Writing highs and frustrations

The paper we submitted to the GlamorMag is going out for review!  We're ecstatic.  Everyone cross your fingers for the next six weeks or so.  kthnx.

On the other hand, all the other papers are such a struggle.  And you know, getting feedback, or even a rejection, doesn't bum me out in a defensive way.  I rarely feel like the reviewers are stupid or assholes or whatever and the comments almost always make the paper much stronger.  But frankly, I'm over it.  I'm tired of most of the papers I'm working on.  My reaction to substantive comments is can't it just be done? Can't I just not have to look at this fucker anymore?

I'm making it sound worse than it is, of course.  I'm venting my frustrations because what's a blog for, after all?  In addition to finding out about our paper's progress at the GlamorMag, there has been movement on a couple of other publications this week.  I submitted the meeting report on Monday, and we already heard back that they don't want it as is, but they invited us to try again with a change in focus (requiring major revision).  That's fantastic and the paper will be much more interesting, but can't I just be done with it?  I also tweaked a draft of a manuscript from my thesis work and resent it to the coauthors today, but I'm expecting requests for big annoying changes.  Can't it just be pretty much fine?

I say, it's a hard knock life being a scientist with stuff to publish.

December slump

Last week I posted my ambitious list of goals for the month.  Since I claimed that post was meant to provide accountability, I will now give an update on my progress.

1. Submit a commentary piece based on the meeting we hosted.  It's written, but I'm waiting for feedback from two coauthors.  I expect them to make few comments, so with any luck this will go out early next week.

2. Turn around the manuscript that was rejected over the summer.  Working on it.  I did all the easy changes, but I'm having trouble getting my A into G to tackle the harder ones (e.g. rearranging the discussion).

3. Draft manuscript for special issue paper.  Started today.  I put the text from my thesis chapter into a new document, formatted it to meet the journal requirements, and generally refamiliarized myself with the work.  I also made a first pass over the new data.

4. Work with PI to revise big manuscript.  Done!  He's waiting on feedback from a couple of people but intends to submit (to a GlamorMag) on Monday.  Unfortunately, I think we'll start pretty much straight away on reformatting/revising for a more attainable journal.  Good practice, of course, but I'm so sick of this paper right now!

5. Establish protocol for sample processing.  Part 1 is done.  Part 2 is drafted, and PI and I have discussed it but a few kinks remain.  I think one more (focused) discussion and one practice session ought to take care of it.

6. Finalize protocol for lab experiment.  All I've done so far is gather up all the stuff I had spread in multiple labs and move it to a new lab space I'll be using for this project.  I hereby downgrade my goal for this item to get shit organized and make a plan for developing protocol in January.

I could have done more in the past week, but my predictable December slump is in full swing.  When I feel all blah like this, I'm happy to get anything done at all even if I'm not functioning in high gear. Like, I'll suddenly realize I've been sitting at my desk for an hour just spacing out/making sure the Internet doesn't disappear/looking at colleagues' publishing records/whatever. Thus, although I intended to finished and submit the first manuscript before I started on the second, the edits on the first seemed too hard and I figured I should get something done even if the order of tasks didn't make the best sense.  I know that if I just chip away at things and leave work each day a little further ahead than when I arrived, it will all get done. 

fuck time

Ecogeoman recently got a new laptop.  Remember how our apartment flooded due to a burst hot water pipe?  Well, his laptop was in his backpack on the floor and was ruined.  Fortunately, our renters' insurance covered a new one (plus a few small items that were also damaged).  It came with Windows 7, which EGM is not quite used to yet.  He was bitching about it tonight and I said, "time marches on.  you'll get used to it."  To which he replied, "fuck time".

Today I tried to set up a new instrument that is best operated remotely using a Palm Pilot thing.  It is the least intuitive POS I've encountered in about 5 years.  I messed around with it and the instrument for a couple of hours this evening but got almost nowhere.  I wanted to have the thing ready to use tomorrow morning, but I ran out of time.  Fuck time.

