The Five Love Languages

Have any of you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? I’m not really into self help books, but this is one that really resonated with me. The premise of the book is that there are five main ways that people give and receive love and each of us has one that is most important, or our primary love language. The five languages are physical touch, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and words of affirmation.

To determine your primary love language, ask yourself how you knew your mother (or other caregiver) loved you. A response like, “She hugged me” probably means it’s physical touch. “She told me” is likely to indicate words of affirmation. Or “she always packed a note in my lunch for me” could mean acts of service or gifts. Conversely, one may think about what punishment inflicted the most emotional pain. For example, the child who is devastated by being sent to her room probably has quality time as her primary love language. The book talks about how in many relationships, the same primary language is not shared by both parties. In those cases it’s important to learn what each person’s main love language is to keep everyone feeling loved and happy. The book also discusses how when people aren’t receiving the kind of love they need, they don’t feel much love at all. The person giving the love may be perplexed by the lack of recognition shown by the recipient. While giving and receiving love in a perceivable way is absolutely vital in a romantic or parenting relationship, it crosses over to all relationships, even those in a lab.

I wonder if some of our unhappiness in our jobs stems from not getting positive feedback in a form we can perceive. Perhaps some of the friction in lab relationships (and we do spend a lot of time with our labmates!) comes from miscommunication of love. Or maybe not love, but the professional equivalents like appreciation, respect, and gratitude.

Anyway, the book is worth a read. There are several of them actually. I have read the one for raising children and for married couples. The author is a pastor and definitely incorporates Christian ideals and Bible passages, but it’s not too intrusive. I’m not interested in religious teaching at all and I was able to ignore those parts.