Peer reviewing: then and now

I refereed two papers this week. I think that between the commentary we wrote for our meeting session and the research paper I have in press, I got integrated into the publishers' systems, and associated with certain keywords; neither paper was passed to me by my adviser, rather I was asked to review directly by the subject editors.

In contrast to my earlier experiences as a reviewer, these went really well. Both papers were fairly straight forward and right up my alley, with nothing that I felt was outside my expertise. I think that the growth I attained through writing my dissertation made me feel much more equipped to critically read these papers. Moreover, both papers were really good. The combination of nice manuscripts with my defense-enhanced confidence made doing the reviews something of a pleasure instead of the anxiety-filled example of impostor syndrome that I felt when writing reviews in the past.

That's nice.

Ahhhh

Well, I am happy to report that post-defense life is great. I feel like my shoulders just, like, dropped and released all this tension. I've been half-heartedly working -- enjoying myself but not getting much accomplished. In addition, I've been really on top of all the other life stuff that I've been ignoring, like signing up for temporary health insurance, getting my car emissions test, etc. Just a couple of days left before I go to my home town for BFF's graduation party (master's degree - yay BFF!) and two weeks with the fam. I'm really looking forward to that, since I typically visit Home Town every 2-4 months, but this year has been much, much less. After that is the cruise!

I have lots of post ideas, but no motivation to write them. It's always a little tricky for me to post from my folks' place, but I'd like to get some of these posts out while I'm away. We'll see.

That's Dr. Ecogeofemme

I didn't spend 6.5 years in evil Ph.D. school to be called "Ms" thank you very much!

In other words, I passed!

And it was not anticlimactic at all.

What now?

Ever since I turned in my thesis, I've had a really hard time getting back to work. I finished it on a Friday so I felt like I had earned the following weekend off. Then the next week was Thanksgiving, so I only had Mon and Tues at work, during which I did very little. I rationalized that I should give myself the week to think about things other than my thesis (like post-docs), and then return from Thanksgiving with fresh eyes. But then I didn't really do much last week either. I was distracted by some prep stuff for my probable post-doc, which felt difficult so it took longer than it should have. But now that's done so I have no excuses to get on with the defense prep.

Ecogeoman is annoyed and nervous that I don't seem more nervous. Right now I just don't feel that anxious. I feel like I did my best on my thesis, and there isn't much more I can do now to prepare for my defense. I mean, it should represent the last 6.5 years, not the final 6.5 days, right?

But I really should do something. I have to give a 10-20 min presentation at the start of the (closed) defense that should cover the highlights of my work without going chapter by chapter. I've got a start on that, but I still don't have a clear vision of how I want to structure the talk. Blurgh.

So, today I'm going to read my thesis. While reading, I'm going to make a note of papers that I need to skim to refresh my memory. I'm going to list questions I think I might be asked. And then I'm going to put away my thesis and let myself ruminate on it so tomorrow I can attack the presentation with the big picture in mind. Later, I'm going to read up on the one statistical technique I used that I'm not 100% confident about.

This is exactly how I felt before other major tests, like the SAT in high school and prelims in grad school. I think that I'm probably a lot more stressed than I'm letting myself acknowledge, and that the actual stress level won't be evident until after the defense when it goes away. Next weekend can't come fast enough!

The Endnote thing

So I've mentioned that I don't use Endnote, or any other reference manager. Before you all go apeshit on me, I will say that I recognize that it's the 21st century and that I am missing out on a real convenience by not using reference-managing software. But here's why I don't: I'm lazy.

I keep pdf copies of all my papers in one giant folder. They are labeled by author and year with a few keywords, and despite the fact that this folder now has hundreds of papers, I seem to be able to manage it.

I finally got a copy of Endnote several years into grad school. For a while, I made an effort to build a library with all the papers I had. I was pretty excited about it, but I soon decided it was a pain in the ass to transfer my makeshift pdf system to Endnote. And then I lost interest. And then I got a new-to-me computer that didn't have Endnote. I didn't think to ask for it, and that meant that I couldn't throw my dissertation references into it at the last minute.

Perhaps more importantly, I get a lovely sense of satisfaction from manually building the reference list for each paper. The gradually accruing list is like a progress meter for the paper. Look at how much I've written! Look at how many papers I've read! Look at how thorough I am! Ha-ha!

Admitedly, the big pdf file is starting to get a little out of hand now. I will probably spend some time sorting something out before I get hot and heavy into a post-doc. I downloaded Zotero a few months ago, but I didn't take the time to figure out how to use it. Since it seems I'm not committed to anything, so I'm open to suggestions!

RBOC

So I had a nice weekend laying around, hanging out with friends, and drinking lots of wine. I now give you bullets.

• EGM complained that "the tide was out" when I handed him the tea I made for him. I guess that means it wasn't full enough. Whatev.
  
• One of my thesis chapters is very controversial in my sub-subfield. We're hoping to avoid a steel-cage death match by sending it to our "competitor" to review before we submit it for real. Research Advisor wants to do this before Christmas. Can it please happen that quickly? I reallyreallyreally don't want that paper to linger.
• I think I might have a post-doc to start in early spring. Yay! It's still not for sure yet, so more on this later.
• We're going to visit my family for Thanksgiving. I'm really looking forward to it, as I haven't seen nearly enough of my family this year. Friday I'm going to spend the day watching movies with S2. I always spend the day after Thanksgiving with S2, and some years others come along to make it a very intense, yet fun day. I think this year will be very chill.
• Have you seen that show Modern Family? I haven't seen it every week, but from what I have seen, it's hilarious.
  
• BFF had a death in her family, which makes me sad.
  

Ding-dong the diss. is done!

I emailed it a little while ago, and posted a printed copy to my out-of-state committee member!

My sister sent a wonderful surprise! A gift basket with champagne, chocolates, cheese and crackers, and fancy nuts. And it happened to come while I was home, which is awesome because it turns into a huge clusterfuck when we miss a FedEx package. It totally made my day. Well, that and finishing my motherfucking dissertation!!!

I still have to hand out hard copies (which were f'ing expensive at Kinko's so I only had three done; I will print the rest at work and then pay just to get them bound), but it's getting too late to do that today. I doubt anyone will mind getting that next week, or even after Thanksgiving, and I will still get to say they had the dissertation three weeks in advance. Whatever, I am so relieved.

Now let's hope that they like it!

I'm off to party!

No planning

So most of you agree that I'm nuts for not using Endnote or something like it. I have another confession related to organizational conveniences: I have never, ever consistently used a planner or calendar. I just can't seem to do it.

I remember a scene in college when I asked a friend the date or something and she said, "why don't you check your planner?" and I said "I don't have a planner" and she was all, "what?! I have three! How can you live without a planner?!" Um, I dunno.

I've had planners before, with real intentions of being all organized and what-not. I'd write some things in it, and then never look back at it again. I have a calendar in my office, but pretty much all that gets recorded on it is travel plans, especially Advisor's trips. I seem to have a pretty good sense of time, which I keep in my head in a sort of spatially structured way. Or something. In general, I seem to know when events or deadlines are approaching and how they relate to other events and deadlines. Maybe I'm just not busy enough yet, but I kind of don't think so because other people who are not any busier than me seem totally dependent on some kind of calendar system. However, I think I might come to need one eventually as I get more responsibility. I admit that I've needed to refer to a calendar more often in the last year or two, but that's to anchor my sense of time rather than to record events for later reference.

Interestingly, although I always knew when my homework was due and I rarely miss other deadlines, I'm abysmal at getting birthday cards in the mail in time. Sending cards to each of my 28 family members was my New Year's Resolution this year, and although I sent cards for all but two birthdays (and there are two still to come), I was late on almost all of them.

Final hours

Thanks for all the encouragement, Readers!

I got home around midnight last night. The chapter are all done, but I need to read through to make sure some changes I made last yesterday make sense. TOC is done, but there might be some weird stuff with the page numbers. Lists of Tables,Figures, and Abbreviations are not done, but I doubt my committee will care at this point.

So, today. I printed one copy of the fucker last night, and now I am going to read through it to make sure everything is OK. Then I'll take a stab at the LoT, LoF, LoA, and try to fix the page numbering issue. If any of those things get too hard, I will quit. Then I will take it to kinko's, get it printed and bound, buy some cds* to make electronic copies for everybody, and turn it in.

We're going out tonight. :)

*I thought it would be really nice to give each committee member a usb stick with the diss saved as both a word doc (so they can track changes) and a pdf. The pdf wont' happen because I can't do that on my laptop and I"m not making the drive back to the lab today. I bought enough usbs, but it cost $75, so I think I might take them back and use cds instead.

Down to the wire

So close, so close, so close, so close, so close, so close...

Booked!

BFF and I are actually going on a cruise! It'll be just the two of us, which is just as well because both of our boyfriends like to be up doing stuff, whereas BFF and I can literally sit on the beach for hours reading books side-by-side without speaking. Then get hosed and go out dancing. Also, we'll both have finished grad school just before the trip, whereas EGM will still be all stressy about finishing his diss and not enjoy the trip so much, thereby harshing my mellow, man.

