They came through

All five chapters have now be read at least once by at least one of my advisors.

I planned to distribute the complete document next week. Research Advisor suggests I ask the other committee members if they plan to read it that far in advance in hopes of getting a little more time to polish. That would be great. Even if I get the extra time, I'm glad I planned to finish it this soon so I can maybe have time to "polish" rather than "frantically finish".

Reminding the Passengers that I'm not a special snowflake

The last two days didn't go so well. I got stuff done, but not as much as I wanted. My normal emotional stability vanished, and I was a bit of a mess. The passengers on my bus were screaming at me, and it really distracted me from my work. They were saying things like your dissertation is going to be a mess; your defense is going to be awful because Difficult Committee Member isn't going to understand this train wreck of a dissertation; you'll be wasting Out-of-State Committee Member's time with your shitty diss.; and so on.

But then today I was venting to Awesome Technician, as usual, and she reminded me that I'm not the first person to feel this way, which of course I know, and that I'm not the first person to have a diss. that's not perfectly polished, which I also know. But somehow her reminder kicked me out of my self-pitying state so I could work again. There's a reason I call her Awesome.

Another helpful thing happened today as well. Academic Advisor had indicated he wanted to review the main introduction to my diss., so I sent him a rough draft of it on Saturday. I ran into him yesterday morning when he was on his way out the door. He he said he had been reading it, had found some issues, and would finish with it and send me comments in the afternoon. Then I never heard anything else. So late this morning I sent him an email saying, basically, that it was shitty to tell me he had problems with my intro but to not tell me what they were. I got comments within an hour. They were super helpful, and really pushed me through the remaining work on that part.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I now have a finished introduction.

Postcard from dissertation jail

Is it unreasonable to expect that each of my chapters will get read by at least one of my advisors before I give the complete dissertation to the rest of the committee?

Also, today I wanted to stab my eyes out with my pen.

On the bright side, my wonderful EGM made chickpea curry for dinner. Can't wait!

Final lap

Okay, I'm starting to spaz. I have a week, maybe a week and a half to finish my diss. I have a lot left to do. That means I'm in dissertation jail this week. Here's the status.

• Introduction: written, in the last 2.5 days. Still pretty rough, but I think everything's in there. Except most of the references. Emailed to Advisors today, because one of them expressed interest in providing guidance/feedback. Any bets on if it will actually get read before I have to distribute the diss to my committee?
  
• Chapter 1: written, needs revision. This is the Poopsicle, which was meant to be Chapter 2 but we decided to put it the first position to deal with the data issues (the conclusion will be: this method sucks, other methods are way better, I used the better methods in the rest of the chapters - see?). Thus, I had to revamp the intro to the chapter, which I did today. I also redid some of the stats, and I still have to incorporate those results in the results and discussion sections. Plus fill in some more references and some general editing for style.
• Chapter 2: totally done. This is the one that is already accepted for publication, so it won't change other than formatting.
  
• Chapter 3: written. First draft went to Advisors in July. One never read it. One gave me really general comments in September. I revised it and sent it back. No reply. I do, however, have comments from a friend to help me polish it.
• Chapter 4: written. Emailed to Advisors on Saturday afternoon. Hopefully at least one of them will at least skim it before I have to distribute the diss. Still need to fill in a few last references.
  
• Conclusions: not started. But this part will be short.
• Formatting: not done. Started last night, then Word crashed and took my formatted chapter with it. Gah! I will have lots of time after my defense to get it just right for the Graduate College, so for now it just has to be formatted well enough for my committee to navigate it.
  
• Abstract, acknowledgments, table of contents, references: not done. Although each chapter has it's own reference list that I will have to fold into one. Did I mention that I'm a jackass who doesn't use reference managing software? I will be doing this manually.
  

On top of that, there is some distracting post-doc drama going on, and I got the proofs for the in-press paper. It's going to be an intense week. I best stop blogging!

Something is better than nothing

Yesterday I stayed home and failed to work, so today I went to my office. I was there for about 6 hours, and I got maybe 2 hours of real work done. It's tempting to feel really shitty about that, but I'm trying to have the mindset that something is better than nothing.

I remember the Dissertation Coach commenting that she has clients who avoid work all week, and then finally get motivated by her impending phone call (she has weekly phone meetings with her clients, who report their progress and then work with her to make a new plan for the next week). So they work for only a few hours in total all week, but still they get more done than they otherwise would without the accountability of the scheduled phone calls. Today when I sensed I was straying too much, I called EGM and we agreed to write for 30 minutes and then call back. It worked. Then we did it again. I still ended up reading a bunch of crap on wikipedia, but at the end of the day I had the introduction to my last chapter fleshed out, made the realization that I needed to report some addition results, calculated said results, and made a table to display them. So I could have done a lot more, but it was better than nothing.

Um, thanks?

EGM and I sometimes discuss how positive feedback can be hard to come by in science. A case in point: EGM's close colleague passed around a manuscript for friendly review before submitting it for publication. The response of the most senior person who read the paper? The manuscript looks fine.

Fine? It looks fine? Not, this will make a nice contribution, or good work? At least we know it's not personal.

Countdown relief

So, things have gotten better for me lately, stress-wise. The change happened as soon as I got my defense lined up. This strikes me as a little paradoxical, since you'd think that once the clock was officially ticking, I'd be freaking out about finishing. I think the crux on my anxiety was that grad school was starting to feel interminable.

I had a committee meeting in May 2008, and at that point we all thought I'd finish in about a year. Actually, I thought I might be able to defend in March 2009. When it became clear that wouldn't happen, I thought I could do it in June. Then October. Finally I put my foot down with December.

I had sort of a low point mid-summer. The proximate reason was my frustration with the slow pace of paper revisions. The ultimate reason, however, was that I just could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. It seemed like I should be wrapping up, but there was so much left to do and no one seemed to be thinking I should be nearing completion except me.

I was adamant that my defense had to be done this year. There's not a good reason for that, though, except for the psychological cost of waiting longer -- I've completely missed the graduation deadline for fall semester. I simply could not handle pushing it off any more.

Fortunately, I feel like the tension broke over the last few weeks/months for several reasons: 1) I got my advisors' blessings to schedule the defense in December; 2) my out-of-state committee member agreed to come and scheduled his travel; 3) I finished a draft of the pile-o-shit paper (aka poopsicle); and 4) I have all my data in hand.

Now all I have to do is finish the mother fucker.