for Research Advisor to read it. still.

I had intended to go back to lab work in December but I'd like to push ahead with the paper as well. My goals for the year included finishing the lab work for Chapter 3 and I might be able to do that with some concerted effort. I think I'm going to work on the paper for a few hours each morning and then shift to the lab for the bulk of the day.

Oh yeah...

I almost forgot to tell you -- I got one of the little grants I applied for last month! I feel especially proud because no one read it besides EGM. He provided very useful comments about the presentation, but since both advisors were too busy to look over it at the time, nobody critiqued the science. It makes me feel good that it was my idea and that it was good enough to be funded. Granted, it is only a tiny award in a competition that likely has a very high success rate, but still. Unfortunately, EGM was not so lucky. He took it well though and was happy for me instead of being bummed for himself. What a guy.

The reason I didn't get all excited and post about this sooner was that they put me in a very strange category. This is semi-annual competition by my university graduate college. There is one application for more than one award, so you check the box for the one you're applying for. I got the other one. It is donor money earmarked for a type of research I most certainly do not do. I called the dean's office because I thought it might be a mistake (maybe there is another ecogeofemme who applied?). Nope. I guess there weren't too many fundable applications (or any at all?) that they could justify as meeting the requirements for this award. It seems like a major stretch to give it to me, but whatever. I'll take what I can get!

I'll pick your nits, mate!

With Thanksgiving upon us, I thought I'd talk about one of many things I appreciate about my current lab. You may recall that I do most of my research at the non-university research institution where Research Advisor works. There are hardly any students there full time, so the staff is an assortment of PIs, post docs, and technicians. It has a much more collaborative culture since lab groups aren't comprised of several students who are all responsible for different projects. We are more or less focused on the same goals and since the techs are paid to do the work they are assigned, there aren't the territorial conflicts that can crop up in university labs. One of the benefits of this structure is that everyone is interested in what you're doing.

It can be very isolating to be in a lab where your project is a little different from the principle themes of the group. Or to be in a department where the faculty research interests are diverse so no other labs are doing work similar to your lab. It can limit collaboration and hamper enthusiasm if no one ever wants to talk shop with you because they work in a different shop. Sure, exposure to different ideas can be great, but if the ideas are so different that no one wants to explain them to you, it doesn't do much good to be in a diverse department. And it can really suck if most other people are doing similar work but yours is very different. Then you just feel left out. You suffer a little when there's no one to pick your nits.

I am thankful that I can talk to Awesome Technician about any little issue and she'll both know what I'm talking about and be interested. I like that everyone faces similar practical problems so we can all tackle them together, or at least get decent advice because other people have thought about the problem too. I also like that since we don't operate in separate little domains, we team up when work really needs to get done (e.g. it's pretty easy to assemble a crew for field work). Money is allocated from several different projects, so there is some level of assigning effort to particular grants, but overall we operate as a unit.

There are downsides to anything, however, and this is no exception. For example, I think we are prone to isolation. And we all get along pretty well, but I could imagine that one bad egg could really hinder productivity in a situation like ours. Also, it takes strong leadership to direct people who don't take ownership of their work like grad students do. Scientists aren't trained to be managers. I think professors can get away with poor management skills because their staff -- grad students and post docs, mainly -- really want to accomplish things and meet goals. Technicians, on the other hand, typically don't have that same motivation. That it how it should be, but it changes what the PI needs to do to keep the lab rolling.

In summary, I like my lab because we share common interests. Happy Thanksgiving.

InaDWriMo update and stuff

It has been ages since I last posted. We had a visitor from Far Off Land staying with us last week, which kept us pretty busy. Then this weekend I put off posting because I felt bad about my InaDWriMo progress. I thought I'd write on Saturday, so I decided to wait until Saturday night to post. Then I didn't even open my document on Saturday, so I promised myself I'd work on it on Sunday. You can guess how that went. No writing progress. No posting.

I think this is the exact behavior that frequently inhibits many of us. And I suspect it's the reason a certain person has still not read my paper.

Anyway, the week before last I sent a strongly worded email to my advisors to urge them to comment on my paper (not my InaDWriMo project, but the paper I've been working on all year). So last week Academic Advisor found some time for it. We spent Wednesday afternoon sending pieces of the draft back and forth, picking away at his last criticisms. I continued with those on Thursday and then sent a corrected version with comments in the margins on Thursday night. Friday we met again to discuss these last concerns. Now I have just a few last tweaks before I send it around again. Academic Advisor thinks it's ready to submit, pending one final read-through after a few days. Now it's up to Research Advisor to put it her two cents. Or suggest a dramatic overhaul that will take at least 3 weeks.

