The other day I wrote about how the “I’m not good enough” voice causes procrastination. I’ve always struggled with imposter syndrome because mine manifests in a slightly different way. I knew I suffered from it, but I also knew that it wasn’t in the same way that other people describe. I never feel like I shouldn’t have been allowed into my program or that I’m not smart enough to be a scientist or that it’s just a matter of time till everyone realizes I’m not smart. I always feel like I’m not passionate enough. It took sitting through that seminar for me to realize that in essence, it’s the same thing.
When I plan to work on the weekend, I really want to get work done. I’m super excited about my research and I really want a PhD. So when I can’t make myself stay focused to do my work, I feel like I don’t have the same love other people have. When I batted around post doc ideas with my colleagues, I always think, “yeah, that lab won’t want me once they find out how little I work”. Deep down, I think I’m actually worried about failing.
I always feel like I must not really be interested enough in my science since I put off reading papers. I think the real reason is that I’m afraid I won’t understand them or won’t be able to retain the information. Same with writing – it’s hard to stay on task. I’m not so worried about what people will think about my writing itself, but I’m afraid they’ll think I don’t know the literature well enough or that I haven’t synthesized literature and my data into interesting new ideas.
All this was hiding in “I’m not passionate enough” thoughts. That felt really bad because I am really excited about my science and I’m not sure what else I could do to be more passionate about it. I know I don’t want to be monomaniacal about it and I don’t think I could be even if I wanted to. But now I realize that those valid desires for work-life balance are also tangled up with my personal brand of imposter syndrome. Now I have to figure out how to work with that.
11 comments:
Wow, fantastic post. I 100% feel the same way.
Yep, I also feel that way. I feel like I can only pretend to be passionate, but in reality, pfff ... it's just that I don't know what else to do ;)
your recent posts are really helping me through this horrible time of thesis-writing, thanks!
I don't think you are alone in these feelings:
So when I can’t make myself stay focused to do my work, I feel like I don’t have the same love other people have... I always feel like I must not really be interested enough in my science since I put off reading papers.
I feel like this too from time to time. I hate reading papers- but for me, it's like you say- it's not because I'm not interested in the science, it's because I often don't understand, or if I do understand, I forget what I've read by lunchtime.
You are completely normal. :)
YES!
Totally.
The voices in my head tell me that the fact that I want to go home and walk my dog and have dinner with my husband means that I'm not fully engaged in this process. When really what it means is i'm afraid that all these dinners at home, this balancing of work&home, will somehow end with me, standing in front of my committee with a blank stare and nothing to show for my time here. And no amount of actual, quantifiable progress on my project seems to shake that feeling. And I think it is because we're all under this impression that absolute obsession is the only way to do it.
It is so good to have the conversation that it is NOT the only way, and acknowledge the progress we're making in our programs in the way that suits us best.
It doesn't help that most successful scientists we see bury themselves in work or shy away from any appearance of having a life outside of work. Not wanting your life to be that way can feel like you are not willing to give up enough to do your job well. That's why I try to seek out people that are more well-rounded and are still good scientists, and learn from them.
This is something I went through and have written about.
http://girlpostdoc.blogspot.com/2009/01/gaza-strip-of-graduate-school.html
I totally sympathize with you.
Hmmm... I think my imposter syndrome is why I'm still not going back to school again even though part of me wants to. I feel like I won't be able to make it afterwards. But then, this part fo what I'm doing is really good too. Sigh.
It's so great to hear that other people are going through the same thing. Thanks All!
Its awesome that you posted this, two reasons. Obviously the first one being that we all get to comment about how we feel the same, but the other is because we all get to read it and think whew we're not alone. I love it when I read that you or amanda@aladyscientist or CiEA, hate reading. It reminds me that my lack of desire to read is not a lack of passion for what I do, but a combination of fear, balance etc.
Thanks for sharing this, EGF. That may well be my variant of the imposter syndrome, too (though I never called it that until now).
Came across this blog by accident but I'm glad I found it! I have been a research tech for 2 years and have so many doubts on whether or not a PhD is for me. I want to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons and not just so I can have the fancy piece of paper. any advice on how you came to a decision to go for it?
Post a Comment