Quality of life

Quite a long time ago, Karina asked her readers to imagine what could improve the quality of their lives.  I don't remember exactly what I said -- I think it was about job opportunities and health insurance or something. Well, I have better health insurance now with my postdoc and it's great. However, I think moving to our new place a year ago had an even greater impact on my quality of life.

• First and foremost, my commute is dramatically reduced compared to what it was.  It used to take me a minimum of 45 min and up to 2.5 hours to get to/from work. Now it's a reliable 30 min. On top of that, the more central location of the new place makes it easier to get out of town on weekends and to get to most of our friends. 

• I used to give EGM a ride most days and we would bicker about it each and every day (I need to go. But I haven't finished my coffee. I'm ready. Let me just put on my shoes. Come on!). Now he walks to work, so that tension is gone. 

• Due to poor security in the lobby at the old place, mail would regularly get lost and packages would get ripped off. Now there's a secure place for packages and we have an outgoing mail drop.  

• We used to hike three flights of outdoor stairs to coin-operated laundry that was often broken (I once fell on icy steps with a full basket of laundry). Now we have laundry in unit, which is just about the best thing evah. 

Our building has a number of other lovely amenities that are pretty damn nice. There are tradeoffs, of course. The most notable being that the new place is much smaller -- a one bedroom -- and we're having EGM's parents for a month in the fall. I have no idea how that's going to go.

Welcome 2011

I love New Year's resolutions (NYRs), but I'm having trouble coming up with good ones this year.  I've had really good success with NYRs in years past, notably the year I paid off a bit of stubborn credit card debt thanks to the motivation from a NYR.  Last year I made a few that I really liked, but I abandoned them almost immediately. This year, rather than setting super-specific rules for my behavior, I need an over-arching theme. 

This year needs to be about getting my shit together.

On paper, 2010 was a really good year for me.  After defending late in 2009, I finished my thesis revisions and deposited in January.  I went on a fantastic cruise vacation with my BFF.  I started my postdoc.  I'm making way more money with better health insurance.  We moved to a great new apartment, which improved my quality of life dramatically (I should write a post about that improvement).  We got engaged.  I had a success with a big responsibility at work.

But I felt kind of off all year.  No, not off.  Just not quite on top of it.  We didn't visit my family frequently enough, which has made me feel kind of out of touch with them and my BFF.  Although some things at work have gone very well, I still haven't collected any new data.  We have a venue for our wedding, but no other plans.  I haven't gotten any more of my thesis papers published since I defended, although I submitted one that got rejected.  Nothing went badly at all, but I feel like I could be doing better.

My work-related goals are twofold.  First, I will publish the rest of my thesis, damn it.  My thesis should generate four papers: One is published; Two is going in a special issue related to a conference and is due January 31; Three has been rejected once and is almost ready to resubmit; and Four might go to another special issue and in that case would probably be due in March.  If Ecogeoman and I want to have any hope of finding decent jobs together, this just absolutely must happen soon.  Second, I need to be a bit more aggressive with my lab work.  I've got some cool things started, but now it's time to make data happen. 

I have a longer list of personal goals. The highest priority is to not let wedding plans fall though the cracks.  I don't want to feel like decisions and preparation for this wedding are a big ball of guilty blah because I waited too long.  I'll probably have to make more trips to my hometown to make arrangements, but that will will also address the issue of not seeing my fam enough.  I'd also like to entertain more.  Our social life, frankly, is pretty good.  However, I think we're kind of passive socializers, so having friends over more often should help me feel more in control of our plans.  And it should go a long way toward another goal: keeping the house in order.  We're messy.  I have to just accept that.  But just a tiny bit of effort could go a long way. 

All of this is about being assertive and proactive.  Time to take responsibility for how I want my life to be and make it happen.  Happy New Year!

A into G

Well, I didn't manage to get my ass into gear with respect to my work yesterday, but I have big plans for personal stuff this weekend.  EGM is away at a meeting and I don't have any social plans this weekend.  So, I'm going to take care of a bunch of stuff that really must get done.  In the style of JaneB, here's a list.