Tired with a side of disappointed

Today I found out that a paper I submitted a few weeks ago has been rejected.  It was the weakest of my thesis chapters, but we aimed low journal-wise so I'm surprised the reviews were as bad as they were and the rejection was as solid as it was.  So far I have only skimmed the review comments and they struck me as comprehensively negative but polite.  Research Advisor thinks they were mostly constructive--some complaints were refutable, some were founded and can help us revise, and some were flaws were knew were there--and that we can reframe the story for another journal.  I'm less disappointed about the rejection itself than I am bummed that it's going to take that much longer to shore up my weak publishing record.

In other news, today I learned a lab technique that is very new to me.  The technician who trained me is just as fantastic as Awesome Technician so it was a pleasant enough experience, and I am thrilled to be learning new skills.  Furthermore, this is the first lab work I've done as a postdoc and it felt great to be away from my desk for a spell.  However, I was awkward and uncertain about the choreography of the protocol and it is always exhausting to learn brand new stuff.  On top of that, by the end of the day I was so frustrated with the scale of everything.  I had to stand on a step stool to do several different tasks, and some critical tools didn't fit in my hands very well which contributed to my lack of coordination.  So irritating. 

To avoid going home and wallowing, I went shopping after work.  On the bright side, I found bargains. I got some low-heeled, moderately dressy shoes that I've been looking for for a while ($13), socks to wear with them ($5 for 6 pairs), jeans ($33 for two pairs), and a big splurge, perfume ($25).  I'm disappointed with the jeans though and bought them because they were on clearance and I was pissed off; I had tried on some cool designer ones at another store and there were comically long, reinforcing my disdain of being a short person in a tall-person world.  Phooey. 

I must have pissed off the traffic gods

Life has been sucking a little bit lately, mainly due to traffic.  Long-time readers may recall that I have a nontrivial commute and that traffic in my city frequently blows.  However, if I leave early enough, I can beat the worst of it and stay relatively sane.

Or at least I could.

They started major construction on one of the other highways in my city, which has had a serious impact on many of the other main arteries.  Everything has been all jacked up such that I have to leave well before 7 am to beat the morning jam and if I don't leave work by 2:30 (unreasonably early), I'm stuck there until at least 6:30. 

I don't mind working long days when I've got something going on or it's on my terms -- a deadline, fieldwork, a really compelling project -- but I don't like feeling like I'm trapped at the lab.  This situation has increased my overall anxiety in part because it gives me less time at home for things I enjoy like blogging.

The good news is that we're going to move soon.  It won't solve my commute problem but it should shorten my drive time significantly.  And if it doesn't, I'm going to talk to my supervisor about some sort of flexible schedule, like four long days (thereby driving before the morning rush and after the evening rush and getting three-day weekends) or super early hours, or something.  I brought it up today and he very generously offered to personally facilitate a commute by public transit, but unfortunately that's not a viable option and there's no way I would impact his schedule with my shitty commute.

I really need to figure out what sort of offering will please the traffic gods.

Countdown relief

So, things have gotten better for me lately, stress-wise. The change happened as soon as I got my defense lined up. This strikes me as a little paradoxical, since you'd think that once the clock was officially ticking, I'd be freaking out about finishing. I think the crux on my anxiety was that grad school was starting to feel interminable.

I had a committee meeting in May 2008, and at that point we all thought I'd finish in about a year. Actually, I thought I might be able to defend in March 2009. When it became clear that wouldn't happen, I thought I could do it in June. Then October. Finally I put my foot down with December.

I had sort of a low point mid-summer. The proximate reason was my frustration with the slow pace of paper revisions. The ultimate reason, however, was that I just could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. It seemed like I should be wrapping up, but there was so much left to do and no one seemed to be thinking I should be nearing completion except me.

I was adamant that my defense had to be done this year. There's not a good reason for that, though, except for the psychological cost of waiting longer -- I've completely missed the graduation deadline for fall semester. I simply could not handle pushing it off any more.

Fortunately, I feel like the tension broke over the last few weeks/months for several reasons: 1) I got my advisors' blessings to schedule the defense in December; 2) my out-of-state committee member agreed to come and scheduled his travel; 3) I finished a draft of the pile-o-shit paper (aka poopsicle); and 4) I have all my data in hand.

Now all I have to do is finish the mother fucker.

Craving legitimacy

I am just dying to be done with grad school, to the point where I'm irrationally reluctant to make contingency plans for next semester. It's been a source of mild conflict with EGM, I think because I couldn't really articulate why I'm being so weird. But I think I've finally figured it out.

