I am not religious and have no interest in becoming so. However, it seems to me that one of the virtues of church is the social network that comes with being a member of a congregation. I wish I had a welcoming place to go each week where I could meet up with a large group of nice people (but I don't want it to have anything to do with god).
It’s so difficult to meet people and to make new friends as an adult. When you’re a child/teenager, your life experience is short and easy to share. It’s easy to open up to people and make close fiends. As you age, your experience deviates from that of others and it becomes harder to relate. Plus, you have less free time so maybe you are more selective about whom you spend it with. People are more judgmental as well, which makes it a little scary to open up to someone new.
I think being an academic adds to the difficulty of making friends and adds to the desire for them at the same time. Academics move frequently, at least in the early stages of their careers. It’s hard to make friends and then leave them. As much as I’d like new friends, I’m in a position where I’m weary of bonding with new people because I think I’ll be moving before too long. I've heard other academics (e.g., FSP) say that they enjoy having friends all over the world who they get to see at meetings. I agree that it's rewarding to have a far-flung circle of friends who convene at conferences, but what about the friends I've made who aren't scientists? I really like having non-scientist friends, but it presents unique challenges, at least while I'm living in this place impermanently.
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Seriously. I don't know where you live, but add in living in an impenetrable city and the whole situation is even worse. I totally relate to this post.
I don't necessarily recommend having kids if you're not there yet :), but this is one reason I'm pretty excited about being a new mom soon. Whole new social circle! (provided I can find ones that don't behave like the Real Housewives of Orange County or the parents on Gossip Girl)
I wrote how a church can introduce you to people, but kids seem to do almost as well.
I also live in a big city and I agree that it makes it harder (in some ways, at least). For example, all the students in my department are so spread out. In a college town, everybody lives really close together, but it's not like that here. Also, my university is not so elite, so it draws a lot of local grad students -- they already have a social network in place.
I have the same problem - the only local friends I have now are my lab mates, which means we don't get too close as we are also coworkers. All other friends have either moved or I have moved from them. I too have considered a church as a good social network, but I can't pretend to believe what I don't. My hope is that wherever we live next, we'll make friends in the neighborhood, or perhaps with families with kids of the same age. But you are right, it is a bit isolating for now. Thank goodness for those academic friends I get to see every once in a great while!
At least we have a nice online community!
True that!
I have a similar problem. Living in a college town it's hard to make long-term friends, because everyone is so transient. Once I accepted that I realized that most were undergraduates, a little less mature than I would have liked, with very different interests than min. Having kids didn't help me much. Somehow I did not hook up with loads of parent with kids the same age as mine. Always hanging out with people in my department was almost incestuous.
Where I did make valuable and lasting relationships are two groups on campus. One is the campus atheist organization, largely dominated by undergraduates too, but at least a little more open-minded in my opinion.
But really, where I made the best of friends, is in the graduate student union. All grad students from a wide variety of departments. In fact, that is where I met my husband. The union has weekly meetings at a local place, monthly get-togethers at someone's house, every semester parties inviting all graduate students, regardless of whether they are members or not. And then there are of course the rallies to ratify new contracts, bargaining discussions, organizing and recruitment meetings, and invited speakers. As part of organizing I got to go out to all sorts of departments and meet interesting grad students.
And yes, it is nice to have an online community. Although sometimes I wish I could chat one-on-one. Maybe we should selectively start exchanging phone numbers or something. Cell phone numbers, so if (Darwin forbid) something nasty happens, it's easay enough to swap numbers. I often feel isolated and would love to have more friends.
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Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my site, it is about the CresceNet, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://www.provedorcrescenet.com . A hug.
I was just thinking about this today -- now, after almost two years, I know some people here. In the institute. Outside, ahem, it is even worse. Somehow between the language barriers and all the work, I really found it difficult to get to know some new people. The majority is from here and thus, as you said, they already have their social network. I also find that being in a relationship does not make it easier, because if I find some free time I want to spend it with him instead of going out and probably meeting new people.
You might want to consider looking into volunteer opportunities. I've met a lot of great people through the organization I volunteer with, from all different background. And some volunteer opportunities fit in with a busy schedule. Mine is once a month on Saturdays from 9 am to 12pm.
I know exactly what you mean! Vancouver is not an easy place to make friends as everyone is either transient or already in cliques. Team sport seems to be the exception to the rule, but my one attempt at that proved that I really really suck at sport. I was lucky enough to meet my husband after a year - he grew up here and has a HUGE network of friends. In fact that's how I met him: one of his high school friends was then dating (now married to) a friend of mine from my old lab.
My first acquisition of "my own" permanent friends happened when I moved jobs but stayed in the same city (for the first time ever - a new job used to mean a new country!) My old postdoc lab here was very social, so I made a lot of friends there, some of whom have also stayed on in a range of different jobs. My last job was also very friendly and I still socialise with friends I made there.
So... be good at sports, get a new job in the same city, or check out this post and its comments at Possummomma's (the Atheist in a Minivan) which mention the Unitarians, a strange group I'd never heard of before but who apparently give you the benefits of a church social support network but are friendly to agnostics and atheists. Weird but might be worth looking into!
Oh, I am with you on this one! In particular about the local students. There are only a handfull of us who grew up more than 3 hours from our university and don't have built in friends in the area. Those built in friends never seem to transfer over either.
This post really resonated with me (as it seems to for a lot of people!) The transient nature of academic life can make it hard for us to reach out to the "locals." My husband and I lived for nearly 5 years in the city where we did our post-docs. We made good friends in our respective labs; but because we knew we would eventually be moving on, I think we felt wary of ever getting really invested in the local community. It is a relief that we have now settled in a place for the long haul. I haven't made too many friends yet, but I look forward to putting down roots.
My network changed, though I stayed in my undergrad institution. I felt really lonely just about this time last year. But what are online social networks and web 2.0 for?
I met lots of people through either blogging, barcamps or a social network like linkedIn (Xing in this case). Of course you kind of have to give up your anonymity in the first two cases but ... I think its worth it.
it's true, a church is good for this. But so is volunteering. And it does get old but I figure it's better to reach out and make friends then to be lonely. But I agree, it can be tough.
Isn't it interesting that I thought I was the only one who is having this problem? ;)
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