• I'm taking my car in this afternoon (oil change, and something is up with the heat and thus, defrost - yikes).  Tomorrow I'm scheduled to get new tires.  These two appointments should ensure that I actually leave the house rather than sitting around all day "in my afternoon pajamas" as EGM likes to say.
• Christmas shopping.  As usual, I don't have to buy for all that many people, but I need to get it done nevertheless.  
• EGM and I decided to get a Wii instead of buying each other gifts, so that's that.  
• I have a great idea for a funny t-shirt for PI, but that means I have to get something for the tech too.  He's a 22-year-old guy who I don't know very well because he acts rather reserved.  Ideas? 
• Unlike most years, my parents didn't ask for a big gift for which my sibs and I can go in together.  But they shouldn't be too difficult.
• My sibs and I draw names (by couple), so I have to buy for B2 and his wife.  I'm think camping gear or maybe some kind of cool yard game.   Ideas?  They have a pop-up camper, two little kids, and B2 uses a CPAP machine so we're talking stuff for car camping. I should spend $45-75. 

•  Wedding-related shopping.  
• I want my bridesmaids, who range in age from 31 to 48, to wear black (or maybe brown) cocktail dresses and to have wraps in fall colors.  We found a couple of dress options we liked at a wedding dress place so they'll order the dresses from there, but I'm going to get the wraps from a normal store.   I'm sure I'll have better luck finding something I like now rather than in the spring, and the wraps will determine the colors for other decorations and such so I can't put it off too long.  
• Wedding dress.  I think I'm going to buy it online.  I've found a few I like and they are much cheaper than in stores.  Perhaps I'll do some more searching and then put a few options to a vote here?
• Housework!  They still haven't finished all the work to put our apartment back together after the flood.  We haven't been very motivated to clean because we figured workers could be coming in any time and kicking up more dust.  But, I've reached my limit and some cleaning has to happen.
• Groceries.  Although I don't have plans for the weekend, my social agenda for next week is jam packed -  four holiday parties plus book club.  That's a lot of snacks I have to be prepared to bring.

On an unrelated note, this post is too funny.

Flood

Not the They Might Be Giants Flood, but our apartment filled with water flood.

We went out for dinner tonight.  After eating, we contemplated a second beer but decided to go home instead.  Good thing we did!  When we got to our floor of our building, there was all this water in the hallway.  We stood there, dumbfounded, until the elevator doors closed.  When we got our wits back, we entered the hallway to find that a utility closet next to our unit was spewing water into the hallway.  Our neighbors next door were running around trying to figure out what to do.  Our unit was rapidly flooding. 

For some reason, no one could get in touch with anyone who had a key to the utility room responsible for the deluge, so the neighbors called the fire department.  In the meantime, we started sweeping water into the stairwell.  The firemen came pretty quickly, broke into the utility room, and shut off the water.  Then they busted out these huge squeegees and quickly pushed most of the remaining water into the stairs.  We took care of the rest of it with mops.  At the peak, I think we had about 4 in of water in our apartment. 

Fortunately, the bedroom stayed completely dry and it doesn't look like there's any real damage to our furniture.  The wood floors are totally fucked, but that will be the unit owner's responsibility.  We had a large rug that is totally soaked, but it's currently on the very windy balcony so it might dry out fine.  The only real thing of value of ours that might be damaged is EGM's aging laptop, but our renter's insurance should cover that and it was on it's way out anyway.  There are a few other odds and ends that will might try to get replaced via the insurance, but nothing too huge.  Several of our neighbors weren't home tonight, and I don't envy the mess their going to find when they come home to standing water.

I'm just so grateful that it wasn't something that we caused.  I remember ScienceMama's awful experience after her laundry exploded; I think we'll be able to avoid that drama, at least.

Currently watching

Stomp the Yard.  This movie totally satisfies my desire to watch people doing things in unison. I love having cable. 

Stomp the Yard is right up there on my guilty pleasures list with Mean Girls and Stick It (although there isn't much moving in unison in those movies). 

Did I mention I'm super excited for the new cheer leading show on the WB this fall?

Mantra

Most of you have probably read Ambivalent Academic's terrific post for Samia's excellent zomg grad school!!!1 carnival.  My favorite part of the post was her recommendation to have a mantra.  I had a mantra in my pre- and early grad school days, which was "Take care of it!" but it was usually directed at someone else rather than used to motivate myself.  In contrast, I had a motivating mantra for grad school, and now I have a different one for my postdoc.