I have never, ever been so excited about a trip, apart from the big trip to Far Off Land we took a few years ago. And I've never felt like I earned a vacation like I do now. I've been daydreaming about how relaxing and fun it's going to be. And I'm totally going to get a massage.

I'm sure I'll feel ill at the energy use and consumerism of this cruise, and I know that most people in the world work much harder than me and never get a break, so I'm very grateful to be able to go on such a vacation.

What's left

Taking a cue from Ambivalent Academic, I will list the remaining work I have to do on my thesis.

• Summary: not started
• TOC: fiddled with Word auto formatting to see if it would work; real version will be last step.
• Chapter 1/Introduction: "finished". Waiting for comments Academic Adviser promised would come today. Will tweak hypotheses (edited from my prelim proposal) as I do the final polishing.
• Chapter 2: "finished". Needs a read-through.
• Chapter 3: Finished and published.
• Chapter 4: "finished". Waiting for comments from Research Adviser that should come by Wednesday.
• Chapter 5: "finished". Waiting for comments Academic Adviser promised would come today.
• Chapter 6/Conclusions: Crappy draft written. Needs editing for style, and review of content to ensure it matches chapters.
  

Also:

• Embed tables and figures into text.
• Place chapters into one big document.
• Consecutively number tables and figures.
  
• Merge literature cited lists for each chapter into one big list; format.
• Format section headings to generate TOC.
• List of figures.
• List of tables.
  
• Vita

Three days to go!

Sweet and sour

My mom sent a card wishing me luck finishing up. In it was a check and instructions to get take-out some night that I work late and don't want to cook. Isn't that sweet?

The power is out in my building today, so I have to work at home. That's a bummer, because working at home never goes as well as working at work. However, RA is expecting an updated draft of one of the chapters tonight or tomorrow morning, so there is some accountability today.

I can't find my passport! It's expired anyway, but it looks like it's easier/faster/cheaper to renew than to get a totally new one. I can't believe it's missing because it has a spot. It's always in that spot. Except now. So I'm going to go tear apart the office in hopes of finding it. And I'm blogging about it because that always seems to help, right? Oh, and the reason I need to deal with this now is that BFF and I decided to take a cruise in January!!!! I'll be cutting it close on the passport, although if I pony up for expedited service I should be okay.

Edited to add: FOUND IT!!!! It was in EGM's passport spot, where I had already looked several times. It was just under something else. Woo-hoo!

They came through

All five chapters have now be read at least once by at least one of my advisors.

I planned to distribute the complete document next week. Research Advisor suggests I ask the other committee members if they plan to read it that far in advance in hopes of getting a little more time to polish. That would be great. Even if I get the extra time, I'm glad I planned to finish it this soon so I can maybe have time to "polish" rather than "frantically finish".

Reminding the Passengers that I'm not a special snowflake

The last two days didn't go so well. I got stuff done, but not as much as I wanted. My normal emotional stability vanished, and I was a bit of a mess. The passengers on my bus were screaming at me, and it really distracted me from my work. They were saying things like your dissertation is going to be a mess; your defense is going to be awful because Difficult Committee Member isn't going to understand this train wreck of a dissertation; you'll be wasting Out-of-State Committee Member's time with your shitty diss.; and so on.

But then today I was venting to Awesome Technician, as usual, and she reminded me that I'm not the first person to feel this way, which of course I know, and that I'm not the first person to have a diss. that's not perfectly polished, which I also know. But somehow her reminder kicked me out of my self-pitying state so I could work again. There's a reason I call her Awesome.

Another helpful thing happened today as well. Academic Advisor had indicated he wanted to review the main introduction to my diss., so I sent him a rough draft of it on Saturday. I ran into him yesterday morning when he was on his way out the door. He he said he had been reading it, had found some issues, and would finish with it and send me comments in the afternoon. Then I never heard anything else. So late this morning I sent him an email saying, basically, that it was shitty to tell me he had problems with my intro but to not tell me what they were. I got comments within an hour. They were super helpful, and really pushed me through the remaining work on that part.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I now have a finished introduction.

Postcard from dissertation jail

Is it unreasonable to expect that each of my chapters will get read by at least one of my advisors before I give the complete dissertation to the rest of the committee?

Also, today I wanted to stab my eyes out with my pen.

On the bright side, my wonderful EGM made chickpea curry for dinner. Can't wait!

Final lap

Okay, I'm starting to spaz. I have a week, maybe a week and a half to finish my diss. I have a lot left to do. That means I'm in dissertation jail this week. Here's the status.

• Introduction: written, in the last 2.5 days. Still pretty rough, but I think everything's in there. Except most of the references. Emailed to Advisors today, because one of them expressed interest in providing guidance/feedback. Any bets on if it will actually get read before I have to distribute the diss to my committee?
  
• Chapter 1: written, needs revision. This is the Poopsicle, which was meant to be Chapter 2 but we decided to put it the first position to deal with the data issues (the conclusion will be: this method sucks, other methods are way better, I used the better methods in the rest of the chapters - see?). Thus, I had to revamp the intro to the chapter, which I did today. I also redid some of the stats, and I still have to incorporate those results in the results and discussion sections. Plus fill in some more references and some general editing for style.
• Chapter 2: totally done. This is the one that is already accepted for publication, so it won't change other than formatting.
  
• Chapter 3: written. First draft went to Advisors in July. One never read it. One gave me really general comments in September. I revised it and sent it back. No reply. I do, however, have comments from a friend to help me polish it.
• Chapter 4: written. Emailed to Advisors on Saturday afternoon. Hopefully at least one of them will at least skim it before I have to distribute the diss. Still need to fill in a few last references.
  
• Conclusions: not started. But this part will be short.
• Formatting: not done. Started last night, then Word crashed and took my formatted chapter with it. Gah! I will have lots of time after my defense to get it just right for the Graduate College, so for now it just has to be formatted well enough for my committee to navigate it.
  
• Abstract, acknowledgments, table of contents, references: not done. Although each chapter has it's own reference list that I will have to fold into one. Did I mention that I'm a jackass who doesn't use reference managing software? I will be doing this manually.
  

On top of that, there is some distracting post-doc drama going on, and I got the proofs for the in-press paper. It's going to be an intense week. I best stop blogging!

Something is better than nothing

Yesterday I stayed home and failed to work, so today I went to my office. I was there for about 6 hours, and I got maybe 2 hours of real work done. It's tempting to feel really shitty about that, but I'm trying to have the mindset that something is better than nothing.

I remember the Dissertation Coach commenting that she has clients who avoid work all week, and then finally get motivated by her impending phone call (she has weekly phone meetings with her clients, who report their progress and then work with her to make a new plan for the next week). So they work for only a few hours in total all week, but still they get more done than they otherwise would without the accountability of the scheduled phone calls. Today when I sensed I was straying too much, I called EGM and we agreed to write for 30 minutes and then call back. It worked. Then we did it again. I still ended up reading a bunch of crap on wikipedia, but at the end of the day I had the introduction to my last chapter fleshed out, made the realization that I needed to report some addition results, calculated said results, and made a table to display them. So I could have done a lot more, but it was better than nothing.

Um, thanks?

EGM and I sometimes discuss how positive feedback can be hard to come by in science. A case in point: EGM's close colleague passed around a manuscript for friendly review before submitting it for publication. The response of the most senior person who read the paper? The manuscript looks fine.

Fine? It looks fine? Not, this will make a nice contribution, or good work? At least we know it's not personal.

Countdown relief

So, things have gotten better for me lately, stress-wise. The change happened as soon as I got my defense lined up. This strikes me as a little paradoxical, since you'd think that once the clock was officially ticking, I'd be freaking out about finishing. I think the crux on my anxiety was that grad school was starting to feel interminable.

I had a committee meeting in May 2008, and at that point we all thought I'd finish in about a year. Actually, I thought I might be able to defend in March 2009. When it became clear that wouldn't happen, I thought I could do it in June. Then October. Finally I put my foot down with December.

I had sort of a low point mid-summer. The proximate reason was my frustration with the slow pace of paper revisions. The ultimate reason, however, was that I just could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. It seemed like I should be wrapping up, but there was so much left to do and no one seemed to be thinking I should be nearing completion except me.

I was adamant that my defense had to be done this year. There's not a good reason for that, though, except for the psychological cost of waiting longer -- I've completely missed the graduation deadline for fall semester. I simply could not handle pushing it off any more.

Fortunately, I feel like the tension broke over the last few weeks/months for several reasons: 1) I got my advisors' blessings to schedule the defense in December; 2) my out-of-state committee member agreed to come and scheduled his travel; 3) I finished a draft of the pile-o-shit paper (aka poopsicle); and 4) I have all my data in hand.

Now all I have to do is finish the mother fucker.

The value of network

I have been resisting the desire to blog about my post-doc search. I think it might be interesting material, but I don't want to do anything that might hurt my chances. Still, I thought I'd post a few of my current thoughts.