Academic Advisor, who never ever lets a student suffer through university-related financial issues, has wisely counseled me to keep all my options open. Thus, I'm trying to sort out exactly how to plan defense-related events to maximize my flexibility. If I defend at the right time, I won't have to register for spring, and I will have met the requirements of a PhD so I can take a job. But, I won't technically be graduated, so I would be able to register and get a TA (or more of my external fellowship if they'll give it to me) if I don't have a job yet, or if I want to hang around until EGM is ready to move in late spring. Makes sense, but is causing my anxiety.

I have been saving money like crazy for the past year or so to pay for a big trip to Far Off Land or to fund a period of unemployment. I am so desperate to be OUT OF GRADUATE SCHOOL that I almost don't even want the option of continuing next semester, even as a cushion. EGM can't understand this -- why would I want to live off savings if I don't have to? He's right - it's totally irrational. But I think it has to do with the desire to feel entitled to my pay and to feel legitimate at my institution.

Earning my income

I feel like I should feel guilty or ashamed for my funding. That other people don't get as much, or that I'm keeping another student from getting funded because I'm taking too long. I know that no one else thinks this, but I feel like they do. That I'm lucky I have anything at all so I should just be happy with it. I understand that many people share this sentiment in this economy, but that doesn't make me feel less this way.

I want to get paid a regular salary with real benefits and a 401(k) and all the rest of it. I want to feel like I earn my money, that I'm getting a paycheck because I did a job I was hired to do. I want to be in the HR system for heaven's sake.

Legitimacy

I had the experience recently of being told that under no circumstances should I make it look like I am employed the institution where I do my research. That stung a little, since I spend nearly every day there and they fund all my work. They don't pay for my time, however, which makes me kind of second-class there, a ghost worker. For instance, I'm not listed on the department's webpage. Thankfully, the people I directly work with dont' have this attitude, but still. It's like this to a lesser extent at the university too, where grad students aren't like real students but also aren't employees.

I'm tired of being caught in the place between a student and an employee. I'm tired of not knowing what to write for "occupation" on surveys. I'm tired of feeling illegitimate, that I don't deserve my (paltry) salary or that I'm not really part of my institution. I'm also sick of having all the responsibilities of being an employee, like training, but not getting the full benefits in return.

Also, I want a BREAK. More on this in another post.

Overbooked

I should be on an airplane right now. Unfortunately, my flight got canceled due to mechanical problems or something. There were absolutely no seats available on flights to my destination, or to the next nearest city. There were no seats on my airline, nor any other airline. There were no seats from the airport I from which I was meant to depart, nor from the next closest airport, nor from any airport within a 4-hour drive. Only the leg of my journey from here to layover city was affected, but there were no seats to layover city in time for the final leg of the flight. There was just no way to get me to Conference City today. At all. Could I BE any more pissed?!

So, my first airline refunded half my fare and I booked a new flight myself on Southwest, which apparently does not have ticket agreements with the other airline. Thus, I had to pay for the ticket, which was $185 more than my original fare. I will get to Conference City around 9 am. Our special session, which I am moderating, starts after lunch. I should make it with enough time, but I will feel rushed and tense instead of (sort of) relaxed and in control. The original plan was to arrive around 3 pm today, go to the hotel, and finalize details for tomorrow with my friend/session co-organizer. We were going to decide exactly what I'd say at the start and end of the session, what she would say after the break, what we hoped to achieve if we got time to meet with the speakers later in the day. She was going to practice her talk for me, since I am more expert in parts of her project than she is (it's new to her, but is my bread and butter). I was also going to have time to iron my clothes for the week, suss out what talks to see, and have dinner with other scientist-friends. Instead, I'll arrive in the morning, rush to the hotel to drop off my bag if I have time, or else go right to the conference center. I have to register, hang my poster (which is also scheduled for tomorrow), attend moderator training, finalize the deets with my friend, eat lunch, and get to the session. It will all be fine, I'm sure, but not how I wanted it to go. Stupid airplane.