The grad school mantra was "you're a Good Scientist".  It came up one day with my science best friend (SBF), a colleague from an institution in another state who was visiting to learn a lab technique. We started saying things like, "a Good Scientist would stay and finish this" or "you're such a Good Scientist for learning that statistical analysis", or "I'm a Good Scientist, because I did everything on my list".  That held over after SBF left and helped get me through my thesis writing: "a Good Scientist would write one more paragraph".  Since I very much wanted to be a Good Scientist (and still do!), I would find a way to rustle up some more concentration and write another paragraph. 

Now my mantra is "put on your big girl panties".  I love this one, which I got from my sister-in-law.  It means, "grow up! stop being a whiny baby wearing diapers, put on your big girl panties, and get it done" It means you need to do the things you are capable of doing even if you don't want to do them.  I have to say this to myself a lot these days because I have to do a lot of things that are outside my comfort zone.

Vacay

I'm going on vacation next week!

My parents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and they are having a big party.  Everyone is coming.  It's going to be a full chaotic week of family, family, family.  It will be intense, but I'm really looking forward to it.  I haven't been to visit since New Year's, which is the longest I've ever gone without a trip home.  I'm especially looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephews who live far away and I rarely see.

Extra fun: we're going wedding/bridesmaids' dress shopping!  It's going to be so fun.  We've gone shopping together for each of my sisters' weddings so it's something of a tradition.  Except the family has grown, so this time there will be at least 10 of us.  Can you say cluster fuck?

Bonus: I get to spend the weekend with my BFF.  Maybe we'll go to the pool.  :)

Moving

We're moving on Monday!

A list of things I will miss about our current place, in no particular order:

• Lots of space, including plenty of closet space and beds to accommodate a visiting family of 5
• Beautiful original woodwork
• Tree-lined streets, including big trees right outside the window that make it feel like we live in a treehouse
• Relatively inexpensive rent
• Wonderful neighborhood -- very safe and quiet-ish yet very interesting with lots to do
• Excellent natural light

A list of things I'm super excited about in our new place:

• Shorter commute!!!!!
• Dishwasher!
• Laundry in unit!
• Elevator
• Pool and sundeck
• Pool table room in the building
• Gym, with a view, in the building
• Party room, with a view, in the building
• Garage parking space
• Lots of kitchen counter space
• Decent water pressure
• A toilet that flushes properly
• Bathroom door that latches and locks
• Busy, super-hot neighborhood
• Incredibly convenient access to public transit
• Closer proximity to many of our friends
• Shorter commute!!!

Life has been really out-of-whack for us lately.  I really thrive on a solid daily routine.  I'm hoping that the move, with its resultant shorter commute, will offer a clean slate for getting myself back into a comfortable schedule.  I'm surprisingly stressed about the move itself, but so excited to do it.

I must have pissed off the traffic gods

Life has been sucking a little bit lately, mainly due to traffic.  Long-time readers may recall that I have a nontrivial commute and that traffic in my city frequently blows.  However, if I leave early enough, I can beat the worst of it and stay relatively sane.

Or at least I could.

They started major construction on one of the other highways in my city, which has had a serious impact on many of the other main arteries.  Everything has been all jacked up such that I have to leave well before 7 am to beat the morning jam and if I don't leave work by 2:30 (unreasonably early), I'm stuck there until at least 6:30. 

I don't mind working long days when I've got something going on or it's on my terms -- a deadline, fieldwork, a really compelling project -- but I don't like feeling like I'm trapped at the lab.  This situation has increased my overall anxiety in part because it gives me less time at home for things I enjoy like blogging.

The good news is that we're going to move soon.  It won't solve my commute problem but it should shorten my drive time significantly.  And if it doesn't, I'm going to talk to my supervisor about some sort of flexible schedule, like four long days (thereby driving before the morning rush and after the evening rush and getting three-day weekends) or super early hours, or something.  I brought it up today and he very generously offered to personally facilitate a commute by public transit, but unfortunately that's not a viable option and there's no way I would impact his schedule with my shitty commute.

I really need to figure out what sort of offering will please the traffic gods.

Quiet time

I have taken a few casual personality tests over the years, and every time I come out right on the line between introvert and extrovert.  I think this is very accurate, as I enjoy the company of others but being around too many people or meeting lots of new people really wears me out.

I've met about a dozen new people since I started my new job.  I had actually been introduced to most of these people before, but even still it felt like a lot of effort to interact with them last week.  I had to give a presentation yesterday that I enjoyed, but performing for two hours--even to a friendly audience--wore me out.  To top it off, I'm not settled into my new office yet (necessary furniture isn't all there), so I have been feeling happy but at loose ends.

