Impending transition

I’m still far from my next big transition (graduation), but I feel like I am on the cusp of a change in mindset; I feel like it is an adjustment for me to transition from a student with a long way to go to one who is wrapping up.

I recently finished one big chunk of my research that will become a chapter in my dissertation (huzzah!). I had been planning it for ages, then working on it off and on for the past 18 months or so, and now the data are collected. One of the things that way always in the future is now at hand. Add that to the manuscript that is in preparation, the lab work for another chapter that is 70% done (see sidebar counter), and the last chapter that was dramatically reduced after my most recent committee meeting, and I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I feel different preparing for Big Conference next week than I have for conferences in the past. People always ask if I’ll be finishing up soon and I always have to say no. This time, I get to say yes, I expect to be graduating in about a year and yes, I’m starting to think about post docs, will you have one available? I’ve even ordered business cards (I hope they arrive in time) to give out during all the networking I have planned. I feel similarly about the job ads that sail through my inbox every day. Occasionally, I’ll see interesting job listings, but I know I’m too far from finishing to pursue them. That will be changing soon.

It’s a little scary to realize the thing I’ve been doing for the past five years (seven if you count the time I was a tech in my current lab) is coming to a close. I love where I am, so it’s sad to think about leaving. But at the same time, it’s exciting to think about leaving to pursue something new, or even about staying but with a new project in the same lab. I’m really ready to graduate, but apprehensive about the thesis writing and defense process which I know will be stressful given my advisors’ lack of enthusiasm for reviewing my writing. So, while it may seem trivial to think of the last year of grad school as a transition, I think my mindset and even my daily routine will be changing quite a lot. I hope it’s good.

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May Scientiae is awesome

I have had the May Scientiae Carnival at A Cat Nap bookmarked since Flicka Mawa published it last week, but I just got around to reading it today. If you haven't seen it yet, go check it out now! Flicka did an incredible job of putting together a whole bunch of amazing posts on "career paths, perspective, and a changing self-image".

The scientists who wrote posts for the carnival have taken a wide variety of paths to get where they are now. I'm struck, though, by how many have faced uncertainty along the way or had very different goals at the outset. I perceive many of these bloggers to be extremely successful, ambitious, and goal-orientated. And they are, but they don't all have the clear long-term vision that I thought they had. It makes me feel better about my own insecurities and uncertainties to know that not everyone has it all figured out from the get-go.

My career plan: shrug

I come from a working class family. My dad is a skilled tradesman, my mom stayed home with the kids until she became a receptionist/office manager when I was young. Most of my siblings went to college, but none had advanced degrees until S4 got a master’s to keep up her teaching certificate. In short, I had no experience with the concept of a Ph.D. before I went to college and had Ph.D.s for professors. Scientists were people interviewed on the news about cancer breakthroughs or marine biology.

I went to a smallish, non-Ph.D.-granting university with a tiny master’s program. I had little exposure to research until my last semester when I got to work in the lab of a new faculty for course credit. Right after I graduated, that assistant professor took me to a small, student-friendly meeting to present a poster representing my work. It was the best professional experience I’ve had.

Everything at that meeting was new and exciting. I didn’t know who anyone was, so I didn’t know who to be intimidated by and I was fearless. I learned so much and met so many people, including Research Advisor, who then hired me to be a technician.

I came to RA’s lab not knowing exactly what I wanted to do. I still wasn’t considering grad school; Ph.D.s were for other people, not me. I figured I’d try the research gig for about a year, then try something more applied for a year and see what I liked best. After several months, the research bug bit me and I eventually enrolled in a grad program.

Now that I am approaching the end of grad school, it’s really hard to imagine the next step, let alone where I’ll be ten years out. In the fall, I’ll probably have to start seriously looking for post-docs, which just feels weird. There are so many different directions that appeal to me where I could use my current knowledge and skills in new ways. I sort of figure an opportunity will come along and the choice will be obvious. But now there’s Ecogeoman’s career to consider as well. And there are some great opportunities on the horizon in my current (non-university) lab. While I know that it sometimes isn’t good to stay in the same lab after a Ph.D., quite frankly it might be the best way for me to get on a nonacademic career path.

So, here I am, almost with a Ph.D. that I never expected and never planned for. I’m optimistic that it will all work out in the end. I plan to keep crossing bridges as I come to them since that has served me well so far. Really, it’s all I know.

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Once, I was a fool

Well, I still can be a fool sometimes. But this story is about a time when I was biased against a woman doing science, which I thought would be appropriate for Peggy's Scientiae Canival theme. I can’t believe I ever felt this way. I won’t do it again.

When I was in college, I worked in the lab of a brand new assistant professor. I went to a smallish school with no PhD program and a limited number of master’s student in the department, so undergrads had great access to research opportunities. Because this professor was new, she was still setting up her lab when I joined it. And because the department was small, she was doing most of it by herself. I recall one day I was there during the installation of a fancy piece of equipment that I now know is pretty standard fare for labs in our subfield. There were problems with the installation that required much troubleshooting during the first weeks she had the instrument. As this bright, capable women was buried up to the elbows in tubing and electronics, performing major surgery on the new instrument, I thought, Can she really fix this? She needs to get a man to deal with this. She’s going to break it! Of course, she didn’t break it. She fixed it. And when I moved on to the next lab, I met several very smart and technically savvy women who did similar work and expected me to be able to use and troubleshoot just such an instrument. Which I did, thank you very much.

I shudder now to admit those thoughts even crossed my mind! I would never think such a thing now. There’s no job a woman can’t do with the right tools. But knowing that someone like me could have had those thoughts once upon a time makes me realize that lots of people still have them. I think that’s why I’m drawn to women-in-science issues even though I rarely feel bias myself. Hopefully, women doing great work and speaking out about these issues will shown the remaining fools just how foolish they are.