I'm not conducting the search I envisioned. I had imagined keeping up with ads on various listservs, then applying for relevant positions. I figured EGM would do the same. In order to reconcile our options and fully explore the potential post-doc landscape, we'd contact interesting PIs ourselves to uncover unadvertised positions. I figured this last bit would help us solve our two-body problem. Instead, EGM is not quite ready for a full-on job hunt, and I'm relying heavily on my network. Thus I'm looking, but not applying as widely as I might because he's not ready to deal with it and it seems like I don't have to. The upshot is that I will probably land something first, and EGM will be in the position to follow (but that's a topic for anther post!).

What I really want to share today is that I'm starting to see how very, very important a good network is. I'm clearly getting the benefit of the doubt because people already know me. Plus, I have good options available without spending lots of time on heaps of cold applications. It's also becoming evident how far some sincere enthusiasm can take you.

I'll close with advice to those a little behind me on the career journey:

• Go to as many meetings as you can, and talk to people, even if it's scary. Make a point to introduce yourself to new people, introduce people you know to one another, and expect your friends to introduce you to their friends and colleagues.
  
• Be professional, every single day. You don't know how the seemingly unrelated PI down the hall might become important to you later.
• Don't discount the importance of the peer component of your network. Your peers can introduce you to people they know, which can expand your network fast. What's more, your peers can be influential to their PIs, who might become your PI one day. For example, it can't hurt if a student comments to her advisor that she saw you give a great talk.
  
• Keep up with how things work in your subfield. Be a little nosy so you can learn how the politics work, who the big players are, and who can make a call that might help you out.
• Be positive about your work so that others will think it's cool too. On that note, be positive about others' work too!
• Go to departmental seminars, and go with a good attitude. You might want to shift focus down the road, and it will help to have some exposure to related fields whose literature you don't regularly read.
  

When I finally get a job, I'll let you know how all this worked out for me. So far the process is scary, nerve-wracking, and exciting all at once. I wish I didn't have worry about this while writing my diss, but I guess that's life, and that's how it is for everyone.

Redemption

He brought a piece of chocolate cake home for me. love.

Sympathy FAIL

I've been complaining to EGM that I haven't felt like myself the past couple of days. Maybe I'm getting sick or something.

It was raining today and I knew the traffic would suck, so I left work a little early to try to beat the worst of it. Rather than having me pick him up on my way, EGM decided to work later and take public home.

My leaving-work-early plan was not effective. EGM called me while I was sitting in a horrible traffic jam. An excerpt:

Him: how are you feeling now?
Me: meh. Not sick, but I'm just so irritable. I'm even grouchy with myself! And I can't figure out why. I mean, I started my period today, but that doesn't usually affect my mood. [actually, my mood is disrupted about 5 days in advance]
Him: oh, well that's probably the reason.
Me: I don't think so. I never have problems the day I start.
Him: well, you are getting older...
Me: What?
Him: well, maybe things are changing as you age...you are getting older.
Me: that's fucking not the fucking reason.

Honestly, he usually knows better!

Today I had one of those days that just flies by. I carpooled, which meant I had to leave work relatively early. When we left it felt like I had just gotten there. I think the main reason is that I was analyzing THE FINAL DATA FOR MY DISSERTATION! Hooray!

Remember that stupid instrument I can't manage to run on my own? Well, the brand-new technician ran my samples for me, on the exceptional (and much-appreciated) order of Advisor. It was suspenseful because this instrument fucks ups on a regular basis, and since the tech is new, she doesn't necessarily have the experience to notice issues before they become problems. Anyway, she sent the last of the data today and everything is fine. Woot!

After a good day at work, we got home early enough to go for a brisk walk. The weather was much better than it has been lately, so it was nice to get some air and some exercise. I dropped off a pile of sweaters at the new, inexpensive green dry cleaners on the way -- a timely errand to get out of the way. Now we have laundry on and EGM is making chicken korma with chicken he started marinating last night. I'm drinking wine, watching Dancing with the Stars, and blogging while he cooks. Nice.

I hope the rest of the week continues to be good.

Geography of my visitors

In response to a comment I left on this post, Cath posted a chart showing the location of her 500 most recent visitors. Here is a similar graph for this blog.





Maybe not surprisingly, Cath gets a lower proportion of US visitors compared to this blog. My last 500 visitors have come from a greater variety of countries though (17 for Cath vs. 21 for me). However, I hypothesize that Cath's lower number of countries is attributable to a (presumably) much higher visit rate. In other words, her last 500 probably come from what, a couple of days (?), whereas at the low posting frequency I've been maintaining lately, it takes almost two weeks for me to get 500 visits. I imagine she gets a much broader audience by virtue of having a bigger audience. Her non-American-ness probably contributes as well, but I bet her awesomeness is the real reason. I think we'd need to sample a longer time span and use visit rate as a covariate to know for sure. :)

Anyway, interesting stuff! I wonder if most English-language science related blogs have a mostly American readership, and if it makes a difference if 1) the author lives in the US or 2) the author is not American. I'm sure I've heard that the overall blogosphere is largely American, but I'd think that would be somewhat less true for science blogs, since science is such an international business.

Time for sprinting

Today on the way to work, we heard the results of some marathon and I thought, "I have absolutely no desire to ever run a marathon." I get the idea of training really hard and consistently for many months, and then having an enormous sense of achievement and personal satisfaction upon finishing the race. Even though I hate running, I can see the appeal. But after doing this stinking phd, I never again need to prove to myself that I can achieve a long-term goal. I know I can cope with delayed gratification. And I know that it kind of sucks.

From now on, I want everything RIGHT NOW!

Well, maybe not everything right now, but I know I never need to run a marathon.

Theme song for job searching

Craving a break

I've heard lots of people exclaim, "I NEED a vacation!", which I always thought sounded a little melodramatic. I love taking vacations, I like breaks from work, but I've never felt like I needed a vacation. Until now.

I'm sick of work, sick of the pressure of finishing, sick of the worry about finding jobs, sick of the looming deadline. All of it. I want a break. But, I want the break to come with the relief of knowing grad school is over. I've been fantasizing about vacations, looking at travel websites when I should be working. My current favorite is a Caribbean cruise in mid-January with either EGM, my real-life BFF, or both. BFF, you in?

My ideal post-defense scenario involves staying a while in my hometown at Christmas break, then lazing my way through January taking said cruise, maybe going to the science blogging conference thing in NC and visiting a friend who lives in that area, and visiting a research institute in another state to give a seminar. Then I'd like to work part time through, say, March. I want to earn enough money to pay my basic bills while having time to polish my diss chapters for journal submission at my leisure. Actually, if I don't have a job lined up before I graduate, I think this scenario is a real possibility, but we'll see.

PhD Mommy made a good point in the comments on my last post -- that not having a contingency funding plan forces you to finish. I think this is another reason I've been reluctant to make arrangements for next semester - I don't want to give myself the option of pushing my finish date back any further. However, today I got news that changed that. I have a committee member in another state who wasn't sure he could make the trip here for my defense. Without his travel plan in place, there was still room to change the date. Now he has decided to come and has paid for a flight, so the date is final. I'm really going to do it this time!

Craving legitimacy

I am just dying to be done with grad school, to the point where I'm irrationally reluctant to make contingency plans for next semester. It's been a source of mild conflict with EGM, I think because I couldn't really articulate why I'm being so weird. But I think I've finally figured it out.

Academic Advisor, who never ever lets a student suffer through university-related financial issues, has wisely counseled me to keep all my options open. Thus, I'm trying to sort out exactly how to plan defense-related events to maximize my flexibility. If I defend at the right time, I won't have to register for spring, and I will have met the requirements of a PhD so I can take a job. But, I won't technically be graduated, so I would be able to register and get a TA (or more of my external fellowship if they'll give it to me) if I don't have a job yet, or if I want to hang around until EGM is ready to move in late spring. Makes sense, but is causing my anxiety.

I have been saving money like crazy for the past year or so to pay for a big trip to Far Off Land or to fund a period of unemployment. I am so desperate to be OUT OF GRADUATE SCHOOL that I almost don't even want the option of continuing next semester, even as a cushion. EGM can't understand this -- why would I want to live off savings if I don't have to? He's right - it's totally irrational. But I think it has to do with the desire to feel entitled to my pay and to feel legitimate at my institution.

Earning my income

I feel like I should feel guilty or ashamed for my funding. That other people don't get as much, or that I'm keeping another student from getting funded because I'm taking too long. I know that no one else thinks this, but I feel like they do. That I'm lucky I have anything at all so I should just be happy with it. I understand that many people share this sentiment in this economy, but that doesn't make me feel less this way.

I want to get paid a regular salary with real benefits and a 401(k) and all the rest of it. I want to feel like I earn my money, that I'm getting a paycheck because I did a job I was hired to do. I want to be in the HR system for heaven's sake.

Legitimacy

I had the experience recently of being told that under no circumstances should I make it look like I am employed the institution where I do my research. That stung a little, since I spend nearly every day there and they fund all my work. They don't pay for my time, however, which makes me kind of second-class there, a ghost worker. For instance, I'm not listed on the department's webpage. Thankfully, the people I directly work with dont' have this attitude, but still. It's like this to a lesser extent at the university too, where grad students aren't like real students but also aren't employees.

I'm tired of being caught in the place between a student and an employee. I'm tired of not knowing what to write for "occupation" on surveys. I'm tired of feeling illegitimate, that I don't deserve my (paltry) salary or that I'm not really part of my institution. I'm also sick of having all the responsibilities of being an employee, like training, but not getting the full benefits in return.

