I've heard lots of people exclaim, "I NEED a vacation!", which I always thought sounded a little melodramatic. I love taking vacations, I like breaks from work, but I've never felt like I needed a vacation. Until now.
I'm sick of work, sick of the pressure of finishing, sick of the worry about finding jobs, sick of the looming deadline. All of it. I want a break. But, I want the break to come with the relief of knowing grad school is over. I've been fantasizing about vacations, looking at travel websites when I should be working. My current favorite is a Caribbean cruise in mid-January with either EGM, my real-life BFF, or both. BFF, you in?
My ideal post-defense scenario involves staying a while in my hometown at Christmas break, then lazing my way through January taking said cruise, maybe going to the science blogging conference thing in NC and visiting a friend who lives in that area, and visiting a research institute in another state to give a seminar. Then I'd like to work part time through, say, March. I want to earn enough money to pay my basic bills while having time to polish my diss chapters for journal submission at my leisure. Actually, if I don't have a job lined up before I graduate, I think this scenario is a real possibility, but we'll see.
PhD Mommy made a good point in the comments on my last post -- that not having a contingency funding plan forces you to finish. I think this is another reason I've been reluctant to make arrangements for next semester - I don't want to give myself the option of pushing my finish date back any further. However, today I got news that changed that. I have a committee member in another state who wasn't sure he could make the trip here for my defense. Without his travel plan in place, there was still room to change the date. Now he has decided to come and has paid for a flight, so the date is final. I'm really going to do it this time!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Craving legitimacy
I am just dying to be done with grad school, to the point where I'm irrationally reluctant to make contingency plans for next semester. It's been a source of mild conflict with EGM, I think because I couldn't really articulate why I'm being so weird. But I think I've finally figured it out.
Academic Advisor, who never ever lets a student suffer through university-related financial issues, has wisely counseled me to keep all my options open. Thus, I'm trying to sort out exactly how to plan defense-related events to maximize my flexibility. If I defend at the right time, I won't have to register for spring, and I will have met the requirements of a PhD so I can take a job. But, I won't technically be graduated, so I would be able to register and get a TA (or more of my external fellowship if they'll give it to me) if I don't have a job yet, or if I want to hang around until EGM is ready to move in late spring. Makes sense, but is causing my anxiety.
I have been saving money like crazy for the past year or so to pay for a big trip to Far Off Land or to fund a period of unemployment. I am so desperate to be OUT OF GRADUATE SCHOOL that I almost don't even want the option of continuing next semester, even as a cushion. EGM can't understand this -- why would I want to live off savings if I don't have to? He's right - it's totally irrational. But I think it has to do with the desire to feel entitled to my pay and to feel legitimate at my institution.
Earning my income
I feel like I should feel guilty or ashamed for my funding. That other people don't get as much, or that I'm keeping another student from getting funded because I'm taking too long. I know that no one else thinks this, but I feel like they do. That I'm lucky I have anything at all so I should just be happy with it. I understand that many people share this sentiment in this economy, but that doesn't make me feel less this way.
I want to get paid a regular salary with real benefits and a 401(k) and all the rest of it. I want to feel like I earn my money, that I'm getting a paycheck because I did a job I was hired to do. I want to be in the HR system for heaven's sake.
Legitimacy
I had the experience recently of being told that under no circumstances should I make it look like I am employed the institution where I do my research. That stung a little, since I spend nearly every day there and they fund all my work. They don't pay for my time, however, which makes me kind of second-class there, a ghost worker. For instance, I'm not listed on the department's webpage. Thankfully, the people I directly work with dont' have this attitude, but still. It's like this to a lesser extent at the university too, where grad students aren't like real students but also aren't employees.
I'm tired of being caught in the place between a student and an employee. I'm tired of not knowing what to write for "occupation" on surveys. I'm tired of feeling illegitimate, that I don't deserve my (paltry) salary or that I'm not really part of my institution. I'm also sick of having all the responsibilities of being an employee, like training, but not getting the full benefits in return.
Also, I want a BREAK. More on this in another post.
Academic Advisor, who never ever lets a student suffer through university-related financial issues, has wisely counseled me to keep all my options open. Thus, I'm trying to sort out exactly how to plan defense-related events to maximize my flexibility. If I defend at the right time, I won't have to register for spring, and I will have met the requirements of a PhD so I can take a job. But, I won't technically be graduated, so I would be able to register and get a TA (or more of my external fellowship if they'll give it to me) if I don't have a job yet, or if I want to hang around until EGM is ready to move in late spring. Makes sense, but is causing my anxiety.
I have been saving money like crazy for the past year or so to pay for a big trip to Far Off Land or to fund a period of unemployment. I am so desperate to be OUT OF GRADUATE SCHOOL that I almost don't even want the option of continuing next semester, even as a cushion. EGM can't understand this -- why would I want to live off savings if I don't have to? He's right - it's totally irrational. But I think it has to do with the desire to feel entitled to my pay and to feel legitimate at my institution.