I had to take care of a critical errand this morning which was going to make me significantly late.  Between that and a major snowstorm, I decided to stay home.  I had a haircut appointment tomorrow evening for which I was going to have to leave a little early, but I was able to reschedule it for this afternoon instead, so now I'll be able to stay late tomorrow to make up some of the lost time today.  I haven't gotten much done today, but I think it will ultimately be a good thing.  I needed a day away from people and my chaotic office so I could recharge a little bit.  I think I'll be in good shape tomorrow to focus on some real work.

Defense Part III: Aftermath

One thing I learned about myself at my defense is that I absolutely cannot do any kind of math on the spot. At all.

There are many regressions in my thesis, and Dr. X was suspicious of some of my r^2 values. He asked, if the r^2 is 0.41, what is the r? Um, um, um, ...0.2? Embarrassing. He also asked me the difference between standard error and standard deviation. This is something I know, of course, and of course I mixed it up in my answer. To top it all off, Research Adviser noticed an error in some calculations she had me add at the last minute. There are two ways to make the calculations, both valid, but she thought that I had made the calculation one way and written that I did it the other way. So she asked me to describe the algebra for solving the equation the way I said I did it. It was like she asked me to give my answer in Russian. So, thinking it would help me, she asked me to solve the equation on the white board. I got all flustered and bumbled through it. I tried to diffuse my humiliation by joking that this was my fifth-grade nightmare. That got a laugh and got them to help me through it.

At several points when I felt things were getting unnecessarily serious, I joked around a little bit or said things that were a a little lighthearted. I'm not sure if that annoyed the committee or relaxed them, but it definitely relaxed me. I figured I've had lots of successful discussions with scientists at meetings or during visits, and I felt like I would do my best if I pretended that this was like any other conversation about my work.

Three hours and 15 minutes after it started, Academic Adviser asked if there were any more questions, and then asked me to leave the room. They deliberated for over 20 min(!) during which time I was in my office around the corner with EGM. According to Research Adviser, the deliberations weren't about whether I passed, but about what kind of revisions I should make. Academic Adviser finally came to get me and after we were back in the room told me that the decision to pass me was unanimous. As he shook my hand, I asked if there were any major revisions. He said there were just minor ones that we would discuss later. The others shook my hand, congratulated me, and then went off to pee. Neither Research Adviser nor I are hugging types, but when I went to shake her hand she said I needed a hug instead. Seriously people, I rarely cry , but I misted over when I hugged her. It was awesome.

After that, we joined my labmates for champagne. Then my two advisers and most of Academic Adviser's lab went to dinner at a decent restaurant nearby, which was a lot of fun.

The following Monday my (non-university) office was covered with mini Twix's and decorated with congratulatory paraphernalia. They even had a surprise pizza lunch for me, complete with brownies baked with Twix bits -- Awesome Technician's best stab at a Twix cake. It was terrific. It reinforced my conviction that I have some really wonderful colleagues and made me feel really special. Research Adviser gave me a copy of a high quality text book that is considered the bible of our field - a gift I highly value.

I met with Academic Adviser the next week to get the list of required revisions. Fortunately, they're pretty minor. Basically, he wanted me to ensure that all the numbers were correct but told me not to spend my time changing the text. Rather, he wants me to focus on preparing my chapters for publication, and to incorporate the committee's comments in the papers, not in the thesis.

Before the defense, I promised myself no regrets. Based on positive feedback from my committee before the defense, I was pretty sure I'd pass. Still, I knew I'd flub some questions or wish I had answered some differently, but I think that's par for the course. You can't beat down a barrage of questions for several hours without missing some. So I decided that as long as I passed without huge conditions, I'd allow myself to be happy with my performance and not beat myself up over any mistakes.

So, between the challenging questions at the defense, the champagne toast, the celebratory dinner, the surprise pizza lunch, and the relatively minor required revisions, I say my defense was pretty climactic. I'm grateful to everyone who had any part in it and I'm so glad it's behind me.

Defense Part II: The interrogation

This post is the second installment of the story of my defense...