Proposition

Remember how I whined about a certain instrument a few months ago? My main complaint was that I use it so infrequently that I don't remember what to do, and each time I go to use the thing the protocol has changed slightly anyway. Well, I need to use it again for another project. Just three more encounters with this thing and I will be done. I'm so not interested in learning how to run this instrument for just these next three times, but I need the data. The culture of the lab dictates that I should run my own damn samples, but since I don't know how, it typically goes like this: I stand there while someone else does everything but explains each step as they go along and I pretend like I'm absorbing it all. I learn a little bit, but not enough to do it on my own the next time, so I always need help. This doesn't seem very efficient to me, as I see no point in using two people's time to do a one-person job.

So, I'm going to propose a trade. There is someone else who is really proficient with the instrument. It's not her job to run other people's samples, but because of some recent shifts in lab personnel, it would probably fall to her to help me. So I'm going to ask her to just run my samples for me and in return I will do something for her. I'll ask her to keep track of how long it takes with my samples, and then I will do something for her for an equal amount of time. Anything she wants, as long as I have the skills to do it. I would much rather spend a few hours doing something for someone else than waste my time watching someone do what should be my job. I think it will appeal to her too, since she'd probably spend almost as much time on my samples if I "do them myself" as if she does them for me, and she'll get a few hours of skilled bonus help. Win-win, right?

I'll let you know how it goes.

ETA: She agreed. I have to help with two partial days of field work. It's possible that I am overcompensating, but I have a feeling she's going to be doing a lot more than her share of lab service for a while, so I don't mind helping her out.

Infrequent

Today I set a goal, and I achieved it! I planned to read and take notes on six boring methods papers and stay until at least 6 pm. I finished the last paper at 5:50. I was totally exhausted at that point but it was okay because the traffic was great! SAVOR IT.

I have one last "experiment" to do for my thesis research. It's small, but it will make the fourth data chapter. Part of the method is my bread-and-butter lab work that I can knock out in a matter of days. That will be followed, however, by something newish. I am sort of familiar with the kind of thing I want to do, as it's an auxiliary technique for us. But, we've already decided that I will do something a little different with this study. Thus, I have to decide on exactly which approach I want to use out of a suite of related methods. I've been reading all sorts of reviews and comparison papers and the emerging theme seems to be, "all the methods suck". Some comparisons suggest that method X is really good but method Y is useless while others say that method Y is better. Then a review will say they are both terrible, but method Z works great . And another one will say that Y is good in situation A but only mediocre in situation B...you get the point. I think it will come down to a gut feeling that will probably turn into a well reasoned argument after some rumination. I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to support whatever decision I make because there is such variety in the literature -- there is support for almost anything I want to say! But right now, I'm frustrated with trying to sort out what to do and bored with all these dry papers.

I met my goal for today, but there is more of the same waiting for me tomorrow. At least I get to look at my garden at lunch time!

Make it happen

Why does something that seems relatively simple on the surface always take so long to do? There is one instrument I occasionally use at the university. Since I don't use it all that often, I need help each time. Even if someone takes me through everything step-by-step, I don't repeat the process enough to commit it all to memory or to learn how to do even basic trouble shooting. Plus, by the time I use the instrument the next time, the protocol has usually changed.

This thing is a complicated piece of equipment, but it's not rocket science. There aren't that many steps to running it. Yet, it always seems to take up the whole f'ing day! I love getting the data, but using this instrument drives me crazy!

Burrrrr!

I read Bean-mom's description of spring in the Midwest, written in her characteristically beautiful prose. She says of April, "... it is an unsettled month here in my region of the Midwest, where the weather careens wildly about, soaring into sunlight and the 70s on one day, plunging into the 30s and frost on the next." Honestly. There was hail tonight when I was driving home. There is supposed to be more fucking snow tomorrow! It's late April, dammit! I could say something nice like Bean-Mom, but really what I'm thinking is more like, "when the fuck can I finally put away my fucking sleeping bag with sleeves winter coat and be free?"

Thank god it's meant to be nearly 80 by Friday.

And now I'm 30

I just had a lovely time celebrating a big birthday. Last weekend Ecogeomom, S1, S2, and S4, and S4's little baby came to visit. There were only here for about 24 hours but we had a lot of fun. We don't make a big deal about adult birthdays in my family unless they end in zero, so their visit made my 30th really special. Ecogeoman, who typically f's up my birthday, had a thoughtful present (wrapped even!), a book to organize all the loose recipes I have floating around the kitchen, ready in advance and he took me out to dinner on my actual birthday. Awesome Technician made brownies, which she knows are the signature birthday dessert in my family instead of the much-less-delicious birthday cake.