I worked on my InaDWriMo project a little bit too. I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere until today, actually. I had bits and pieces of disjointed thoughts scattered through a rough, bullet-point outline. Today I fleshed it out a little and joined the pieces together so that it now sort of resembles a draft. A very rough draft, but a draft nonetheless. Now comes the process of working through the literature I've compiled to find all the best references. There will be lots of revision to the text as that happens.

We're having friends over tomorrow, then going to my home town for Thanksgiving, then on Sunday EGM leaves for a 6-week field trip. Time is flying! I hope the time he's away goes just as fast.

Five Things Meme

Sciencewoman tagged me for this meme. Here we go.

5 Things I was doing 10 years ago

1. Applying to spend a semester studying in a Scandinavian country (and convincing my parents it could be possible)
2. Discovering ecology
3. Wishing I had more female friends (a perennial problem)
4. Wishing I could buy beer
5. Watching Austin Powers at least once a week

5 Things on my to do list today

1. Work on the results section of Chapter 2
2. Outline the intro and discussion sections of Chapter 2
3. Transfer some money around so EGM can take advantage of the currently awesome exchange rate
4. Watch Dancing with the Stars and Boston Legal, two of my favorite shows (if the t.v. actually works)
5. Hang out with EGM

5 snacks I love

1. Ice cream
2. Chocolate malts
3. Cheese
4. Cheesy potato chips
5. pistachios

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire (this means many millions, right?)

1. Fund my lab's research
2. Give to established charities and endow a fund for small research grants for scientists in my field to work in developing countries
3. Set aside money for more frequent trips to Far Off Land
4. Have a big fancy wedding, including flying family and friends from FOL to my home town in the US.
5. Buy a house or condo

5 places I've lived

1. Large Midwest City
2. Medium Midwest City
3. Small Midwest City
4. Scandinavian country for a semester (see above)
5. Far Off Land, briefly

5 jobs I've had

1. One-hour photo technician
2. Restaurant server
3. Lab technician
4. Grad student
5. Unsolicited advice giver

5 people I'd like to share this meme with

1. Kate
2. Liberal Arts Lady
3. Fia
4. Unbalanced Reaction
5. Ambivalent Academic

InaDWriMo update

I have actually made some progress this week! Being accountable to InaDWriMo has helped me get over it and start chipping away at this writing project that seems a little daunting. I spent most of the week working up data. I gave a presentation on this study at a meeting in August, but at that time I had processed the data very quickly and knew there were some things I needed to work out. It's interesting how time can change things, though, because a few issues that I thought were real dilemmas in August strike me as obvious decisions now. I have now decided to handle the data analysis one way, however, I think that could change later when I discuss it with my advisors.

Anyway, by deciding to just deal with the data instead of reworking it over and over, I was able to make some progress. Most of the figures are made. I still need to decide about some tables, but I think what I need will become clear as I finalize the results section. So far I have written out sentences systematically describing most of the results. I need to complete that section and edit it into something readable.

My word meter is at 30% which I think is a little misleading. I've been jotting down paragraphs here and there to record ideas and that's starting to turn into an outline. I think most of that text will be entirely rewritten though.

My goals for next week are to finish the results section including the figures and tables, come up with an outline, and draft a few key paragraphs that I'm positive I will need. I have already gathered the literature I need for each of these paragraphs so it shouldn't be all that hard to write them.

In other writing news, I had to lay down the law in an email to my advisors, one of whom has still not read the paper I've been talking about here all year. The other one promised comments on my latest draft by Monday and scheduled a meeting for Tuesday to discuss it. Great! Now if I could just get the other to do the same, I'd be in business.

Playing the field

I just remarked over at River Tam's place that no one would ever call me mannish. No one would ever think I'd be good at field work, either. I'm petite, just 5'1" (155 cm) with a really slight frame. Field work in my discipline relies on one crucial activity* that is most efficient when the worker has height, mass, and strength on her side. I have none of those qualities, unless you're comparing me to a child.

I hate field work, mostly because I'm just not built for it, or at least not for the key tasks. I almost always need a helper in the field. A few years ago I was engaged in a project that required frequent field efforts that I could not do alone so one of the technicians came with me. He could have done this job on his own but since it was for my PhD, it was my fieldwork and I had to be there, turning a one-person job into a two-person job. It frustrates me that I can't be more self-reliant. I also dislike the one-and-only-chance nature of field work; the conditions today will not be the same as tomorrow or next week, so if you fuck it up, you can never really redo it.

But. Field work takes more than just the brute force tasks. It takes a lot of organization, good judgment, and for some things we do, the ability to stay crouched on the ground for hours on end. I can do those things. So even though I can't do that one crucial task, I can do many of the things that go along with it that are also essential. It's hard to remind myself that I'm useful, even good, in the field without the ability to do the big strong stuff, but I am.

One of the benefits of being in a female-dominated lab is that no one connects my poor aptitude for field work with being a woman. Blame it on being small -- yes, but on being a woman -- no. Research Advisor is a machine in the field, while one of the male PIs is worthless. On the other hand, our one male technician is excellent in the field. Some of the female techs can hold their own, too. It's just not a gender thing.