Also, I want a BREAK. More on this in another post.

Interests and hobbies

Community gardening, knitting, hiking, playing party & variety games, hosting & attending dinner parties, book club.

Thanks for the advice, Readers. And don't tell me I'm lame now, 'cause the app is in.

Not so fast

On Monday, I emailed a draft of another diss chapter to Awesome Technician (AT) and my advisors. AT sent me comments on Tuesday, but I didn't look at them right away. Today when I came in, there was a book on my chair with an unsigned note marking a page saying something like "this might be a good reference for [statement X]" (I had some sentences in the discussion that still needed references). I thought the handwriting was Research Advisor's, and I got super excited that she had read my draft already. There was a problem with my email server this morning, so I couldn't sign in right away to see if she had emailed full comments, but the fact that she had left this book indicated that she had read the draft. I wanted to thank her straight away, but she was in a meeting.

I stopped my AT's office a little later to talk about some lab things, and I mentioned how happy I was that Research Advisor had already read my draft and that I couldn't wait to thank her. AT made this odd face and said, "well, I left a book on your chair. Were there two books?" uuuooooooohh. It wasn't my advisor after all. But AT did make a bunch of really helpful comments, so that's good.

I'm glad that Advisor was in that meeting, because I would have felt like a total jackass if I had barged into her office with a big grin, thanking her for her prompt feedback, and put her in the position of saying that she hadn't done it. That would have been awkward.

Culture shock

So I'm applying for this job in Far Off Land. It's not really what I had in mind, especially for my first position out of grad school, and it's very unlikely that my bid for it will be successful. But still, I'm applying, and I would like for my application to not be laughable.

Since I hadn't really planned on applying for anything other than postdocs at this point, I'm not sure how to prepare a good application. On top of that, I'm noticing some cultural differences that are confusing me. Far Off Land is quite similar to the US overall, but minor differences crop up from time to time. EGM and I note them with interest (or sometimes frustration) and then move on. In other words, the subtle cultural differences haven't really had any impact on my behavior, like how I deal with EGM or his family.

But now with this job thing, I'm confronted with some small things that seem totally weird. For example, they suggest writing your interests and hobbies on your cv. That feels uncomfortable to me, since I haven't seen it before. Where do I write that? What sorts of things are cv-worthy? I don't really have a whole heck of a lot of hobbies -- can I put that I really love watching Lost? Or that I spend much of my free time reading anonymous blogs? I'm guessing they expect the applicants to say how much they love back-country camping or rock climbing or something. I mean, I like camping and all but it's not like it's a major hobby. Another example of things that seem strange to my American sensibilities: you can bring your family along if you get an interview, but you have to write in your cover letter if that is something you plan to do. huh?

So, I have no idea what to write in my cover letter, or how best to structure my cv for a job like this as it is. But now I'm even less confident because of the cultural differences at play. EGM has explained some of the issues, but is equally inexperienced and has been in the US long enough that I don't think he can offer a whole lot of help. It probably doesn't matter anyway since I'm not at all competitive for the job, but I'd still like to put my best foot forward on the application. Also, I guess it's a bit of a lesson in how EGM's background is different from mine, even though we overlook it most of the time.

grumble

One more thing related to this post: the ethernet port thingy on my laptop is messed up, so the ethernet cable won’t stay plugged in. This is a problem that has slowly gotten worse, to the point where today I can’t stay connected without mashing the cable in the plug and holding it there. So frustrating! The only time I really use it is when I'm at the university, which just adds to my university-related annoyance (even though this particular issue is clearly not the fault of the university).

Low hanging fruit

Ecogeoman and I took a day off together on Sunday and it was just great. We slept in, then had lunch at our favorite neighborhood Thai place. Then we drove about 45 min out of the city to go apple picking. The weather was gorgeous, and and it was so relaxing to be out in the sunshine picking fruit away from the bustle of the city. Afterward, we went for a short hike in a nearby nature preserve. Then we came home and baked a pie.

After all that loveliness, I stayed up a bit too late trying to finish the latest book club book. This morning I hit the snooze on the alarm for two hours without realizing it. Then EGM got up and I dozed for another 30-45 min. I don't know what the deal was. I felt kind of achy with a headache and very blah. Thankfully, book club was canceled -- I didn't finish the book and I didn't want to be out late.

It was great to enjoy a day off, especially what was probably the last nice day of the year, but I still felt very stressed today. I need to stay on top of my anxiety so I can keep pressing on at the faster work pace without letting myself get overwhelmed. Only 6-8 weeks until I have to hand over my dissertation to my committee.

I've had enough

I'm not sure, but I think I'm on the cusp of a minor burnout episode. And I'm sick and tired of a bunch of work-related things in my life:

• My laptop is totally falling apart. The battery has been shit for quite some time, i.e. only lasting about 20 min before I have to plug in. It's too slow for streaming video. The hinge has been slowly crumbling, and now it doesn't always stay open right. Last night, it flopped shut as I was leaning forward to put it on the coffee table, which resulted in it nailing my lip and making it bleed. When your computer punches you, it's time for a new one. I'm not excited about shelling out for a new computer right now, but I did get this one in 2003, so I guess I should feel too bad about it.
• I'm sick of the disorganization that seems to permeate my university. Can't say much more about that here.
• I have to redo some work because of said disorganization. It's not anyone's fault really, but it still sucks. The work won't take all that long to redo (less than a day) but I thought it was done and now it's not. That's demoralizing.
• The stress associated with the uncertainty of graduating and finding two jobs together is unpleasant.

I've been working way more hours than I normally do, since like, May. Then I kicked it up another notch a few weeks ago. I feel like I should be working all the time since my time to defense is seriously dwindling. But I think I need a break. So tonight I'm going to relax by turning off the computer and watching tv tonight without distraction*. And EGM and I are going to take a full day off this weekend and do something fun together, maybe get out of the city. I think I need it. Actually, we both need it.

* although, there's a conflict. Should I watch the two-hour Grey's Anatomy or cut out early from that to watch The Mentalist? Maybe I'll switch over if Izzie doesn't die. I'm totally sick of Izzie...I just checked the ABC website and it looks like George dies, not Izzie. The Mentalist it is!

The psychology of bedtime

Can someone explain to me why I don't want to go to bed at night? Even when I'm nodding off on the couch? And then desperately want to stay in bed longer in the morning?

Seriously, every single morning I get up and say, I'm totally going to bed earlier tonight. And then I stay up late doing all manner of lame-ass bullshit. Lately this game has been holding me hostage on the couch when I really want to go to bed. Is there any more stupid way to be spending my time? Even my down-time could be more satisfying if I did something else. I feel like a kid who will do anything to stall going to bed. Yet I would very much like more sleep.

Anyway, it seems like lots of people have this problem. I've blogged about it before, and know some of you have too. What makes us do it? Why don't we just go to bed already?

Random bullets of barbecue beef steak stew

• Apparently Ecogeoman has the series of words, "barbecue beef steak stew" stuck in his head, along with "love fish", which we often call each other. I hate getting words stuck in my head. It's worse than having a song on repeat up there.
• Do you think that if I become a famous scientist, they will cast me in Dancing with the Stars?
• I taught myself a new statistical technique last week, but I was using some non-standard software, and I wasn't totally sure I was doing it right/meeting all the assumptions. Today someone who is expert at this technique generously spent a couple of hours teaching me the appropriate program and how to manipulate the data. It confirmed that I pretty much understood what I had learned on my own, and enhanced my understanding dramatically.
• There are two jobs advertised at a university in Far Off Land: one in my field and one in EGM's area. It is stunning that there is a job available for each of us at the same time at the same place, especially in FOL. They are at a level somewhat above our experience, so I think it's a long shot, but we have to apply. I wish applying for my first real job didn't coincide with the hot-and-heavy writing of my diss.
  

Accepted!1!!Eleventy!!11!!!

This morning there was an email waiting for me to tell me that my paper is accepted! You know, the one I've been fretting about here basically since this blog's inception. Yay!

There are a few minor revisions to make, but basically the reviews were, dare I say, glowing. One of the reviewers who read the first version of the manuscript reviewed it again. This person didn't like it at that point because it wasn't novel enough, but now s/he says I addressed all of his/her concerns, so the paper is okay. The other reviewer, who is different from last time, said things like the paper is "well organized" and "very concise" and "illustrate some great evidence [for phenomenon we were trying to measure]". Woot.

Ecogeoman took me out for a very nice dinner tonight to celebrate. Our tradition, which we established long before either of us had anything ready to publish, is that we go out for beers when one of us submits a paper, out to a nice dinner when a paper gets accepted (on the other's dime, of course), and then a smaller dinner like pizza when the paper finally comes out. Tonight we went all out with a bottle of wine and dessert, but this was partially justified by it being our official five-year anniversary tomorrow. :)


You know how sometimes when you are waiting to hear the result of something, you say negative things but deep down you expect a positive outcome? On the contrary, I really expected this paper to get rejected from this journal, but to get accepted elsewhere. Since the 2008 data have been integrated, this journal is one of highest ranked in my field. I'm obviously super pleased with this, but that's in part because I think this is the only piece of my Ph.D. work that is broad enough in scope to be suitable for anything but a specialists' journal.