I have many friends who look at 30 as some major milestone. They say it marks the time when one should be married, have a house, finished a Ph.D., whatever. Or it defines adulthood. I have never looked at 30 this way, probably because there are other ways I think those life events should be defined. For example, I considered myself a full adult when I graduated from college because that was the time when my parents stopped contributing to my livelihood; I had to get a job, fund my own life, pay my own debts, and thus they ceased to have a say in my decisions other than offering advice that I could either take or leave. I don't feel like an old maid because I'm not married yet; EGM and I will do that when the time is right for both of us and our families. I don't feel like a failure for not owning a house; I'm quite comfortable renting for the time being given both our personal circumstances and the shitty market.

On the other hand, I feel a little disappointed with myself for still being in grad school. I remember swearing up and down that I would be finished before I was 30. This had less to do with a particular age and more to do with thinking it was ridiculous for grad school to drag on and on. Yet here I am, approaching year 7. To be fair, I've been held up by some things out of my control, like an "act of god" that drove me to shift the focus of my project and probably cost me a year, or the slow manuscript reviewing that held my attention on one aspect of my project for too long. But really, I want to get on with my life. I'm tired of knowing there are still hoops to jump. I want a real salary. And a 401(k). And the peace of mind that comes from knowing that if the shit hit the fan, I could quit without losing everything I've worked toward for the last dozen years.

So 30 is fine. But I really want to graduate.

The grass is always greener

Why is it that every task looks better than the one I'm doing? I would almost always prefer to be working on something else. It happens at all scales. For example, when I'm processing a sample, I'll be itching to work on a different part of the same sample. Or I'll wish I to be processing data when I'm at the bench. Or longing to be in the lab when I'm writing. I'm never satisfied.

Currently, I'm torn between two writing projects and I fear it's developing into a log jam. I had been working on my next paper/dissertation chapter. I had gotten kind of stalled by some difficult yet very relevant papers, but I was making good progress of taking notes on them. I was just about to begin working the notes into text when I learned I should drop everything to work on a complicated fellowship application. I spent most of last week reading up on a new subfield so I could put together a proposal. Now I want to work on both. Or not on either of them. Or both.

I'm hoping that writing this post will help be refocus. I need to just decide what I'm going to do today and break it down so I get something done. Not really want I want to do on a Sunday (especially after having worked 27 hours last weekend), but I'm feeling so much anxiety right now that I think only some progress will give me any relief.

Learning to review

Yesterday I said how my work is all log-jammed by an overdue review. I feel bad that I haven't finished it, yet I can't get myself to get it done. I think the reason is that I feel unsure about my comments. Although I'm still green enough to feel sort of honored to be a reviewer, I hate doing it because I'm not sure if I know what I'm doing. Chuck recently wrote a nice post (with some good advice) about how learning to peer review is a major gap in grad student training. I agree.

This is not my first review. Occasionally, Research Advisor will get asked to review a paper that looks straightforward but she doesn't have time to read. If she thinks I can handle the content, she'll suggest me as a reviewer, letting the editor know that I am her student and that she will assist me if needed. So I read the paper and write the review, asking her questions as necessary. I also rely on her vast experience to help me determine how serious any errors are. I know that grad students are notoriously harsh reviewers and I have to admit I don't always have the judgment to decide if the fact that the authors used technique x instead of y is enough to kill the paper*.

This system works, I guess. It gives me an opportunity to cut my teeth on reviewing, a job I'm going to have to learn sooner or later. It's great to have a safety net. I think I'd be paralyzed with nerves if I had to submit the review without confirmation that it was sensible.

On the other hand, I would have really liked a little more training for this. If feels weird to me to write reviews when I have not received any for my own work. Sure, I've seen the reviews from a few of my colleagues' papers, but that's different from reading comments on your own work, which you know much more intimately (I hadn't even read the versions of my colleagues' manuscripts that were reviewed). I think the best scenario would be -- with the editor's blessing -- for RA and I both to review the same paper, with her having responsibility for it. We'd both write comments, discuss them, and then she would submit the review but I would get to read what she wrote. Perhaps we could do it that way a couple of times and then switch roles so that I would submit the final comments. After that, I could do my own reviews with the opportunity to check things with her as needed. I know that creates a lot more work**, but this is such an important part of the way we do science that I think it's worth it to take the time to properly train new students how to do it.