I'm still last picked for field work that's not for my PhD, but that's partly because everyone knows I hate it and partly because no one is paying me to help with other lab projects (in contrast to the technicians who are paid for that). And who am I kidding, it's still partly because I'm a wimp, but whatever. I'm happy I'm not on the trip to do crappy field work this week, like many of my lab mates are.

*If you're positively dying to know what it is, send me an email.

One year on

Yesterday I noted that it was my blogiversary. I have really enjoyed developing this new hobby over the past year, not to mention getting to know all the wonderful people in this corner of the blogosphere. I was reading and commenting on blogs well before I started my own; my habits have changed dramatically since I started my own blog.

I started my blog shortly after we got internet access at home*. I had been reading a handful of blogs (FSP, Sciencewoman's old blog, Am I a Woman Scientist, Dr. Shellie, Ms.PhD, Jenny F. Scientist, PropterDoc) at work. I'd do like I do with email -- I'd keep a few blogs open and refresh constantly whenever I wanted a break. It was before I knew about services like Sitemeter -- those authors must of thought I was a freak! However, I tried not to read too many blogs since I didn't want to spend my entire day at work fluffing around on the web.

Once I got internet at home, I started following a much greater variety of blogs. I found new ones by moving laterally from my favorites and by checking out blogs of people who commented here. I really appreciate the community of which I've become a part and all the latent mentorship I've received through blogs.

Now I subscribe to many blogs (>90; I'm sure many of you read plenty more than that). I still read a few during work breaks, but only in my feed reader and I almost never take time to comment until I get home. It can be difficult to keep up with them all, especially when I miss a few days. Sometimes I get confused about who said what where. Yet, I'm constantly finding new blogs. I like getting to know new people plus I want to support new bloggers the same way that people so generously supported me by visiting and commenting when I first started (and still do!).

I feel torn about my anonymity, too. Sometimes (like after election day) I want to talk about where I live and other times I'd really like to say more about my work. I'm not too concerned with other bloggers or regular readers knowing who I am, but I don't think I want everyone I know to have access to the thoughts I share here and I certainly don't want this page to come up when someone googles my name. I know, same shit everyone says. On the other hand, I sometimes want to share the treasure of the women-in-science blogosphere with colleagues who I think could really benefit from the community. But I hesitate because I don't necessarily want them to read my blog.

So anyway, that's what I think about blogging right now. How about you? Has the way you use blogs shifted over time?



*Can I tell you how pissed I was when I had put off getting home internet because we were on such a tight budget and I thought it would be really expensive (at least $60) and then it turned out to be $17/month? I waited so long to save $17?!

On co-writing

The other day I mentioned that I am co-writing a paper with Awesome Technician. This is my second experience co-writing a document -- the first was the symposium proposal with Cauliflower -- and I really like it.

By co-writing, I mean that both authors feel responsibility for the work. In my experience, it has meant passing the document back and forth, with each person allowed the freedom to change it as she saw fit. I see co-authoring, in contrast, as a situation where one person is a lead author and does most of the drafting. The co-authors merely make suggestions for edits (however major) but it's ultimately up to the lead author to finalize the document. Of course the co-written papers have had a leader, but they have been much more cooperative than traditional collaborations.

There are several benefits to co-writing. When you get blocked or sick of looking at the project, you can pass it on to the other person. Or, you can sketch out ideas and let the other person develop them into something lovely. The reverse can happen too, where the other person does the hard work of laying out a concept and you have the fulfilling job of expanding it into something more articulate. It's also fun to have someone else really invested in the same project you're obsessing about (narcissism, anyone?).

Certainly, I want to have plenty of my own papers, but I have really enjoyed the more intense collaboration that co-writing offers.

Progress Update #1

Okay, so I know I sorta begged Dr Brazen Hussy for InaDWriMo and now it's already November 9 and I haven't even put a word counter up. Shame on me. I promise I'll get on it. For now, here is a summary of my goals.

I'd like to accomplish two writing tasks this month: 1) a very short paper I'm co-writing with Awesome Technician and 2) the first draft of the manuscript that will be Chapter 3 of my dissertation. AT gave me a very, very rough draft of the manuscript a few weeks ago and I think it will end up much shorter than the original so, although both manuscripts are InaDWriMo goals, I think I will base my word count goal only on the Chapter 3 paper. Let's say 5000 words. I already have a rough draft of the methods section, so I'm going to start my count with that even though it's cheating a little since I wrote it before Nov 1.

