I am just dying to be done with grad school, to the point where I'm irrationally reluctant to make contingency plans for next semester. It's been a source of mild conflict with EGM, I think because I couldn't really articulate why I'm being so weird. But I think I've finally figured it out.
Academic Advisor, who never ever lets a student suffer through university-related financial issues, has wisely counseled me to keep all my options open. Thus, I'm trying to sort out exactly how to plan defense-related events to maximize my flexibility. If I defend at the right time, I won't have to register for spring, and I will have met the requirements of a PhD so I can take a job. But, I won't technically be graduated, so I would be able to register and get a TA (or more of my external fellowship if they'll give it to me) if I don't have a job yet, or if I want to hang around until EGM is ready to move in late spring. Makes sense, but is causing my anxiety.
I have been saving money like crazy for the past year or so to pay for a big trip to Far Off Land or to fund a period of unemployment. I am so desperate to be OUT OF GRADUATE SCHOOL that I almost don't even want the option of continuing next semester, even as a cushion. EGM can't understand this -- why would I want to live off savings if I don't have to? He's right - it's totally irrational. But I think it has to do with the desire to feel entitled to my pay and to feel legitimate at my institution.
Earning my income
I feel like I should feel guilty or ashamed for my funding. That other people don't get as much, or that I'm keeping another student from getting funded because I'm taking too long. I know that no one else thinks this, but I feel like they do. That I'm lucky I have anything at all so I should just be happy with it. I understand that many people share this sentiment in this economy, but that doesn't make me feel less this way.
I want to get paid a regular salary with real benefits and a 401(k) and all the rest of it. I want to feel like I earn my money, that I'm getting a paycheck because I did a job I was hired to do. I want to be in the HR system for heaven's sake.
Legitimacy
I had the experience recently of being told that under no circumstances should I make it look like I am employed the institution where I do my research. That stung a little, since I spend nearly every day there and they fund all my work. They don't pay for my time, however, which makes me kind of second-class there, a ghost worker. For instance, I'm not listed on the department's webpage. Thankfully, the people I directly work with dont' have this attitude, but still. It's like this to a lesser extent at the university too, where grad students aren't like real students but also aren't employees.
I'm tired of being caught in the place between a student and an employee. I'm tired of not knowing what to write for "occupation" on surveys. I'm tired of feeling illegitimate, that I don't deserve my (paltry) salary or that I'm not really part of my institution. I'm also sick of having all the responsibilities of being an employee, like training, but not getting the full benefits in return.
Also, I want a BREAK. More on this in another post.
8 comments:
I can definitely understand wanting to support oneself and be legitimized by "the system." It does seem like a good idea to have fellowship or a TA as a backup plan for the spring semester though (as long as it won't let you push your own deadlines into the spring semester).
How have you found the postdoc/job market to be in your field? I think that would also come into play if I were making a decision like that. If there still aren't many jobs in my field I'd definitely use my university's financial support as long as reasonably possible.
Sorry, it seems unfair that you can't say you are an employee. I'm glad your adviser is being supportive and giving you the option of more funding if you need it, though. As for the break, I totally need one of those too! I wish Thanksgiving could come early....
Ahh, I so understand how you feel, - and once it is over, it will feel like a heavy weight is lifted off you... Even though it is now 6 month after I finished and got a *real* job, I still feel relieved. Good luck!
I'm a bit surprised that you should not appear to be employed by your institute -- what's wrong with that? A (relatively recent) law in Spain requires universities, research centers etc. to employ PhD students after the first 2 years of receiving a fellowship (they come with money for 4 years), specifically to ensure that they get benefits. Thus I'm curious what's bad about being employed here...
Karina, good point. I'm starting to see some job ads that are timed right. I'm hopeful that I'll get one and none of this will matter. But you never know.
Alice, my advisor is awesome about money, in that he'll do whatever he can to make sure your salary is right.
Fia, I can't wait for that feeling!!!
Amelie, I think it's a liability issue or something. The recent incident I described was related to copyright issues. But frankly it seems really odd to me too. Why wouldn't they want to get credit for the work I'm doing?
I totally hear you on this. It's so frustrating and yes, some parts of that frustration are irrational, but many of them stem from just wanting some rights, to be heard, to be something other than the invisible person who can't get real answers about their benefits. Blech.
Ah, yes, the invisible grad student. I just graduated in May with my PhD. Do you plan to do a post-doc? If so, be prepared to be half-invisible--not quite respected despite the PhD after your name. Go figure. I found it best to give myself no option but to graduate... otherwise I felt like I could just be a cog in the machine for eternity. Good luck!
I was just reminded that I am not a real employee yesterday, by being told that I am the only female in the student/postdoc category in our department. It is a lovely category to be in, both in terms of money/benefits and perceived importance. Some day, it will be over!
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