After much thought, I decided to share my experience with a book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, for ScienceGirl's baby shower. The thesis of the book is that how we give and receive love governs how we function in loving relationships whether that be with our spouse, our parents, or our children. Basically, we all give and receive love in five main ways: physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, and acts of service. Everyone can experience all five love languages, but most of us have one that is most important, our primary love language.
Think about this: how did you know your mother loved you? Was it because she always told you? words of affirmation Or because she packed your lunch every day? acts of service Perhaps you had a morning ritual involving lots of cuddling. physical touch/quality time You see where I'm going with this. No love language is better or worse than any other, but we all have one (or maybe two) that we understand best. It's nice if you and your loved ones share a primary love language, but it's ok if you don't. However, it's good to be cognizant of different love languages and how they can shape our behavior in relationships. Sometimes we are trying to show our love for someone, but that person has trouble feeling it because it's the wrong love language for her.
In addition to a primary love language, we all have an internal "love tank" that can empty and fill depending on circumstances in our lives and the health of our relationships. Being spoken to in our primary love language is the best way to fill the tank and keep us feeling our best.
Why I am I writing this for my baby shower post? This love language concept can be particularly important and useful for raising kids. In fact, Chapman has a whole book devoted to love languages in parenting. Typically, an individual's primary language isn't evident until about age four, so it's critical for parents to "speak" in all of them when children are young. Even after you think you have identified your child's primary love language, you should still use all of them. But, you may want to emphasize the one that is most important to your child, and you may want to consider it when you invoke punishments. For instance, a child whose primary love language is quality time will find being sent to her room particularly harsh. By the same token, keeping a kid's love tank full can promote self confidence, good behavior, and healthy relationships.
There are a series of Five Love Language books targeted to the various types of relationships we encounter, including one specifically about children and one about teenagers. They have a fair bit of Christian content, e.g. Bible quotes, but that's easy enough to overlook if you want. Although the language can be a bit cheesy ("love tank"?), I have found the five love languages thesis has been crucial for my relationship with EGM as well as other important relationships in my life.
ScienceGirl, lots of other bloggers have offered their best practical advice - to take of yourself and your marriage so you can be the best possible mom to your little one. I encourage you to read a FLL book (or visit the related website) to give you another tool to do just that. Identify your love languages so you and your husband can keep each other's love tanks full throughout the very challenging (and rewarding!) time ahead of you, and you'll be able to keep your daughter's tank full too. The rest should fall into place.
6 comments:
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful resource! I know my mom and I have a mismatch in "love languages," and sometimes things would go smoother if we kept that in mind. I am especially eager to read the books about children and teenagers, as I am interested in how they see things at those ages. Thanks again for your thoughtful recommendations!
Thanks for sharing, this is really interesting! Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I have read about this before... (SciWo, maybe, years ago?)
The "love language" might be something where my MIL and I mismatch... maybe knowing that will help.
oh, that sounds like an interesting book. It makes sense to me when you write it, I just haven't thought in those terms ;)
I know that I and SO are different in extroverting our feelings though. Haven't really sorted out in which of the categories he falls.... or I. (there are like two of them that I fancy more than others).
I think that the idea to speak in all of them is a great one though! thanks!!
I just told Mr E Man that I'm reading about a book that will help him find the best way to fill my love tank, and he had a brief (but dramatic) coughing fit :)
Being serious, that does sound like a very interesting idea. I shall add it to my library list!
My husband and I had to take an extensive marriage class prior to getting married in church. During that set of classes, they talked a lot about these languages of love, and I particularly remember the love tank concept- because for a long time afterward, and even now occasionally, one of us will do something, and the other will say "Plus 10 love points!" or "Minus 5 love points." Haha, it's a good concept.
SG, yes this concept could probably help with many relationships. I like it because it's universal. So many books like this will group men vs. women or adults vs. kids, but really we're all pretty similar.
Amelie, I think I may have written about this one before a long time ago. Good luck with your MIL.
Chall, I always thought I was words of affirmation, and then one day it hit me that I'm physical touch. Think about what you crave when you're feeling bad, or how you want to reconcile after a fight.
Cath, 'love tank" has always sounded very lame to me, but now I see it in a whole new light. Did you have to ruin it for me like that?!?! :)
CE, that's cute. We tend to say, "I need my love tank filled. Can you please [do something in my love language]?"
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