My progress this past week was pretty slow. I spent two days in the field helping with other lab projects and Tuesday was pretty much shot with the election hoo-ha. I did work on the short paper the other two days. I pretty much overhauled AT's draft -- reorganizing it, clarifying the logic, and working out some of the arguments. I had been working on a it before Nov 1, but I got it far enough to send it back to AT on Friday. It still needs lots of work, but I'm hopeful that we'll have a finished draft by the end of the month. The co-writing process has been pretty interesting so far, so I think I will write a separate post about that soon.

I did make some small progress toward the Chapter 3 paper as well. I had one last little bit of data to collect and now that's done! It feels fantastic to have every last number in the spreadsheet (I think). I'm really hoping to have a complete draft of this thing by Dec 1, but there is a lot of data crunching and interpretation that need to be done, so I think it will be slow going.

In other news, today is my 1 year blogoversary. I intended to write a post about how much my blog habits have changed since I switched from being a reader/commenter only to writing a blog as well. Perhaps tomorrow.

UPDATE: Um, so I just did a word count for the Chapter 3 paper and it's already more than 1000 words. I think I will up my goal to 8000. kthnxbai.

The trouble with novels

I am ashamed to admit that I am the kind of person who can abandon a novel before I reach the ending. For example, I started Catch-22 at least three times, once getting more than half-way, but never finished it. On the other hand, once I'm engaged, I have to simply give up on whatever else I have going on because I get totally enchanted by a good story.

Today I spent about 7 hours engulfed in The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield, which I acquired at a book exchange at work. I started it a few days ago and today I gave in to the decadence of spending the whole day curled up on the couch, not even showering until I was through. Now I'm still stuck in a fog from the story and my inner monologue has taken on the voice of the narrator, as it usually does when I read fiction.

So much for InaDWriMo progress.

There was an interview with the author at the end of the volume. Apparently she used to be an academic specializing in French literature. I thought this question/answer was particularly interesting given how much time I spend reading blogs about balance:

You were an academic before becoming an author. What promoted the change in careers?

British universities are not very happy places for their staff currently, and I gave up academic life for the same reasons as many other do and would like to do. In particular the erosion of my private reading time made me unhappy -- if I cannot escape for an hour or two every day by reading for pleasure, then small problems seem to grow large, and I begin to feel enormously burdened. After five years in the profession I was plagued by the feeling that by some absurd mistake I was leading someone else's life, and was desperate to find a path back to my own. I had always wanted to be a writer, but was impeded by the belief that to be a writer one had to extraordinary, and I knew I wasn't. By the time I was ready to give up my academic career I had realized that while books are extraordinary, writers themselves are no more or less special than anyone else.

Me-meme

Karina, Sciencegirl, and almost Acmegirl tagged me for this meme.

1.Link to the person who tagged you.
2.Post the rules on your blog.
3.Write six random things about yourself.
4.Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5.Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6.Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

My version will be 6 things I've never done.

I've never...
1. learned to drive a manual transmission car.
2. had a proper job interview. or a formal performance evaluation.
3. been responsible for children overnight.
4. voted for a republican.
5. lived in the same home as my oldest brother for more than ~3 months.
6. met either of my grandmothers.

I'm so behind on blog reading that I have no idea who's left to tag for this so I'm not going to tag anyone. But if you'd like to do it, go for it and you can say I tagged you.

Juiced up!

My new power cord came! I can once again connect to the sweet sweet interwebz. Hopefully the chills and shaking will stop now. :)

More to come.

Barf

I've been away. EGM and I went to my hometown to meet S4's new baby and to see S3 and her family who were visiting from the west coast plus we got to spend a little time with my BFF. EGM got a nasty stomach virus which he graciously passed on to me and my friends (it hasn't turned up in any of the family yet) which really put a damper on things. We both better but still not quite ourselves.

You may or may not be hearing more from me soon. My laptop power cord is on the fritz. fucker.

Impending doom

I put the flannel sheets on the bed. The radiators have kicked on. It's dark when we leave in the morning. There's no turning back: winter is upon us.

More on names

My uncomfortable situation with the person who calls me the wrong name and an interesting post at Accidental Remediation got me thinking more about how our names impact our professional lives.

Short Geologist wrote about how using nicknames (or not) can be a way for some people to show power over others. Since I have a name that can't really be shortened or lengthened in any way, I've never really thought about how nicknames can be used in this way. It has occurred to me that shortening someone's name could be condescending. I never considered, however, that using a long version could be equally disrespectful like it was for Short Geologist. I always try to call people by the names they prefer, but that's more because I don't want to irritate people by using wrong nickname.

I am aware that having especially ethnic sounding names can be a detriment for landing jobs or renting apartments. I imagine that super girly names can serve as similar baggage in professional settings. In fact I have an acquaintance who has described such situations at her work where applicants with funny names have lower odds of getting positions where they have to deal with the public. I think FSP has blogged about this topic as well, but I'm too lazy to scour her archives for the post.

