RBOC

• It has been a long time since I posted., and I have lots of interesting posts from other blogs on which I would like to comment saved in Reader.  I haven't really wanted to open my computer at night lately.  
• I know it will pass, but I have been feeling a bit disillusioned with my job and job prospects.  I feel out of sync with some of my colleagues, big picture-wise.  Also, my institution is already feeling the consequences of the unsettled budget, and it is surprisingly demoralizing. This, after I recently got a raise (which was surprisingly motivating - my first merit raise ever). Why give raises and do things like cut travel?
• I will be starting on Accutane in a few weeks.  I welled up a bit when I read the drug description information that reported much better and longer lasting success than I had expected.  That makes me excited to start despite it being somewhat intimidating and a total pain the the ass.  Permanently clear skin would be a revolution of sorts for me.
• I am developing increasingly intense animal allergies.  The allergy to cats first appeared a few years ago, and has gotten steadily worse. This is disappointing because we would like to get a cat someday. Now, apparently, I am also allergic to dogs.  That is not disappointing, however, since I don't have a dog-loving bone in my body.
• The last of repairs to our apartment after last October's flood are finally done.  It was quite disruptive, but now we can finally put everything away once and for all.  We can even hang pictures on the walls now!

External motivation

I love my job.  Really I do.  I'm excited about my science: I like thinking about it, writing about it, making data happen.  But I get so much more done when I have some kind of outside motivation.  For example, I told you about my recent deadline for a paper.  Honestly, without that deadline I don't think that paper would have been done for months. 
 
For several reasons, I can no longer do Twix Challenges.  I miss that fun, positive influence on my work habits.  Now, however, PI and I started a new thing.  We each had a small side project we wanted to get done last week, so decided that whoever finishes by noon on Monday gets to keep a silly trophy in their office.  If both or neither of us finish, then the trophy goes in the lab.  It will stay wherever it lands until we initiate a new contest when we both have something we need to get done.  I think it will help.

Sometimes my lack of internal motivation makes me feel bad.  If I like my work, why is it so hard to do it?  The best answer I can come up with is it still is work, after all.  I like it, but I don't like it in the same way I like a picnic on the beach.  I think I just have to give in and do whatever works without feeling like it says anything about my "passion".

Getting creative

Ecogeoman and I have noticed that if your field is small, you sometimes have to get creative to solve practical problems in the lab. Without tons of people out there doing the same kinds of work, there might not be enough demand to warrant design and marketing of specialized equipment for your purpose.  So the thing you need might not exist, or if it does you might not know about it.

Fortunately, we can usually come up with something that will do the job.  We're constantly repurposing stuff to find solutions to little problems.  Cutting up PCR tubes, getting creative with toothpaste, spending hours in craft or hardware stores describing what we want without getting into all the bizarre details of the experiment.  My new lab is getting a taste of this now, and I think they find it pretty frustrating.

I suspect you don't run into these problems so much if you do NIH-funded stuff (not because of the funding, but because there are so many people doing similar types of work).  Whole companies exist to supply the needs of bioscience researchers -- and they have competition!  I'm getting a taste of this in my new lab now, and I think find it pretty delightful.  Sure, there are companies selling stuff specifically for workers in my old field, too, but there just aren't as many and their offerings are more limited.

I did have an experience recently where I tried to MacGyver a lab set-up, and then found a supplier for everything I needed, deigned exactly for my purpose.  It was glorious! 

Do my readers who work on cancer and stuff face similar challenges?  Or is my assessment way off-base? 

Where'd I put that?

The bathroom at my work is at the intersection of two long hallways, near the copy room, the mail room, and the stairs that lead to the autoclaves, ice machine, vending machines, outdoors, and other labs.  I tend to stop in the bathroom on my way to do something else, and I've noticed that other people do too.  Lately, I've noticed a lot of stuff left behind in the bathroom, like printouts and safety glasses.  People who stop in the john on their way from doing something else need to set down the things they were carrying while they visit the bog, and then forget the items on the bathroom counter.  Last week there was an ice bucket in there for two days.   I'm sure these people are all, "where the hell did I leave that thing?"  and then are totally all "duh" when they finally find their missing ice bucket or whatever in the ladies'.

Another one down

I can't believe I didn't tell you guys: I submitted a paper last week!  From one of my thesis chapters.  It was the one for the special issue and I managed to get it in by the deadline. 

One of the coauthors gave me very important comments very quickly.  One didn't have any comments, but that was fine given the circumstances.  Another gave me feedback on Friday night, and the last suggested relatively substantial changes on Saturday night.  The paper was due COB Monday.  I really, really appreciated that the last two read the paper, thought critically about it, and gave me feedback.  But some of those comments didn't get addressed because I just didn't have enough time.  That sucks for two reasons: 1) they spent their valuable time making comments that were ignored, and 2) my confidence was undermined because I knew there were problems that I couldn't fix before I had to submit.

I'll have a chance to incorporate more of their suggestions after review, either to go back to this journal or to try somewhere else, so ultimately those comments will get used.  And I guess it's good for my own perfectionism/impostor syndrome to just have to move forward even though I felt a little out of control.  I think the experience was positive on the whole, especially because the paper never would have gotten out so fast if there hadn't been a deadline.  I think I'll be able to say that more emphatically if the paper is accepted.   

A students aren't quitters

The always-insightful Dean Dad has a recently posted on hiring practices in academia.  I particularly liked this paragraph on why aspiring academics fight so hard and long for super-rare jobs that may not even be that awesome:

I’m convinced that one reason some people won’t let themselves let go of the dream, despite years of external signals suggesting that they should, is a sense that it would reflect a personal moral failing. They’ve identified so completely with the ‘meritocracy’ myth that they feel a real need to redeem themselves within it. It’s more than the money; other fields often pay more. Instead, they see the status of “tenured professor” as a sort of validation of everything they’ve done. Leaving the academy would be admitting defeat and accepting failure; lifelong “A” students, as a breed, aren’t very good at that. It’s not what they do.

Like many of you, I've often wondered why it's so hard for people who are miserable to give up the ghost and try for a different sort of job.  I particularly wonder about really unhappy grad students since they are early enough in their careers to take a different path. I think Dean Dad hit the nail right on the head. I don't really even have anything to add here. 

The winner is...

Thank you all for voting on my wedding dress short list.  I ended up going with something of a mash-up of the dresses I posted before.  I really wanted something with some coverage over the shoulders, and this one came with a little lace bolero jacket that I  will wear with it the whole time.  Also, it's kind of hard to image with these pictures, but I think a sash will go really well with it.

It was a sample dress, which meant I got to take it home right then rather than ordering it in my size.  It will need a major hem, or course, and to be reduced in the bust, of course, but other than that it won't need too much alternation.  Even though they are typically cheaper, I had kind of given up on sample dresses since they are mostly in sizes that are way too large for me, but I got lucky with this one.  It was the last one of many, many that I tried on at a point when I thought I might have to settle for something I thought was just ok.  Then I found this one and I just love it!