Contrary to a new departmental policy that mandated we have annual committee meetings, I only met with my committee once between my candidacy exam and defense. Annual meetings seemed unnecessary since I basically did everything I said I would do in my thesis proposal, which they all approved at my candidacy exam. I called the one non-exam meeting when I wanted to make a major change to one of my chapters, which everyone agreed on after some discussion.

I distributed my thesis to my committee three weeks before my defense. I initially emailed a word file of the thesis, and I offered to provide printed copies as well. Four of them wanted printed copies, which I had spiral bound for $6 each at Kinko's. The binding was such a small thing to do (and what's the alternative, giving them a pile of loose pages?), but apparently was very impressive, as everyone commented on how professional this looked. Per Academic Adviser's advice, I asked each of the committee members if they had any questions about the thesis and offered to meet with them before the defense. Only one person took me up on it, but I think it helped clear out some sort of odd questions that would have derailed the defense a little bit. That was Adviser's intention, in fact, since he says he has seen defenses where one person misunderstood a basic concept and then got really defensive/aggressive during the defense to save face.

On the day of my defense, I wore what for me is dress-up clothes: nice-ish pants, a fitted turtleneck sweater, and low heels. Budget cuts meant that the department no longer provides refreshments for defenses, so I brought some drinks and snacks. I also prepared a 15 min PowerPoint presentation synthesizing the highlights of my thesis* (i.e. not going chapter by chapter).

Once everyone was there, Academic Adviser asked me to leave the room. During that time Academic Adviser apparently reviewed my academic history and they discussed how they would conduct the exam. After about 5-10 min, Academic Adviser invited me back into the room and I started my presentation. I think the point of the presentation is to break the ice and to give the student a chance to start with something she's prepared rather than having to answer a difficult question right off the bat. I felt fine delivering the talk, but later both advisers commented that I sounded nervous.

After that, I sat down (the format of my candidacy exam had been pretty similar in that I started with a short PP presentation, but I didn't find a graceful point to sit down after it, so I regrettably stood for the entire 3 hour interrogation). Academic Adviser announced that they had decided to start by asking general questions and then shift focus to more specific questions. Dr. X started and asked a bunch of questions over a period of about 30 min. Others interjected, especially Research Adviser when she could see that I was being asked something I knew but for whatever reason wasn't understanding the question. They spent about 1 h 45 min going around the table that way once.

The second round involved very specific questions, like "Table IX on page 64 shows values above 10 in column 3, but values below 10 in column 4. Do you think that's ecologically significant?" or "the phrasing of the last sentence in the first paragraph on page 98 is logically flawed" or even some critiques that basically came down to style. At one point, I had to meekly point out that the chapter being scrutinized was published, so did they think I needed to make editorial changes for the dissertation? It was a tad awkward, but they agreed that it probably didn't matter.

The most general question I got was something like, "if I were writing a book about [your topic in a broad sense] and I asked you to write a chapter on [your specialty] what would you include as the most important points?" RA's questions were the most difficult because I thought I knew the sorts of things she would ask, but then when she formulated questions, I got all confused: does she want me to talk about topic X, or is she looking for a discussion of topic Y? There is so much history between us that each question seemed impossibly loaded. Academic Adviser didn't ask any questions at all except as follow-up to questions posed by others. These were mostly to shift the direction of the discussion to something that would help me make a good point, or away from something he didn't want to spend time on.

Tomorrow: stuff I struggled with and the aftermath.

*Defending students used to give a45-min seminar to the whole department then retire to a closed room with the committee for the defense. I guess there were some uncomfortable situations where an unprepared student had their friends and family at the seminar, then performed poorly at the defense but the committee felt pressured into issuing a pass because the family was present, with precipitated a change in policy. Now we have the closed defense and give a public seminar a couple weeks later.

Defense Part I: Forming the committee

I like people's posts about their birth stories because they demystify the labor and delivery process a little bit. In that vein, I thought I'd share my defense story since I think I have some readers who have to live through their own defenses soon enough. It might help them to hear how it went for someone else, although the particulars of any defense are unique to each student. Also, my impression is that a US defense is equivalent to a non-US viva (I'm basing this largely on JaneB's description of a viva in the UK system and EcogeoMan's knowledge of how they do it in Far Off Land), with the primary difference being how the committee of examiners is selected. So I'll start with that.

I established my committee about halfway through my third year, a few months before my candidacy exam. In my program (in most US programs?), the student personally asks each person to serve on her committee. I needed five people, three of whom had to be from the university, and one of whom had to be outside.