My name is common, but not too common. Even better, it appears in some form or another in many non-Eastern languages so it's manageable for many non-English speakers. I've never really liked how my name sounds, but I now appreciate its practical benefits.

Experiments

I recently listened to a seminar about data that came from experiments. Big deal, you say. It was interesting to me, however, because my research, although basic, is not amenable to small scale, proper experiments. Responses to treatments take a long time emerge and the really interesting work happens at a scale that cannot be easily captured on a lab bench.

Much of the work in my subfield would be better defined as "studies" instead of experiments. Most of the actual experiments are large, long term affairs that attract investigators from far flung institutions who write their own large grants to fund work on some aspect of the experiment. An advantage of this arrangement is that there is very little duplication of effort, which means there is very little scoop risk since everyone knows what everyone else is doing on a particular experiment. The downside is that you can't set up small, independent projects very easily and it's difficult to get much done without outside collaborators.

During that seminar, I was really envious of the students in that professor's lab. It would be so great to set up an actual controlled, replicated experiment in a lab, let it run for several weeks, and then have data. You'd be seeing the fruits of your work all the time! If something didn't work out, you'd be able to try again with so little investment. I think the pace of research would feel so much faster.

I love the work I do and have no desire to change fields. But damn, sometimes the progress seems downright glacial.

Hi! My Name Is _____.

If I have written about this before, I'm sorry. But if I'm posting about this issue a second time, it means you guys didn't give me good enough advice.

The science staff is relatively friendly with the support staff where I work. I recognize everyone on the custodial and maintenance crews in my building and I know most of them by name. Some of them even chat with me (and other scientists) at length from time to time. There is one custodian in particular who always greets me and always says goodbye to me when he leaves for the day, which is great.

But. He calls me the wrong name.

He calls me by the name of another person in our group. It's similar to my name, sure. But it's wrong. At first I wasn't sure if I had heard him right and then I thought maybe he just made an isolated mistake. But then I realized that he just had it wrong. And then it went on for a long time where I never had an opportunity to correct him. Now it's been going on so long that I have no idea how to tell him without one or both of us feeling like a huge ass. Plus, I think by now the people he hangs out with know me by the wrong name too. It's not really a big deal because it's not like I have to interact with this person very much, but I'm sure it will come out sooner or later and it will be super awkward. Suggestions?

In other news, I almost met all of my goals for October 15. I got both little grants submitted and of course I finished the Crummy Tedious samples. The only thing I didn't quite complete was the next draft of my manuscript. I'm close though. I just have to polish the conclusions and write the abstract. I tried all afternoon but it was so hot and stuffy in my office that I just couldn't concentrate. I think I can get it done tomorrow though, so I feel pretty good all in all.

100%

I'm finished! The Crummy Tedious Boring Dirty Samples are done! Go ahead, check the counter.

I left the lab yesterday with just four samples remaining, so I was pretty confident I would finish them today. I didn't have to carpool, so I stopped on my to work this morning and bought two large bags of mini Twix candy bars. I got some semi-unexpected help with the samples today, making it possible for me to finish by 5:00 pm! I went around offering everyone a Twix since most of them had helped me with the samples over the past three years or at the very least, they had listened to me complain about them. I left the rest of the candy in our shared food spot with a note saying "[Name] finished her [samples]!! Everyone gets a Twix!"

Blogging about this work really helped motivate me to finish it these last few months. It's a pity I don't have something else now that would lend well to a new blog progress counter. I do plan to do InaDWriMo, however, if Dr. Brazen Hussy organizes it again.

In competition

Ecogeoman and I are in competition for the same grant. It's one of the ones I wrote about last week -- just a tiny proposal for a small amount of money. It's a university award so it's not super prestigious or anything.

The situation has the potential to be a little awkward or even conflict-inducing. Academic egos bruise so easily; I could imagine one of us feeling humiliated or marginalized if one of us was successful and the other not. So far we've been pretty healthy about it. Last week EGM made really helpful comments on my proposal and today I helped improve his. We promised that we would just be happy if either one of us got funded. We decided we would focus on the success and not take away from the winner's happiness by dwelling on the failure. We also figure we should be happy if some money comes to our household, even if it means one of us gets it at the other's expense. This is all hypothetical, of course, since odds are neither one of us will be successful.

This situation is not a big deal, but it is a taste of things to come. Soon enough we'll be facing a tricky two-body job search where one of us will probably have to give in to the dreams of the other, or one of us will be more successful than the other. That success might be restricted to the job search, or it might characterize our entire careers. I think it's important for us to discuss such possibilities in advance to bolster our relationship in preparation for the uncomfortable situations that we're likely to confront.

Renewed hope

Last weekend I was all bummed because I had lost hope of meeting one of my goals. Not a big deal, but it put a small dent in my motivation. I didn't mention that one of the things prohibiting me from making the goal was a field trip scheduled for next week. Happily, today I learned that the trip has been cancelled!