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Oops, brain fart!

I forgot to call out the March anniversary edition of Scientiae. If you haven't yet, go check it out at Rants of a Feminist Engineer. Skookumchick did a bang-up job compiling the carnival!

New attitude (for now)

I'm sick of The Race. I'm both irritated and bored by the rush to finish projects and write papers and not get scooped (which almost never happens in my field anyway) and all the rest of it. I want to just relax and enjoy what I'm doing. If I do it right, then presentations and papers should come naturally as part of the process.

I want to do science because it’s interesting and fun and valuable. There are lots of other jobs I could be doing that would get me more money with less education. If science isn't fun or interesting, then there's little point in doing it for me. Sure, there's the benefit scientists provides society. But I feel like I could do as much or more good in another profession. It would just be a very different sort of good.

The other day, my carpool buddy was fretting about some deadline that he didn't think he could meet. Ecogeoman and I are constantly doing the same, both for external deadlines and the ones we set ourselves for motivation. But I suddenly realized how arbitrary our deadlines are. No one is going to die on an operating table or starve in the immediate future if we don't meet our deadlines.* My research is very important, but not it’s just not that urgent.

That thought brought on a welcome sense of relaxation. I have been thinking about how all this worrying about meeting goals takes mental energy away from actually doing the work. I want to focus on the parts of my job that are fun and interesting. I'm tired of spinning my wheels, planning and replanning my future, both immediate and distant. I need a break from all the fuss to just do my work and enjoy it for what it is rather than doing to meet an arbitrary deadline or because it's good for my career. I want to do it because it's good for science. My career will follow.

I hope that this change of attitude will provide some renewal of my motivation. But rather than renewing my fortitude to meet an arbitrary goal, I hope to renew my excitement about my research, and that’s all.

*I know some of you work in fields where this might be the case.
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A toast to women scientist bloggers

Has anyone else noticed how many new blogs authored by female scientists cropped up in the latter part of 2007? It probably partly reflects the growing general popularity of blogs, but may also indicate the necessity and appeal of a community like this.

I had been reading blogs for over a year before I started my own. The many blog conversations have helped me understand the expectations of and by scientists (who are women) in a way I don’t think I would have in any other forum because no other forum is quite so candid. Moreover, having a safe outlet for my thoughts and feelings has helped me to clarify what I think I want from my career at a time when I can still somewhat comfortably adjust my trajectory.

I hope that the addition of more women STEM bloggers in the coming year will contribute to our success in our careers. It’s uplifting and comforting to know that other women are out there dealing with the same issues. It also helps to know that they aren’t all of super human composition, i.e., that they aren’t so different from (or better than) me after all (note that in real life, people try to hide their weaknesses, while a blogger will write every damn problem she has).

Since I don’t regularly work at a university, I sometimes feel a little disconnected from other students and academic life. It has been really nice to expand my world a little and learn what this gig is like for others – those in other countries, fields, institutions, whatever. It has also helped put many issues in perspective. We all deal with the same problems. Moreover, it’s nice to open up to others in an unreserved way. It’s so difficult to do that in real life because it makes one feel too vulnerable.

So, as silly as it may be to salute one's e-social network, here’s to a fantastic 2008 for all my blog friends: to those who consider me a friend too, to those who don’t know they have me as a fan, and to those I’ve yet to meet!

Edited to add: I love all the non-scientist, non-female bloggers too! I didn't mean to be exclusive! It's just that I wrote this post with the Scientiae carnival in mind.

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Transcending the gender debate

Kate at A K8, A Cat, A Mission chose a very good topic, “transcending the debate”, for this month’s Scientiae Carnival, which I am contributing to for the first time. Here goes.

I believe that transcending gender issues in STEM fields involves setting the expectations ourselves. That is, behaving in a way that embodies what we want from our lives and our careers and demanding that others regard us how we wish. There are many confounding factors that make science jobs difficult for women. But it’s the jobs that are hard, not the science. We can do the science if someone would just take away the bullshit. So, I believe that rising above the debate comes from having the chops and not letting anyone think we don’t.

Doing the science in a way that improves the outlook for women entails shaking the guilt for being passionate. We don’t need to feel guilty for working at work, even if we want to work for a really long time. For wanting to run experiments more than we want to clean the bathroom or decorate the living room. By the same token, we should not feel guilty about wanting to live, either. For wanting to leave after just 8 hours because we have a dinner date or want to get home in time to watch Lost (and not hiding those plans from our colleagues or bosses). Or not wanting to go to a conference because we really don’t want to miss little Susie’s recital that is scheduled for the same day. We should do what we want, whether it’s working more than our mother-in-laws approve of or working less than the men act like they do.

This is not their system to dictate how we work. It’s our system too. We can do what we want with it. We can create part time jobs for each other. We can lower the requirements for tenure just a little bit. We can demand daycare on site. We can show some sympathy when one of our ranks has to stop an experiment short to go home to a sick kid, even finish the experiment for that mother. Or father, because part of our expectations should involve demanding more from men. Expecting that they know what size shoes the kids wear. That they notice when the bathroom is dirty, too. That we can rest assured that there will be no sexist comments towards us, no matter how subtle.

I know that women continue to be under represented at higher ranks in many STEM fields despite the larger numbers of female students for many years. I wish that the women who have made a career in science could feel empowered to make it easier for those young women to join them. And I know that many women are so overwhelmed that the pressure of being a role model/activist/leader might feel like too much. I’m sure many (most?!) women have it much tougher than I have it in my majority female lab, but we’re all in this together. Some collective effort can make science a friendlier place for women and parents. Then we will be able to not just transcend the debate, but make it obsolete.