At my university (or maybe just in my department), the adviser is always the committee chair. Of course then I would also have Research Adviser on the committee, and while technically she counted as outside the university, she didn't really meet that criterion in spirit. So, I needed two more faculty from my university and I wanted someone truly outside of it, someone who had no personal interest in my project. At the time there weren't many faculty in my department with relevant interests due to recent retirements and sabbaticals, so I asked someone who is rather popular and whose interests only sort of overlapped with mine. He turned me down - in the nicest possible way - by saying that he was really too busy but if I couldn't find anyone else he would do it.

I regrouped, and then asked someone whose interests coincided with mine but only in a rather superficial way. This person has an aggressive personality that can be somewhat toxic in the wrong circumstances, but s/he also comes with a totally different point of view that I knew would force me to look at my work from a new perspective. Although annoying, that trait can actually be quite positive. We'll call this person Dr. X.

I still needed one more in-house faculty, so I asked someone from another department. I'd had a class with this person, and although s/he had a very different specialty from mine, s/he was the closest I could get to a person with any expertise in my field. S/he is also quite friendly with Academic Adviser, so it was a good match personality-wise. We'll call this one Dr. Other Department.

That left me looking for my outside person. The two students in the lab who had prelimed before me had both had relatively famous, out-of-town people serve as their outside committee members, so I felt like that was the standard. Looking back, there were some local people I could have asked but either I didn't know much about them at the time or I thought they weren't a close enough match scientifically; given the poor matches I had with the two other committee members, I really wanted to find someone with relevant expertise. For whatever reason, we (Academic Adviser, Research Adviser, and I) also eliminated potential scientists in a driveable radius. Instead, we settled on someone from way out of state who we respect greatly, does just what we do but different, and had an ongoing collaboration with us. S/he had a student visit our lab for a semester a few years before, and Research Advisor had been on that student's committee and traveled to Far Away State for that student's defense. Thus we felt like my request wasn't too outlandish. Happily, the person agreed and I had a complete committee. Let's call this person Dr. Out-of-state. The logistics were made simpler because s/he had a child who was starting college at a university in my town, so s/he was planning to be in my area around the time I wanted to do my exam anyway. It all seemed to be falling into place. Unfortunately, it turned out that Academic Adviser had travel planned for the dates Dr. Out-of-state was going to be in town, so I ended up having a one-on-one exam with Dr. Out-of-state and then a second exam with the rest of the committee. Luckily, they all agreed I passed without conditions, so the two-phase exam turned out to be fine.

This is getting long already, so I'll give you a play-by-play of my defense tomorrow.

No planning

So most of you agree that I'm nuts for not using Endnote or something like it. I have another confession related to organizational conveniences: I have never, ever consistently used a planner or calendar. I just can't seem to do it.

I remember a scene in college when I asked a friend the date or something and she said, "why don't you check your planner?" and I said "I don't have a planner" and she was all, "what?! I have three! How can you live without a planner?!" Um, I dunno.

I've had planners before, with real intentions of being all organized and what-not. I'd write some things in it, and then never look back at it again. I have a calendar in my office, but pretty much all that gets recorded on it is travel plans, especially Advisor's trips. I seem to have a pretty good sense of time, which I keep in my head in a sort of spatially structured way. Or something. In general, I seem to know when events or deadlines are approaching and how they relate to other events and deadlines. Maybe I'm just not busy enough yet, but I kind of don't think so because other people who are not any busier than me seem totally dependent on some kind of calendar system. However, I think I might come to need one eventually as I get more responsibility. I admit that I've needed to refer to a calendar more often in the last year or two, but that's to anchor my sense of time rather than to record events for later reference.

Interestingly, although I always knew when my homework was due and I rarely miss other deadlines, I'm abysmal at getting birthday cards in the mail in time. Sending cards to each of my 28 family members was my New Year's Resolution this year, and although I sent cards for all but two birthdays (and there are two still to come), I was late on almost all of them.

The psychology of bedtime

Can someone explain to me why I don't want to go to bed at night? Even when I'm nodding off on the couch? And then desperately want to stay in bed longer in the morning?