With that news, I reworked my plans for the next week or so. I have two small grant applications, the latest round of manuscript revisions, and 24 more Crummy Tedious samples to finish before my (arbitrary) deadline of October 15.

With helpful comments from EGM, I think I have just finished the first grant proposal. It's not due until Monday, but I'm going to go ahead and turn it in tomorrow because I really don't want to spend any more time on it. The second one is a shorter version of the first and I have a draft, so I should be able to wrap that up in a half a day (being realistic about the time to do the supporting document crap*). I'll do that tomorrow morning so I can give Research Advisor time to read it if she wants, then I'll turn my attention to the manuscript. I have to revisit some calculations; depending on how onerous they are it might take me as little as half a day or as much as two days to finish the revisions. The Crummy Tedious samples will take 4-6 days, but I think I might be able to get some help from that international student. Although tight, it still might be possible to get it all done in a week.

Sorry to give you such a boring post but this is how I obsess about things sometimes. I'm ecstatic that I might make my goal after all, which is of course my primary source of self worth, just like all scientists, right?

*Mercifully, the supporting crap for these is nothing at all compared to big time grants.

Mutualism

Yesterday we had breakfast with some friends and then I went off to the lab after whining about work. I didn't get there until 12:30 pm.

There is a student from overseas who just arrived for a year-long visit to our lab. She doesn't have a car and is living in sort of an isolated place, so I took her to get groceries and some things from Target. It took an excruciating three hours, as I'm sure it would have taken me if I were to do the same thing in her country. She didn't recognize a lot of the produce, didn't know what items were at a good price, wasn't sure what to get. I think there were some things she wanted but she wasn't sure if the store had them and she wasn't quite sure how to ask me. In the end she got enough to last a week or more and I'm sure it will be easier next time. Situations like this make me awe the many people who work in a foreign country as well as all the scientists who learn English for work, when I most fortunately get to use my native tongue for everything.

Anyway, the student very graciously offered to help me with the Crummy Tedious samples when we finished shopping. A fair mutualism in my view, although I didn't expect her help. It was good though, because even with a few hours of her service I was there till 10:30 pm.

As much as I would like to vege out on this dreary autumn afternoon, I think I will spend some time working on my manuscript or the two little proposals. Maybe if I get them done quickly I can find some time to work on The Samples in the next week.


UPDATE: I didn't end up doing any work today. I got out my memory stick but didn't even plug it in. Work Fail.
Tomorrow is another day.

Unattainable goals

I love setting goals. I really try to make goals that are challenging yet attainable. It sucks to continually set unrealistic goals that you never reach; you always feel like a failure. I think this is a really important skill that takes work to learn.

Shortly after finishing all my summer travel, I thought about what I wanted to accomplish this fall. The Crummy Tedious samples have been hanging over my head since 2005 (I've worked on them in fits and spurts) so I decided I really wanted to finish them. I figured I could get them done by Oct 15, which I set as sort of a tentative goal -- I really wanted some motivation and I knew I could do it as long as nothing much else came up.

Guess what? Other stuff came up. I decided to put together the symposium proposal. I got comments on my manuscript from a colleague that required some thinking and complicated revisions. I decided to apply for two small student research grants that are due in about a week.

I know it's important to do all of these things. I understand that there will always be many balls in the air and that it will get much worse as I advance in my career. I'm not complaining about any of that. The manuscript and grants are important, so I certainly want to get them done. I'm going to the lab today to work on some more Crummy Tedious samples but I probably won't do any more after that until the grant proposals and manuscript are finished. It's just sad to realize that I can't possibly achieve my (self-imposed) goal.

Is this how it is with women in charge?

First of all, I am very pleased to announce that S4 had a baby boy today. He is her third child and the 14th grandchild in my family. Everyone is happy and healthy. Yay!

Now I'd like to share two observations about life in a female-dominated lab. I've said before that the lab I'm in is something like 70% women. Since I've always been part of very woman heavy labs, I don't have personal experience with which to compare them to male dominated labs. Lately I've been trying to imagine what the little differences might be.

Our lab has several rather sensitive personalities. They aren't cry babies or difficult people, they are people who are always concerned with how their words and behaviors might be perceived by others and who carefully interpret the words and actions of others so as to fully understand their complete meaning and intent. I recently had a chance to work with a wider group of scientists from my institution as part of a new collaborative effort. We were literally working all together at a table for a whole day. As we worked, one of the technicians in my lab asked, "what is this thing?" I answered, "it's an X and it does function Y." She said, "I know it does Y but I didn't know Xs looked like this." I said, "oh, okay." No big deal. The entire exchange took less than a minute. Then the tech added, "Sorry to be short with you" and I replied, "You weren't and I hope I didn't sound condescending". The men at the table were mildly aghast. I think they thought we were walking on eggshells with each other but really it was just a normal interaction, at least among people who are used to sensitive types.