Honestly, this feels even better than I thought it might. How rare.

I'm totally going to get something done today

Last night we had friends over for dinner and Risk (Ukraine is weak!) . I used basil, green beans, and some spectacular heirloom tomatoes from my garden to make dinner. It was really fulfilling to serve a meal using ingredients I grew.

Today we slept in a bit, then EGM went to work. I'm staying home, but I have a ton of writing work to do. When he left, EGM was all, "so you're going to sit around and read blogs all day?" and I was all, "no" in my most indignant voice. So I guess I better get to work now so I can prove him wrong.

ETA: I totally did nothing today. I let myself rot in that place between work and relaxation. Where you keep saying you need to do some work, so you don't let yourself do anything that's actually fun, but you don't actually do any work. So you spend the day feeling bad. EGM came home early to rescue me -- we went on a walk, and now I've given up on working and I'm trying to enjoy the rest of the evening. I can't afford any more days like this before I defend!

RBOiPOD

• I haven't used my green iPod Nano all that much since I bought it a couple of months ago. I really can't handle music while I read or write, and I haven't been in the lab all that much. But it has been very nice when I have been in the lab. Now that the semester has started, I will likely be taking public transportation more often, and I will use it then.
  
• I have used it to motivate me to jog on a few occassions, but I need to be better about that.
  
• I like to use it while walking too, but there is a problem I need to get over. I have an uncontrollable urge to walk in step with the music, owing to marching band indoctrination Seriously, marching band ruined me for walking at my own pace when there is music. So songs that aren't the right tempo are a problem. Since a lot of my favorite songs have a danceable beat, it is a significant problem.
  
• The ear buds are uncomfortable, and they pop out of my ears. EGM finds this baffling, since he always says that I have extra large ear holes. I guess my ear holes are big compared to my head, but still smaller than most people's ear holes?
• I've only bought three songs from iTunes (Just Dance, Sexy Back, and Sufjan Stevens's Chicago). However, I'm nearly finished with lab work (woo-hoo!), so I might do like ScienceWoman and buy some songs to celebrate.
• Most of the music came from cds that I had ripped to my computer at one time or another, so there is all this weird rap and stuff from cds that my ex-boyfriend burned. Unfortunately, the titles for most of the music that came from burned cds didn't come with the songs, so I don't know which songs are which when I do the sync thing. Maybe after I defend, I will take the time to listen to each song and edit the titles. Maybe I will also upload music from more of my cds then too.
  

Don't give me shit and call it ice cream.

A friend of Eastern European origin once shared this phrase with me, and I love it.

I'm currently trying to turn shit into ice cream in the form of my next chapter/paper. It's the least interesting part of my of my Ph.D. work. The data were collected mainly to provide baseline information for another study, but it took so much effort that I wanted to get something more from it (remember the counter I had going on my sidebar a while back? it's that project). Unfortunately, some of the findings contradict one of the main conclusions from the first chapter/paper, and I think it's because the design of this second study kind of sucks. However, I can't just say that, nor can I present explicitly contradictory data. For one thing, I don't want to completely undermine the ongoing study before I even collect the data from it.

So, what to do? The design has specific weaknesses that are quite common in my field. But honestly, I think that the natural phenomenon I am trying to describe interacts with those weaknesses in a way that enhances them. When others have tried to address the same question, they sometimes find result A, occasionally find result B, and sometimes find no difference between A and B. I think I need to take a look at the experimental design that generated each result to see if there are trends. Perhaps result A is only possible to detect if you have the proper design? Maybe all the studies that find B or no difference use this common, yet crappy design? I suppose that would be sort of interesting.

Just work already

My internet connection drives me crazy. It works just fine until we get a visitor who wants to connect to our wireless network. Almost without fail, the new computer boots my computer off the network. It then takes an hour-long phone call to the router tech support in India to get it to work again. Although incredibly patient, the tech people sometimes don't know how to fix the problem and will just kind of hang up on me. Then I have to call back the next day and, hopefully, get someone who can figure out what to do. None of them seem to be able to fully explain the underlying problem, but it seems to be something to do with interference with assigning IP addresses.

We had a visitor last week from Far Off Land whose laptop stole the internet from my laptop and I only just now got it working again. However, the things the technician had me do this time seemed familiar, so maybe the next time this happens (and I'm sure it will happen again), I'll be able to do more trouble shooting on my own.

Holding my breath

When I submitted my paper earlier this year, my mom said, "I'm sure it will be accepted -- you're so smart!"

Now, I know she was trying to be positive and encourage me, and since she doesn't have any experience with science publishing, it was really the best she could come up with. But I responded, "don't say that, because by that logic if it gets rejected it will mean that I'm not so smart." She said, "oh. yeah. well, I hope it gets accepted."

It's kind of funny when people try so hard to say something really nice and it just comes out all wrong. My poor mom probably felt like there was no winning.

***************

I've already written here that the paper didn't get accepted, but I was invited to submit anew after revisions. The revisions were tricky, and then it took months for my co-authors to sign off on the revised manuscript. It's now under review again and I really hope it gets accepted. If it fails again, there is little hope that I can get it turned around and accepted elsewhere before I graduate. Plus, the journal's impact factor has risen significantly since I submitted the paper the first time such that it is now one of the highest in my field. This is the part of my PhD work with the broadest appeal, so I think it is my only chance for a paper in a high-ish IF journal for the time being. Wish me luck! In a better way than my mom.

One of the reasons I'm ready to not be a student anymore

I doubt I will go through another six-year period without finishing any project. At least I hope not.

The meeting

Thanks for all of your concern about my travel drama. I made it to the meeting the next day with a couple of hours to spare. My luggage didn't make it on my flight, but they delivered it to my hotel before I wanted to go to bed, so no harm done. That day was about as stressful as I imagined, but I got through it with no major bumps.

Our special session went much better than my travel. The speakers all basically talked about what we wanted them to cover, and we mostly stayed on time. I had the unenviable job of moderating, including cutting off famous scientists when they went on too long. I hated doing this, and won't volunteer to do it again if I can avoid it. On the other hand, we got some good feedback about the session. We have even been invited to write a couple of summary/commentary type reports for publication, which is very exciting. The due dates are really soon, and neither of us really have time for another writing project, but I think it will be quite worth it.

My poster didn't get too much traffic, but I felt fine about that. It was directly after the session and I was too worn out from the travel anxiety and stress of running the session to be interested in answering questions. What's more, it was based on the least interesting chapter of my diss. So whatev.

The social aspects of the meeting weren't as good as they have been in past years, partly due to the geography of the location, I think. Still, I got to see some old science friends, meet a few new ones, witness an ass-shaking contest (abhorrent), and I got a couple of post doc leads. We'll see what comes of those.

In all, it was a successful meeting for me. I'm glad it's over, as I always feel when I return from travel. The weeks leading up to a trip are filled with conversations ending with, "after I get back from the meeting, I'll do x". It's nice that things should settle down now so we can all get some meaty work done.

Overbooked

I should be on an airplane right now. Unfortunately, my flight got canceled due to mechanical problems or something. There were absolutely no seats available on flights to my destination, or to the next nearest city. There were no seats on my airline, nor any other airline. There were no seats from the airport I from which I was meant to depart, nor from the next closest airport, nor from any airport within a 4-hour drive. Only the leg of my journey from here to layover city was affected, but there were no seats to layover city in time for the final leg of the flight. There was just no way to get me to Conference City today. At all. Could I BE any more pissed?!

So, my first airline refunded half my fare and I booked a new flight myself on Southwest, which apparently does not have ticket agreements with the other airline. Thus, I had to pay for the ticket, which was $185 more than my original fare. I will get to Conference City around 9 am. Our special session, which I am moderating, starts after lunch. I should make it with enough time, but I will feel rushed and tense instead of (sort of) relaxed and in control. The original plan was to arrive around 3 pm today, go to the hotel, and finalize details for tomorrow with my friend/session co-organizer. We were going to decide exactly what I'd say at the start and end of the session, what she would say after the break, what we hoped to achieve if we got time to meet with the speakers later in the day. She was going to practice her talk for me, since I am more expert in parts of her project than she is (it's new to her, but is my bread and butter). I was also going to have time to iron my clothes for the week, suss out what talks to see, and have dinner with other scientist-friends. Instead, I'll arrive in the morning, rush to the hotel to drop off my bag if I have time, or else go right to the conference center. I have to register, hang my poster (which is also scheduled for tomorrow), attend moderator training, finalize the deets with my friend, eat lunch, and get to the session. It will all be fine, I'm sure, but not how I wanted it to go. Stupid airplane.

Working

Things have been going really well the past several days, but it feels like work is a series of ups and downs. I got some feedback on that interminable paper which, although constructive, really challenged me psychologically. I tackled the comments, but it was difficult and I felt like I was working in slow motion.

Then last week someone at my work organized a writing group for grad students. He suggested that we make a time line coupled with weekly work plans with tasks assigned to each day. We buddied up, and then created these work plans in Google docs, which we share with our buddy.