Seriously, every single morning I get up and say, I'm totally going to bed earlier tonight. And then I stay up late doing all manner of lame-ass bullshit. Lately this game has been holding me hostage on the couch when I really want to go to bed. Is there any more stupid way to be spending my time? Even my down-time could be more satisfying if I did something else. I feel like a kid who will do anything to stall going to bed. Yet I would very much like more sleep.

Anyway, it seems like lots of people have this problem. I've blogged about it before, and know some of you have too. What makes us do it? Why don't we just go to bed already?

RBOiPOD

• I haven't used my green iPod Nano all that much since I bought it a couple of months ago. I really can't handle music while I read or write, and I haven't been in the lab all that much. But it has been very nice when I have been in the lab. Now that the semester has started, I will likely be taking public transportation more often, and I will use it then.
  
• I have used it to motivate me to jog on a few occassions, but I need to be better about that.
  
• I like to use it while walking too, but there is a problem I need to get over. I have an uncontrollable urge to walk in step with the music, owing to marching band indoctrination Seriously, marching band ruined me for walking at my own pace when there is music. So songs that aren't the right tempo are a problem. Since a lot of my favorite songs have a danceable beat, it is a significant problem.
  
• The ear buds are uncomfortable, and they pop out of my ears. EGM finds this baffling, since he always says that I have extra large ear holes. I guess my ear holes are big compared to my head, but still smaller than most people's ear holes?
• I've only bought three songs from iTunes (Just Dance, Sexy Back, and Sufjan Stevens's Chicago). However, I'm nearly finished with lab work (woo-hoo!), so I might do like ScienceWoman and buy some songs to celebrate.
• Most of the music came from cds that I had ripped to my computer at one time or another, so there is all this weird rap and stuff from cds that my ex-boyfriend burned. Unfortunately, the titles for most of the music that came from burned cds didn't come with the songs, so I don't know which songs are which when I do the sync thing. Maybe after I defend, I will take the time to listen to each song and edit the titles. Maybe I will also upload music from more of my cds then too.
  

In which I make friends

I've complained here before about how I seem to have trouble making friends, especially independent of EGM, especially people who aren't from work, especially women. So I jumped at the chance to join a book club a few months ago, despite a somewhat awkward invitation.

I was at the birthday dinner for the female member of our only-friends-who-are-not-scientists couple along with another of her friends. We'll call this other friend Bookworm. I had met Bookworm several times before at other events hosted by this couple. Anyway, Bookworm invited my friend to join her new book club, but my friend declined because she doesn't like to read much. Awkward pause, then Bookworm said, well, um, would you like to come to my book club, Ecogeofemme? My natural inclination would have been to say no because it would be all people I didn't know and I felt like I was getting invited just because she felt rude leaving me out at that point. But, I'm always saying how I want more friends and I've been mildly interested in a book club for a long time. So I said yes.

That was right at the end of last year, so they skipped a couple of months around the holidays, and then I didn't make the next one. Then after all that time, I waffled about going. But I'm so glad I finally put on my big girl panties and went. The group is so great. They are a bunch of really intelligent, interesting women. They have different backgrounds from me, which is so cool. One is almost finished with a Ph.D. in English literature, so she always has great insights, but (thankfully) is never condescending. Several others have theater backgrounds, which adds a lot too. They seem to like my perspective as well. The discussions really add to my appreciation of the books because the others point out and explain allusions that I miss since I read way more science than literature.

Bookworm moved away a couple of months ago, and it was unclear if the group would continue without her leadership. So far, so good. I was a little worried personally, since I didn't know any of the other women before. But they seem to have accepted me as a regular member. I think it would take a long time for me to become actual friends with any of these people, but it's still really wonderful to have a standing engagement once a month where I feel like I belong. It has been a lot of fun so far.

Early starts

Remember how I cut back on carpooling? So I could get more hours in at work? And based on the parameters of my life, how I would consider joining a religion if it included a traffic god?

Well, I started out thinking I would continue to go to work at my normal carpool time, which is 7:00 am, and stay past rush hour instead of leaving before it really heats up like we we do when we carpool. That plan failed. The first few days I tried it, the traffic was uncharacteristically shitty on the way home even when I left work at 7 pm. Blow. After a few days in a row of that, I decided to try a different strategy.

For the past week or more, I've been leaving between 6:10 and 6:40 am and it's going well. I am decidedly a morning person. I'm not a morning person in the sense that I just pop awake and feel great -- waking up to the alarm sucks and I sleep late on weekends -- but I'm more alert, focused, and energetic early in the day. I've found that I can be productive when I'm tired early in the day, but it's all over once I get tired in the evening. So if I get to work by 7 am, I can work >8 hours and still leave before the worst of rush hour starts. Super.