*I know the editor makes the final decision and all, but reviewers are still asked to give an overall judgment of the paper.
** I haven't asked her to do it this way because usually if she passes a review to me, she's totally swamped and I feel bad asking for her time. Plus, by the time it occurred to me to do it this way, I had done enough that I think she probably thinks I'm doing just fine.

Dry spell

Man, I got nothing tonight. It goes along with nothing all day. I've had lots of post ideas floating around, but then when it's time to write them I can't think of anything. It fits with a general pattern of low productivity lately. I've had lots of odds and ends sorts of tasks to do. This kind of work can sometimes make me feel hyper productive because I'm constantly crossing items off the list, but lately it seem like these tasks are taking longer than they should, I'm flitting from one thing to the next, and I'm not getting any of them all the way to completion. It feels like one key thing that is semi-out of my control is missing from each little project.

Then there's the real roadblock: an overdue review. I'm having a serious flare of impostor syndrome that is making this thing take a million years to finish. I got some (editor-approved) guidance from Research Advisor today, so maybe I'll be able to wrap it up soon. I might write more about this topic, but I dunno. Feels a little inappropriate for this blog somehow. More impostor syndrome, perhaps?

Change of plans

I was going to go to work today but it's snowing like mad. It snowed all night and it is supposed to continue all day. I guess I'm staying in. Maybe I'll make it to the lab tomorrow.

An open letter

To the person in my building who keeps taking >45 min showers,

Quit it. It's wasteful and rude. If you don't stop, a nasty note will appear in the lobby and I might even call the landlord. Not that I think she'll be able to do anything about it.

Love and shivers,
Ecogeofemme

Happy New Year?

Today I drove back from my hometown. I had a great visit with my family. I sorely missed EGM, but it was actually kind of nice to have some time with my family by myself. It was easier to make plans without worrying if he would be bored and I could spend more time just playing with the kids, visiting neighbors, and shopping with my mom and teenage nieces.

I LOVE New Year's Eve and resolutions and all that, but tonight I'm think I might miss out on the fun. I'm supposed to go to a party tonight but I have a terrible headache. I rarely get headaches, but this one is bad enough that I might stay home. And not really care that I'm missing NYE. I just ordered a pizza; maybe eating will help.

More reflection and discussion of resolutions tomorrow.

I hope you all have a terrific New Year's Eve!

Diverting stress

Ecogeoman and I talk a lot more about his work than mine. He has a some slightly paranoid notes to his personality and is prone to anxiety. He likes to talk about all aspects of his work: the details of his own research, projects other people are doing that he finds particularly interesting or stupid, interactions with his coworkers, detailed timelines for his projects. I talk about these things too, but not nearly as much. I'm much more likely to focus on the interactions I have with my colleagues rather than describing details of my work (I think it's really boring to explain enough background information for him to appreciate what I'm talking about). Sometimes, I get a little tired of hearing so much about his work. Not sick of it, just sometimes I'd like to explore other topics.

Last night and today I felt super stressed. I had a little tantrum when I saw Awesome Technician first thing this morning in which I vented about my insecurities about my paper. Then later, I had lunch with Research Advisor and went through the same rant, explaining how I feel like a Bad Scientist because I found errors in my spreadsheets and it took me so long to get through her edits, etc. I felt much better after all this, and I thanked her for listening to me be so melodramatic. She reassured me and said it wasn't really all that emotional.

It occurred to me that I've been dwelling on all the little work stresses I've had lately. Some of them are legit and deserve a little mulling over, but most of them are no big whoop. I think having EGM around to go on about his (non-existent?) work crises keeps me from focusing on my own problems. I get to give him advice (one of my all time favorite activities) and he takes my attention away from whatever bullshit might be on my mind. With him away, I find I'm a little prone to inner monologue histrionics.

Who knew that my ability to partition work and home was all because of EGM? And I wonder if it makes him more stressed to talk about it all so much? Somehow I doubt it.

EGM, I need you to come home now. kthnx.