This system has been amazing so far. I have been getting so much done, even on the weekend when I typically only fake work. I know what I need to do each day, so I don't spend any time deciding what I feel like doing next. It also helps to have something to aim for each day. Perhaps most valuable, it gives me a way to gauge my progress, which I find extremely difficult with writing. The tasks are supposed to be broken down into chunks that should take no more than a couple of hours, although many of mine have been larger than that. Still, it has made what used to feel like an overwhelming volume of work seem manageable.

I have had good results in the past by making weekly plans, especially when I share them with a buddy for accountability. But this is the first time I have taken the effort to actually plan the work day-by-day, and I think it has made a difference. I haven't been doing it all that long, and I'm preparing for a conference next week which always ups my motivation, so we'll see if I keep up the momentum long-term. I might be blogging about this prematurely.

I thought you might like to see an example of what I mean, so here is my work plan for this week. Items in gray are complete. I'm not sure I can get through all the Chapter 2 writing I scheduled, but I figure it's good to aim a little high. I left some play in the schedule for Friday in case some of the writing spills over or if there are problems with poster printing.

Tasks to complete by July 31:

• Finish and print poster
• Finish Chapter 1 paper revisions
• Discuss revisions with RA
  
• Finish new cover letter for paper revisions
• Email revised paper and cover letter to coauthors
  
• Set up work space for new lab protocol
  
• Do trial protocol on practice samples if reagent arrives and I have permission from safety committee
• Draft Results and Discussion of Chapter 2 paper. Organize remaining tasks.
• Plan meeting session intro/moderation
  

July 27

• Set up work space for new lab protocol
  
• Finish paper revisions; list items to discuss with RA
  
• Email graphics people about poster printing
  

July 28

• Revise poster; email to coauthors
• Polish figures for Chapter 2 paper. Embed in paper.
• Draft Chapter 2 results
  

July 29

• Discuss revisions with RA. Get cover letter comments from RA.
• Draft bloogle section of Chapter 2 discussion
• Start trial samples for new protocol
  

July 30

• Complete Chapter 1 paper revisions
• Finish trial samples
• Polish poster
• Draft bloggle section of Chapter 2 discussion
• Draft bloogle vs. bloggle section of Chapter 2 discussion
  

July 31

• Print poster
• Email revised paper and cover letter to coauthors
• Wrap up trial
• Assess progress on and create plan for finishing Chapter 2 paper
• Make plan for week of Aug 10

Aug 1

• Shop, laundry, pack for meeting
• Complete personal schedule for meeting
• Script brief introduction for session I'm moderating
  

Aug 2

Travel to meeting

I finally cracked

This weekend I bought new athletic shoes, thicker socks, a sports bra, and AN IPOD.

iTunes is currently converting the songs that were on my computer into iSongs or whatever.

The iPod is green. LOVE.

I am now prepared for exercise. Lab work used to keep me moving. However, since I don't do lab work frequently or regularly (is that okay, Cath) anymore, I need to get my ass doing something else. Perhaps the iPod will motivate me. I'll let you know.

Proposition

Remember how I whined about a certain instrument a few months ago? My main complaint was that I use it so infrequently that I don't remember what to do, and each time I go to use the thing the protocol has changed slightly anyway. Well, I need to use it again for another project. Just three more encounters with this thing and I will be done. I'm so not interested in learning how to run this instrument for just these next three times, but I need the data. The culture of the lab dictates that I should run my own damn samples, but since I don't know how, it typically goes like this: I stand there while someone else does everything but explains each step as they go along and I pretend like I'm absorbing it all. I learn a little bit, but not enough to do it on my own the next time, so I always need help. This doesn't seem very efficient to me, as I see no point in using two people's time to do a one-person job.

So, I'm going to propose a trade. There is someone else who is really proficient with the instrument. It's not her job to run other people's samples, but because of some recent shifts in lab personnel, it would probably fall to her to help me. So I'm going to ask her to just run my samples for me and in return I will do something for her. I'll ask her to keep track of how long it takes with my samples, and then I will do something for her for an equal amount of time. Anything she wants, as long as I have the skills to do it. I would much rather spend a few hours doing something for someone else than waste my time watching someone do what should be my job. I think it will appeal to her too, since she'd probably spend almost as much time on my samples if I "do them myself" as if she does them for me, and she'll get a few hours of skilled bonus help. Win-win, right?

I'll let you know how it goes.

ETA: She agreed. I have to help with two partial days of field work. It's possible that I am overcompensating, but I have a feeling she's going to be doing a lot more than her share of lab service for a while, so I don't mind helping her out.

In which I make friends

I've complained here before about how I seem to have trouble making friends, especially independent of EGM, especially people who aren't from work, especially women. So I jumped at the chance to join a book club a few months ago, despite a somewhat awkward invitation.

I was at the birthday dinner for the female member of our only-friends-who-are-not-scientists couple along with another of her friends. We'll call this other friend Bookworm. I had met Bookworm several times before at other events hosted by this couple. Anyway, Bookworm invited my friend to join her new book club, but my friend declined because she doesn't like to read much. Awkward pause, then Bookworm said, well, um, would you like to come to my book club, Ecogeofemme? My natural inclination would have been to say no because it would be all people I didn't know and I felt like I was getting invited just because she felt rude leaving me out at that point. But, I'm always saying how I want more friends and I've been mildly interested in a book club for a long time. So I said yes.

That was right at the end of last year, so they skipped a couple of months around the holidays, and then I didn't make the next one. Then after all that time, I waffled about going. But I'm so glad I finally put on my big girl panties and went. The group is so great. They are a bunch of really intelligent, interesting women. They have different backgrounds from me, which is so cool. One is almost finished with a Ph.D. in English literature, so she always has great insights, but (thankfully) is never condescending. Several others have theater backgrounds, which adds a lot too. They seem to like my perspective as well. The discussions really add to my appreciation of the books because the others point out and explain allusions that I miss since I read way more science than literature.

Bookworm moved away a couple of months ago, and it was unclear if the group would continue without her leadership. So far, so good. I was a little worried personally, since I didn't know any of the other women before. But they seem to have accepted me as a regular member. I think it would take a long time for me to become actual friends with any of these people, but it's still really wonderful to have a standing engagement once a month where I feel like I belong. It has been a lot of fun so far.

Conferencing alone

Do you think it's better to attend a meeting on your own or with people from your lab? I see pros and cons to both situations.

Going with labmates can be great, particularly if they are good about introducing you to people they know. It's nice to have a guaranteed meal companion, someone to chat with during breaks, or to talk to when you get saturated and can't pretend to look at posters anymore. Beyond making a meeting experience less awkward, being with someone who knows people can certainly help you break into the conference cliques or get you introduced to potential collaborators. Tagging along with the Right Person can turn a so-so meeting into a career path-altering experience.

On the other hand, sometimes it's good to be on your own. Going with a colleague who does a poor job of introducing you to the people they know is infinitely frustrating and makes you think you'd be better off on your own. Moreover, when you're alone at a meeting you meet people because you have to. Because it's easier to stay in your comfort zone with labmates than it is to meet new people, labmates can inhibit networking. Being with friends can not only keep you from branching out, it can keep other people from approaching you if your group seems tight and intimidating.

The best case is when promoting your colleagues blends seamlessly with your own networking. It's poor form to ditch your labmates, but the point of conferences is to network and discuss science with the wider community. The balance depends on the personalities and experience of the players, of course, and I'm starting to think it takes some finesse to achieve.

Good Weekend

So far, this has been a pretty good weekend. On both Friday and Saturday, we slept in a little and had slow, relaxing starts to the the day. Then we went to EGM's office to work in the afternoons. Although we didn't work for more than 5-6 hours each day, I was really focused and actually got some stuff done. I always have this fantasy of a Good Weekend where I do both work and fun things. I imagine working really hard in the morning or afternoon, and then doing something fun in the evening and I feel great because I made the most of my day. But that almost never happens. Either I while away the day doing stupid shit while thinking I should do some work or chores or something, or I waste my time with fake work, or I get started too late so that I get in some good hours but finish at like, 9 pm and then just go home. This weekend, however, I actually made a Good Weekend happen.

On Friday I finished the first draft of the chapter I've been working on and sent it to my advisors and to Awesome Technician for review (probably only AT might read it before August). All I had left were to wrap up the discussion, abstract, and conclusions sections , which I thought would take no more than a couple of hours (they were all mostly written but not quite complete). Of course it took more like five. Still, I worked really hard and got it to a point where I felt comfortable asking for comments. What I want at this point (and what I asked for) is general comments about the organization, structure, and logic. Does it make sense? Did I miss anything big? I want feedback at that level before I spend a bunch of time polishing things that might just get deleted. But that seems to be really hard for people to do. Any advice for getting broad scale constructive criticism on early drafts?

On Saturday I started the data analysis for the next chapter! Progress! It feels great to move forward, but also scary because I intend to do some statistical analyses that are totally new to me. I need to be really careful to not stall due to fear, and to keep working even if I feel uncomfortable and not confident. My timeline and work plan don't have any room for any procrastination!