Is this representative of how women interact professionally as a result of socialization or is it because of the particular personalities that have shaped our lab culture?

Next observation. I have said before that I hate pooping (although I think butts are hilarious). It is the worst part of my day. If I have to Go while at work, I try to be as discreet as possible, even timing my bathroom visit when there are no other women in there. There is a man who works in my vicinity who goes to the bathroom every day with reading material tucked under his arm, clearly headed off to take a shit. Ewww. There have been other men at my work who regularly announce their #2 events. I have never heard a woman in our lab group do that.

Again, is this an example of how gender socialization drives lab culture or is it just individual quirks (i.e. that I am grossed out by the idea of anyone at all making #2 and it just happens that none of the women ever announce it in my presence)?

Would you eat a ...?

Suppose you are a life/earth scientist on some kind of field expedition. Some calamity occurs that leaves you stranded without food. You are forced to gather and hunt for resources. Let's say that the ecosystem where you are stranded is not very productive, so there are few wild food options in low abundances. You have no indication of when help will come -- you could be rescued tomorrow or maybe not at all. I won't define your group size, i.e. if you are alone or with colleagues.


Would you eat an endangered species to stay alive?

What if it were your study organism?

What if you knew no one would ever find out?

NYR review

I bet you thought I forgot about my New Year's Resolutions. I did not. I just thought reviewing them made for boring blog posts. But it's been a while since I did an update, so here we go.


Project Efficiency

Recap: I was going to stop procrastinating by 1. not fake working 2. setting goals for each next day 3. not blogging at work at all.

Progress: Not bad, but certainly not perfect.
1. I really do try to ask myself if what I'm doing is actually getting me closer to a PhD, or if I'm doing it to avoid what really needs to get done. Keeping this in mind has been remarkably effective at curbing the fake work habit but I could do better.
2. The days when I arrive a work with a to-do list on my desk that I wrote the previous day are definitely the most productive. Unfortunately, I don't make a list for every day. Need to be more consistent.
3. Okay, I confess that I read blogs a little. My rule is to only read blogs in bloglines which means that I can't read or write comments, the big time suck of reading blogs. It also means that while at work, I don't read blogs that don't syndicate the entire post, nor do I move laterally among blogs. So it's restricted to a break time activity rather than a vortex that sucks me in for hours (like it does at home). In addition, I've cut way back at looking at other websites, like MSN and such.

Money

Recap: I was going to save three months' expenses and pay for two overseas trips as well as open an IRA.

Progress: The IRA is humming along, losing money but for the automatic transfers from my savings account each month. The savings was doing great but has been depleted. I only ended up making one big trip, but I had to help EGM with some expenses. So the total is down, but EGM will eventually pay me back. And I still have time, so I might be able to get to the 3 month mark by January.

Health

Recap: I vowed to cook decent meals at least three nights each week and start eating chicken again.

Progress: We eat chicken about 4-6 times per month, which is about what I wanted. I eat some other meat as well, but not too often. We have been cooking pretty regularly but fell off the wagon during busy times this summer. I have clearly gained weight, so I'd like to get a handle on our eating and exercise to reverse that trend.

Work

Recap: 1. submit two papers 2. finish lab work for chapter 2 3. finish lab work for chapter 3 4. get started on or eliminate chapter 4

Progress: 1. Chapter 1 is getting closer to submission form. Research Advisor still hasn't read it, but I did get some good feedback from another colleague. She pointed out some flaws that had me uncomfortable, so I feel like after I deal with them the paper will be really close to ready. It's unlikely that I will get another paper out before the end of the year.
2. done, with the exception of a handful of analyses that will take a few hours.
3. See counter at side bar. After the samples are processed, I'll be delightfully over the hump but I'll still have a bunch more work to do before I have all the data.
4. I dramatically reduced the lab work required for this chapter at my committee meeting, which is a start. I might get started on the lab work before the end of the year, but it will mean trade-offs with other work, like writing chapter 2. Since I think I work best when I divide my time between the office and lab, I'm thinking I might put this lab work off so I don't spend the spring in writing jail. On the other hand, it would feel really good to see this project get rolling.


So that's that. I think I'm still on track to defend in late spring/early summer with some money in the bank and reasonable cholesterol levels. How are your NYRs faring?

Don't steal my food!

My sister (S3) posted the following anecdote on our family blog. She doesn't know I have this blog so I didn't ask her if I could repost the story here; I'm pretty sure she'd say yes. Her son is 2.5 years old.

[Son] had a small, dry booger on his nose. I flicked it away. [Son] asked me, "Was that a booger, Mama?" I said, "yes". He replied in a very disappointed voice, "I wanted to eat that booger."

I guess I'm not feeding him enough!

Too funny!

Submitted!