Since I'd rather sleep as late as possible, it takes some effort for me to pull this off. I have to pack my lunch the night before, program the coffee maker, make sure my go-cup is clean, and possibly even lay out my clothes. But if I do all that, it works.

I know lots of you parents and other types of super busy people get up at the crack of dawn every day and it's nothing special. I know I'm not a special snowflake, but I think this is important for me to share because it's a change I've been wanting to make for a while. There are a bunch of things in my life that I think I'd prefer a different way, or things that I feel like I'm putting on hold while I'm in school/living the transient life/underpaid/whatever. This was a relatively easy change to make (but who knows how long I'll keep it up!). Maybe I'll work on some others soon.

I am irresponsible today.

I had a great day yesterday. I completed a review (hate those!), organized my office, and read through the review comments on my manuscript again. I listed everything I need to do, grouped by task (changes to data, information I need to find in the literature, text edits) to break it into manageable chunks that I can assign to daily to do lists. Unfortunately, today didn't go so well.

I spent much of the day chasing information for one review comment that I thought would be simple to address. Not so much. I think it will end up being something that we'll deal with in the rebuttal but without much alteration of the manuscript text, but of course I'll have to consult with Research Advisor, who is away. I couldn't keep myself on task, so even though I didn't carpool today and I could have worked late, I left at normal time and went shopping.

I also spent part of the day buying a plane ticket to Florida! My BFF invited me to spend a long weekend at her uncle's house where we can stay for free. I hesitated. But then I remembered all the times she's asked me to do fun stuff and I said no and then last year when I said yes. Last summer we went to Florida for a week with her parents and it was just great. So I'll be taking two days off in May. But that's what life is meant to be about -- spending time with friends and enjoying some time off after hard work. Two days isn't a big deal. Even after a day off this month for visiting my fam at Easter. Whatevs.

I went shopping because getting the plane ticket made me want new things for the trip (and other stuff). So I spent $88 at TJMaxx on an umbrella, new sandlish shoes, sunglasses, a sunhat, workout pants, athletic socks, and good smelling spray stuff for our sheets. I feel bad about the consumerism. But I WANTED.

And now I'm 30

I just had a lovely time celebrating a big birthday. Last weekend Ecogeomom, S1, S2, and S4, and S4's little baby came to visit. There were only here for about 24 hours but we had a lot of fun. We don't make a big deal about adult birthdays in my family unless they end in zero, so their visit made my 30th really special. Ecogeoman, who typically f's up my birthday, had a thoughtful present (wrapped even!), a book to organize all the loose recipes I have floating around the kitchen, ready in advance and he took me out to dinner on my actual birthday. Awesome Technician made brownies, which she knows are the signature birthday dessert in my family instead of the much-less-delicious birthday cake.

I have many friends who look at 30 as some major milestone. They say it marks the time when one should be married, have a house, finished a Ph.D., whatever. Or it defines adulthood. I have never looked at 30 this way, probably because there are other ways I think those life events should be defined. For example, I considered myself a full adult when I graduated from college because that was the time when my parents stopped contributing to my livelihood; I had to get a job, fund my own life, pay my own debts, and thus they ceased to have a say in my decisions other than offering advice that I could either take or leave. I don't feel like an old maid because I'm not married yet; EGM and I will do that when the time is right for both of us and our families. I don't feel like a failure for not owning a house; I'm quite comfortable renting for the time being given both our personal circumstances and the shitty market.

On the other hand, I feel a little disappointed with myself for still being in grad school. I remember swearing up and down that I would be finished before I was 30. This had less to do with a particular age and more to do with thinking it was ridiculous for grad school to drag on and on. Yet here I am, approaching year 7. To be fair, I've been held up by some things out of my control, like an "act of god" that drove me to shift the focus of my project and probably cost me a year, or the slow manuscript reviewing that held my attention on one aspect of my project for too long. But really, I want to get on with my life. I'm tired of knowing there are still hoops to jump. I want a real salary. And a 401(k). And the peace of mind that comes from knowing that if the shit hit the fan, I could quit without losing everything I've worked toward for the last dozen years.

So 30 is fine. But I really want to graduate.