I said I did fun things too. Friday we watched some fireworks with a big group of friends and Saturday we went to a dinner party (with games!). Today I am taking the day mostly off to do some housework and to prepare for a trip -- I'm going to a short conference next week. If I finish my To Do list (which includes buying a book about said statistical techniques), then I'll go back to the data analysis. But if I don't get to it, I'm not going to feel guilty.

...who is the tensest of them all?

Lately I fell stressed. Even when I am doing something relaxing, I can feel an underlying tension that I don't think will go away until after I defend.

Some days, I get to my office all wound up and excited to get to work. But it's like anxiously waiting to start a race, hearing the gun, and then running in circles instead of following the course towards the finish.

Other days are much, much better. On those days, I get a lot accomplished, enjoy my work, and have a good time with my coworkers.

As I get down to the wire, the good days need to far outweigh the bad. I want to finish in the fall term, and I have a lot of work left to do. I guess there is a chance I could take another semester. That's unappealing -- I've already done that more than once and really, I think this thing will just expand to fill the time I give it.

So when I look in the mirror these days, I see someone bound and determined to finish her dissertation. I revisited the Dissertation Coach's advice the other day and made a timeline for the work I need to do, week by week. It's tight, but I think if I focus I can stay on schedule and finish without panicking towards the end. Every day needs to count; every day I need to arrive at work knowing specifically what I need to do. I see a person who will pull this off and not write a sloppy dissertation that was finished in a hurry*. My committee may have questions about my research, but it's not going to be because I wrote a crappy dissertation**.

*yes, I know no one else will read my dissertation, but each chapter will eventually get published as an independent paper, so I don't want it to suck.
**it will be because of the very limited replication in my experimental design.

scientiae-carnival

Blogging the lost

I can't find my checkbook. Need to send the rent today...

UPDATE: Found it!

The missing piece

You may recall that I am writing each of my chapters as separate, stand-alone papers that will be compiled into a dissertation by the addition of an introductory chapter and a synthetic conclusion chapter. Anyhow, I have been working on the Chapter 3 Paper and feeling kind of blah about it. The results are solid and will be valuable down the line for modelers, but by itself this paper was seeming kind of confirmatory. That's okay, I guess, since I'm planning to submit it to a specialist journal, but I was hoping for more out of this study.

Last night I obtained some supplementary data from a colleague. That allowed me to do some extra calculations and then bust out a figure that shows some very cool relationships among my results. This is the piece that was missing, the thing that will help tie everything together. What's more, it will better anchor my findings to the recent literature. I think the paper will be much more interesting now. yay.

nom nom nom

EGM's friends came to visit a few weeks ago, and they came bearing many packages of delicious sweets from Far Off Land. There were some lollies candies and whole load of biscuits cookies. EGM has been saying forever that American cookies* suck compared to the ones from Far Off Land, with Oreos as his primary example. I've tried to explain that Oreos conjure many comforting childhood memories rather than being high-brow treats, but he doesn't get it. Anyway, I sampled the cookies if FOL when I went there a few years ago, but I didn't try the variety that we've had lately. Wow! They're great! The best is this one kind that's like a Twix but with a better texture and nicer chocolate. I think I have to concede that FOL cookies are indeed better than the U.S. ones. Perhaps we should think about that as we consider potential postdoc locations...

*I'd like to note that we're only talking about relatively inexpensive supermarket cookies, not fancy gourmet ones.

Sigh...

I've been pretty quiet lately. Things have been busy. We had friends visiting from Far Off Land for a couple of weeks, went to an out-of-town wedding, and have been working later recently. I could have made time to blog, but I just haven't felt compelled to write. Each evening I feel more interested in reading other blogs than in writing my own. Anyway, I thought I'd check in at least. I have some posts in mind - maybe I'll get them written soon.

I think my posting hiatus started with the realization of how little time I have left to finish my dissertation. I panicked a little bit, then worked out a timeline for completing each chapter. That helped, but I need to stay focused and crank up the hours to get it all done. Between deadline fears and cessation of carpooling, I've been really productive, but that has left little bandwidth at the end of the day for blogging. I'd like to let you know, though, that I am working on the last of my lab work which should be mostly done in the next 2 (or maybe 3) weeks; I completed the revisions on my revise and resubmit and am waiting for my advisors to comment (have been waiting for >4 weeks); I have rewritten big chunks of the next paper; and finally, I have written the methods section for the paper that will come from the current lab work. So I've been doing lots of things, just not blogging.

All this has made me very tense, however. I think the venting I do on blog helps that, so I will try to get back in the habit.

Yum

A while back, I commented at Sciencegirl's place that we wanted to learn to cook Indian food. EGM has become obsessed really into it, and we have been practicing curries and such for the past several weeks. This chicken korma is currently simmering on our stove. It smells awesome. Too bad it's nearly 11 pm...

UPDATE: We had a taste and it was incredible! Holy crap!

NYR Update

First, let me just say that EGM got poison ivy and was scratching all night. I'm tired! And if it happens again tonight, one of us is going to the couch. Aren't I nice, sensitive, and empathetic?

Now that that's out of the way, I think I should report on my new years' resolutions. I have performed mediumly on both of them. I've sent birthday cards for almost all of the family birthdays so far, but several of them have gone out late. But, I have the next ones all ready to send. As for being more eco-conscience, there has been progress and setbacks. I kind of gave up on the paper recycling after the pile got so big that EGM finally threw it away -- I just kept putting off dropping it at the recycling place. We also decided not to do the CSA after all because we're not sure we'll actually use that much produce. On the other hand, the garden is going well. The seeds I started indoors are starting to look like plants and the things I planted outside are starting to take. Also, we started a compost pile near the garden. I have been bringing our kitchen scraps to work to compost, which gives me warm fuzzies. I'll post some photos soon.

Infrequent

Today I set a goal, and I achieved it! I planned to read and take notes on six boring methods papers and stay until at least 6 pm. I finished the last paper at 5:50. I was totally exhausted at that point but it was okay because the traffic was great! SAVOR IT.

I have one last "experiment" to do for my thesis research. It's small, but it will make the fourth data chapter. Part of the method is my bread-and-butter lab work that I can knock out in a matter of days. That will be followed, however, by something newish. I am sort of familiar with the kind of thing I want to do, as it's an auxiliary technique for us. But, we've already decided that I will do something a little different with this study. Thus, I have to decide on exactly which approach I want to use out of a suite of related methods. I've been reading all sorts of reviews and comparison papers and the emerging theme seems to be, "all the methods suck". Some comparisons suggest that method X is really good but method Y is useless while others say that method Y is better. Then a review will say they are both terrible, but method Z works great . And another one will say that Y is good in situation A but only mediocre in situation B...you get the point. I think it will come down to a gut feeling that will probably turn into a well reasoned argument after some rumination. I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to support whatever decision I make because there is such variety in the literature -- there is support for almost anything I want to say! But right now, I'm frustrated with trying to sort out what to do and bored with all these dry papers.

I met my goal for today, but there is more of the same waiting for me tomorrow. At least I get to look at my garden at lunch time!

Morning FAIL, already

It's after 8 am and I'm at home, waiting for EGM to get out of the shower. We were up too late last night watching Babel (so tedious!) so I just couldn't deal with a 5:30 alarm. So much for my new, early-morning way of life.

I'll be better tomorrow.

Butt in chair, eyes open

Alice Academic posted an interesting question: How do you stop yourself from ramping up the coffee when you have a deadline? She has increased her coffee intake in recent months, wants to cut back, yet worries that she'll need it to get through her summer writing goals. Personally, I only drink coffee first thing in the morning, at which point it is the most delicious substance I can fathom, whereas later in the day it has the appeal of sewage sludge. But the core problem -- needing a boost to make the writing happen -- is common. When I'm not working in the lab, I do suffer from the antsy pantsies or, conversely, drooping eyelids. Here are some ways that I deal with it:

• Jumping-jacks. Everyone thinks this sounds really lame, but it works. 5-10 jj's when I'm getting sleepy perks me right up.
• I take a short walk around my building. Moving around, getting a little fresh air, and most importantly, getting a little sunshine really wakes me up.
• I almost always go to the far-away bathroom. My legs start to fall asleep if I'm at my desk too long, so it's good to get frequent "exercise snacks".
• No reading bloglines unless I'm eating, which is how I define an official break. I think keeping focused on a single task rather than flitting among distractions is a good thing, but it's so hard. I haven't decided if this one really helps or just makes me bored.
• Having my breaks really be breaks, and making myself wait for them until a specific time or I've met a specific goal.

Like Alice, I've got a lot of writing coming up so I'm also looking for strategies to help stay on task. What do you do to keep your ass in your chair and your mind on your work?

Early starts

Remember how I cut back on carpooling? So I could get more hours in at work? And based on the parameters of my life, how I would consider joining a religion if it included a traffic god?

Well, I started out thinking I would continue to go to work at my normal carpool time, which is 7:00 am, and stay past rush hour instead of leaving before it really heats up like we we do when we carpool. That plan failed. The first few days I tried it, the traffic was uncharacteristically shitty on the way home even when I left work at 7 pm. Blow. After a few days in a row of that, I decided to try a different strategy.