I submitted the symposium proposal today. I feel like we did our honest best, so I'm happy with the product. It was a little nerve wracking to press send, especially after a gaff wherein I emailed the section chair a word document with the track changes still on (they hadn't been showing on my screen). A breathed a sigh of relief later in the day, though, when Cauliflower sent me a very nice and reassuring email saying everything looked great.

We still have two outstanding speaker invitations but if they both say yes, the final gender tally will be 7 women and 2 men. For the most part, we simply looked for the best person to represent certain topics and it just happened to be mostly women. Towards the end, I started to feel a little bad that we had so many women and tried to think of more men, but 7 to 2 is how it worked out. That might change if we get refusals, of course. A common complaint for women in science is that they don't get invited to give high profile talks because they just don't occur to the old boys. I didn't want to be a hypocrite. Given that it even crossed my mind, I think we were as fair as possible.

If the proposal is accepted, it will be awesome to know our work was fruitful and to have the exposure of producing the session. Fortunately, the negative consequences of a proposal like this are pretty limited -- it's not like our salaries are riding on it or anything. Even if it's not accepted, this has been a great learning experience. I have been amazed at how positive and supportive everyone has been and it was cool to interact with a few new people.

Consistency is my saving grace

At least, that's my perception. I don't like binge working followed by periods of slacking off. A major theme of this blog is that I believe working at a consistent, sustainable pace is best.


Today reinforced this ethic. I worked a whole bunch of hours last week and I had a great, work-free weekend as a reward. Today I had a doctor's appointment (no big deal, just my annual Lady Inspection which they didn't end up doing because it hasn't been quite a year since my last one) so I stayed home. It was impractical for me to drive to my normal workplace, but I could have gone to campus, since my appointment was at the university health center. I rationalized that I never get anything done there ; I'm there so infrequently that I spend the whole time catching up with people and running errands. But I know that the real reason was lurking in the back of my mind: I worked extra hard last week, so I deserve a day to loaf around. To clarify, I would not have just taken a spontaneous day off for this reason, but since half the day was going to be at the doctor anyway...you know the rest.


This is the trouble when I put in extra time. There's a backlash. Like the writing book says, only a fool rewards writing with a break from writing and I think it's the same with all the rest of our work. I'm a tortoise, not a hare.

Communicating to the masses

Alice recently had some press for her impressive NSF Advance grant. She described how awkward she felt being interviewed for a radio story of he achievement. I left a comment on her post describing a much lower profile experience I had with a reporter, but I thought I'd tell more about it here because it opened my eyes to how difficult it is to bridge the gap to lay people (i.e. non-scientists).

I received an award earlier this year and the awarding agency wanted to include a profile of me on their website, as they do for all recipients. Someone from their PR department called me, scheduled an in-person interview, and asked me to respond to a relatively involved questionnaire before the interview to make it more efficient. I spent at least an hour answering the written questions. The next week, we met for the interview. He was a little late and seemed kind of distracted, but very nice. He didn't really ask me too many questions, saying that I had been so thorough on the questionnaire that he didn't need much else. He took a photo of me sitting in a chair, basically a head shot.

The following week, he calledme to say that he needed to follow up on some information, then sent an email with more questions. It was as though he hadn't read my first responses or even looked at the website for the program that had given me the award, a program that is part of his agency! So I spent another hour or so answering more questions and getting him on track. Another week went by, and then I got another request for clarification, this time with really strange stuff in the questions -- he really hadn't understood what I had told him up to that point. So I responded to the latest email, then called him to further explain my answers. More time passed and then I got more requests, this time for an action photo of me in the field or the lab or something. That triggered a whole 'nother mess with a different set of PR people, but in the end one of the technicians took a picture of me at the bench and it was good enough.

About a week later, the reporter sent a draft of the profile asking me to fact-check it. By this point, I decided I would only object to things that were patently incorrect rather than harping on about small misrepresentations of my work. Lo and behold, the piece was pretty good. A final version eventually got posted on the website*.

The point of this post was not to complain about getting press -- I'm very flattered and grateful for both the award and the coverage -- but rather to demonstrate how difficult it can be to express yourself to lay people. The specifics of what I do aren't well known to most people, but I think the main idea and big picture goals certainly are. I had no idea this guy didn't get it after the first conversation, which makes me think that most lay people who I tell about my work don't get it. The most interesting thing was how my family reacted. I shared the profile with them and they all said that the finally understood what I do. I sincerely thought that they already did understand! I had no idea how poorly I had relayed my research, or even the motivation for my research, to my family. It was really a lesson in how differently you have to talk to non-scientists.

I guess this communication is my theme lately. Sorry to harp on this topic.

* Apparently, this was enough to kick up my Google ranking. I have a common name, so it used to take my name plus a keyword to get results for me on the first page. Now you can do it without any keywords and I'm there. neat!