For the past week or more, I've been leaving between 6:10 and 6:40 am and it's going well. I am decidedly a morning person. I'm not a morning person in the sense that I just pop awake and feel great -- waking up to the alarm sucks and I sleep late on weekends -- but I'm more alert, focused, and energetic early in the day. I've found that I can be productive when I'm tired early in the day, but it's all over once I get tired in the evening. So if I get to work by 7 am, I can work >8 hours and still leave before the worst of rush hour starts. Super.

Since I'd rather sleep as late as possible, it takes some effort for me to pull this off. I have to pack my lunch the night before, program the coffee maker, make sure my go-cup is clean, and possibly even lay out my clothes. But if I do all that, it works.

I know lots of you parents and other types of super busy people get up at the crack of dawn every day and it's nothing special. I know I'm not a special snowflake, but I think this is important for me to share because it's a change I've been wanting to make for a while. There are a bunch of things in my life that I think I'd prefer a different way, or things that I feel like I'm putting on hold while I'm in school/living the transient life/underpaid/whatever. This was a relatively easy change to make (but who knows how long I'll keep it up!). Maybe I'll work on some others soon.

RBOC

So I've been out of the blogging loop lately. I was away for a few days, but I've been back for over a week. I guess I've just been doing other stuff in the evenings. Anyway, to get back in the swing of things, I give you bullets:

• Today I finally finished manuscript revisions for reviews I got in MARCH. I was so slow with this! I sent them to the advisors; hopefully they will like what I've done so I can resubmit soon.
• I got rejected for a post doc fellowship that I really, really wanted. Bummer.
• I've been going to a book club. I really enjoy it, although all the other women are good friends, except me. They are nice, however, and I'm hoping to get some new friends out of it. Last time we discussed The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, which I totally didn't get when I read it. It just seemed filled with strange choices for the plot. Fortunately, the others in the book club are humanities types who informed me that the book was a take on Hamlet. Knowing that, it made a LOT more sense.
• I had a great time with my friends in Florida last weekend.
• Since I cut back on the carpooling, EGM and I have been going in super early. Today we left at 6:10 am. Loving it so far, but it takes some organization. There will probably be a full post on this later.
• I am so ready for the Lost finale tomorrow, although I am not ready for a six-month break in the show. We have leftovers in the fridge, so we can have dinner ready for the early start time.
  

Make it happen

Why does something that seems relatively simple on the surface always take so long to do? There is one instrument I occasionally use at the university. Since I don't use it all that often, I need help each time. Even if someone takes me through everything step-by-step, I don't repeat the process enough to commit it all to memory or to learn how to do even basic trouble shooting. Plus, by the time I use the instrument the next time, the protocol has usually changed.

This thing is a complicated piece of equipment, but it's not rocket science. There aren't that many steps to running it. Yet, it always seems to take up the whole f'ing day! I love getting the data, but using this instrument drives me crazy!

Revisions

I've spent about 75% of my work time in April on paper revisions. They really aren't all that bad, but I've had to do some literature searches, read papers, and dig out some old data to beef up the results and that all takes time. I also got log-jammed on one difficult section, but I'm think I'm over it now. I'm striving to have most of it done before Friday, when I go to Florida for a long weekend with BFF and another friend.

I've been feeling a little frustrated by working on these revisions. Of course I see this as a priority; I want to get the paper turned around as fast as possible so it gets published as soon as possible. Since I have no publications yet, I'm desperate to get this one out. But. The annoying part is that this manuscript is already dissertation quality. The changes I'm making will certainly make it much better, but it is already good enough for my diss. So instead of spending my time on the other chapters that are not yet written, I'm spending more time on this chapter to get it ready to resubmit.

I'm obviously not going to set aside the revisions in order to work on another chapter, but it is frustrating to sink yet more time into this one that could be considered done.

Are they that cool these days?

Is the photographer on ANTM wearing a t-shirt with a microarray?

Irony

I celebrated Earth Day today by ending my carpool. How lame.

I've been carpooling with the same person for about two years. It has gone pretty well overall. I have appreciated my reduced gas and car maintenance costs as well as the shared responsibility for our 35 mi one-way commute. However, my carpool buddy has to work a fairly strict schedule because of his childcare situation. The nanny for his two small children must be relieved by 5:15. That means we have to leave work by 4:00 (to give enough padding for frequent traffic jams). We're supposed to leave home at 7:00 am, which should put us at work by 7:45. But sometimes there's traffic, and dude's almost always late in the morning and on the rare days that he isn't, I am. So most days I barely get 8 hours in.

This schedule has been terrific in some ways. I sit in a lot less traffic than I used to because our schedule forces me to get up and out before the peak of rush hour and to leave work before the worst of the afternoon congestion. Also, the shorter day has made me much more efficient since I know that I can't stay late to compensate for goofing off. I'm more focused and spend much less time on the internet while at work. Those changes have been great for my quality of life.

But right now, a spare 8 hours is just not enough. I want to defend in the fall, but I still have a lot of work to do. I calculated some milestones based on a loose timeline that would get my dissertation finished by September/October. I think I'm at a point where I'll be okay if x, y, and z are done by mid-summer, but that means a big push now to get the last of my data collected and analyzed. And that means I can't carpool.

My carpool buddy seemed disappointed when I told him today, but such is life. The arrangement is more important to him than me since his family has only one car and his wife needs it sometimes. But the carpool isn't totally dead. His wife always needs the car on Fridays, so I said I'd continue to carpool two days a week so he doesn't have to drive on Fridays and I get a day in return. Plus, I only canceled through July. Who knows -- at that point, I might be burned out and welcome a return to bankers' hours.

Burrrrr!

I read Bean-mom's description of spring in the Midwest, written in her characteristically beautiful prose. She says of April, "... it is an unsettled month here in my region of the Midwest, where the weather careens wildly about, soaring into sunlight and the 70s on one day, plunging into the 30s and frost on the next." Honestly. There was hail tonight when I was driving home. There is supposed to be more fucking snow tomorrow! It's late April, dammit! I could say something nice like Bean-Mom, but really what I'm thinking is more like, "when the fuck can I finally put away my fucking sleeping bag with sleeves winter coat and be free?"

Thank god it's meant to be nearly 80 by Friday.

Fixed!

I'm back online! w00t! Evidently, the source of the problem was settings on a house guest's laptop. I couldn't fix the problem the last time I talked to tech support because the offending laptop wasn't here. But today it was, and the problem is solved. When Firefox jubilantly started google after days of failed page loads, I said, THANK YOU to the man on the phone. To which he replied "you DID it! You followed all of my instructions and now it's working!" How great is that?

More later.

Broken

My home wireless network isn't working and I'm pissed. I spent about an hour on the phone with tech support today and in the end, they just told me to call back later. Nice.

Regular blogging will resume when I don't have to sit 1 foot from the modem (I can only connect using the very short wire).

Your research sounds dumb

I was making small talk with someone at a party who asked what my research was about. I gave my one-paragraph spiel to which this person replied, "but we must already know all that." The person was also a scientist, but in a field very different from mine. I tried to explain that, no, we really don't know all the important things there are to know about the subject, and I described some of the outstanding questions. The conversation was interrupted and the person remained skeptical.

I find it rather arrogant to assume you know enough to determine that a whole field of research is stupid.

Thought

There is a fine line between self-awareness and self-centeredness. I think I prefer people who live very close to this line.

Green update

It's time for a little NYR update, folks. I had two resolutions this year: send birthday cards to my family and make my daily life a little more sustainable. I haven't done so well on number one. There have been two birthdays so far and although I didn't forget them, I didn't send cards. However, there are a whole slew of birthdays coming up, so perhaps I will go buy cards today so I can follow through.

I've been doing better on the green resolution. Things I've implemented so far:

• I got a cart thingy for groceries. Unless we go to the grocery store on our way home from somewhere, we don't drive to there anymore. I've tried to cut back on unnecessary driving, with limited success. Still, better than before.
• I have chosen "natural" versions of personal care products when my regular ones run out. Incidentally, the face scrub I ordered hasn't arrived yet.
  
• I found a place nearby that takes paper recycling, so we have been saving most of our paper.
  
• I found out about a really convenient CSA which we will be joining next week! I'm really excited about this one. You pay an annual membership fee plus $20 week-1 for a box of organic produce. Plus, it goes all year round. During the growing season the food comes from a nearby farm and during the winter they buy organic while making the best choices they can providence-wise. I've been hesitant to join a CSA in the past because they typically make you pay for the whole summer up front and I'm never sure if we'll really use the produce. This one allows you to stop at any time, so we can cancel if we find that we're throwing food away.
  
• But the very most exciting thing is that we're getting a garden at my work! It's so cool. The grounds people will till up an area of lawn for people to have vegetable gardens. The hitches are that you have to find a place with access to water and you can't use any chemicals (because of course they would have to be entered into the chemical inventory). This is a little tricky, actually, since it will likely be crappy subsoil that we'll need to amend somehow since we can't use mineral fertilizer. But, there is a good place near our building and we have an outdoor spigot, so we're in business. There are seven of us going together, so we'll share the work of watering and weeding. I've never had a garden before, so I'm happy to be doing it with others who can give me advice.