Earning my income
I feel like I should feel guilty or ashamed for my funding. That other people don't get as much, or that I'm keeping another student from getting funded because I'm taking too long. I know that no one else thinks this, but I feel like they do. That I'm lucky I have anything at all so I should just be happy with it. I understand that many people share this sentiment in this economy, but that doesn't make me feel less this way.
I want to get paid a regular salary with real benefits and a 401(k) and all the rest of it. I want to feel like I earn my money, that I'm getting a paycheck because I did a job I was hired to do. I want to be in the HR system for heaven's sake.
Legitimacy
I had the experience recently of being told that under no circumstances should I make it look like I am employed the institution where I do my research. That stung a little, since I spend nearly every day there and they fund all my work. They don't pay for my time, however, which makes me kind of second-class there, a ghost worker. For instance, I'm not listed on the department's webpage. Thankfully, the people I directly work with dont' have this attitude, but still. It's like this to a lesser extent at the university too, where grad students aren't like real students but also aren't employees.
I'm tired of being caught in the place between a student and an employee. I'm tired of not knowing what to write for "occupation" on surveys. I'm tired of feeling illegitimate, that I don't deserve my (paltry) salary or that I'm not really part of my institution. I'm also sick of having all the responsibilities of being an employee, like training, but not getting the full benefits in return.
Also, I want a BREAK. More on this in another post.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Interests and hobbies
Community gardening, knitting, hiking, playing party & variety games, hosting & attending dinner parties, book club.
Thanks for the advice, Readers. And don't tell me I'm lame now, 'cause the app is in.
Thanks for the advice, Readers. And don't tell me I'm lame now, 'cause the app is in.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Not so fast
On Monday, I emailed a draft of another diss chapter to Awesome Technician (AT) and my advisors. AT sent me comments on Tuesday, but I didn't look at them right away. Today when I came in, there was a book on my chair with an unsigned note marking a page saying something like "this might be a good reference for [statement X]" (I had some sentences in the discussion that still needed references). I thought the handwriting was Research Advisor's, and I got super excited that she had read my draft already. There was a problem with my email server this morning, so I couldn't sign in right away to see if she had emailed full comments, but the fact that she had left this book indicated that she had read the draft. I wanted to thank her straight away, but she was in a meeting.
I stopped my AT's office a little later to talk about some lab things, and I mentioned how happy I was that Research Advisor had already read my draft and that I couldn't wait to thank her. AT made this odd face and said, "well, I left a book on your chair. Were there two books?" uuuooooooohh. It wasn't my advisor after all. But AT did make a bunch of really helpful comments, so that's good.
I'm glad that Advisor was in that meeting, because I would have felt like a total jackass if I had barged into her office with a big grin, thanking her for her prompt feedback, and put her in the position of saying that she hadn't done it. That would have been awkward.
I stopped my AT's office a little later to talk about some lab things, and I mentioned how happy I was that Research Advisor had already read my draft and that I couldn't wait to thank her. AT made this odd face and said, "well, I left a book on your chair. Were there two books?" uuuooooooohh. It wasn't my advisor after all. But AT did make a bunch of really helpful comments, so that's good.
I'm glad that Advisor was in that meeting, because I would have felt like a total jackass if I had barged into her office with a big grin, thanking her for her prompt feedback, and put her in the position of saying that she hadn't done it. That would have been awkward.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Culture shock
So I'm applying for this job in Far Off Land. It's not really what I had in mind, especially for my first position out of grad school, and it's very unlikely that my bid for it will be successful. But still, I'm applying, and I would like for my application to not be laughable.
Since I hadn't really planned on applying for anything other than postdocs at this point, I'm not sure how to prepare a good application. On top of that, I'm noticing some cultural differences that are confusing me. Far Off Land is quite similar to the US overall, but minor differences crop up from time to time. EGM and I note them with interest (or sometimes frustration) and then move on. In other words, the subtle cultural differences haven't really had any impact on my behavior, like how I deal with EGM or his family.
But now with this job thing, I'm confronted with some small things that seem totally weird. For example, they suggest writing your interests and hobbies on your cv. That feels uncomfortable to me, since I haven't seen it before. Where do I write that? What sorts of things are cv-worthy? I don't really have a whole heck of a lot of hobbies -- can I put that I really love watching Lost? Or that I spend much of my free time reading anonymous blogs? I'm guessing they expect the applicants to say how much they love back-country camping or rock climbing or something. I mean, I like camping and all but it's not like it's a major hobby. Another example of things that seem strange to my American sensibilities: you can bring your family along if you get an interview, but you have to write in your cover letter if that is something you plan to do. huh?
So, I have no idea what to write in my cover letter, or how best to structure my cv for a job like this as it is. But now I'm even less confident because of the cultural differences at play. EGM has explained some of the issues, but is equally inexperienced and has been in the US long enough that I don't think he can offer a whole lot of help. It probably doesn't matter anyway since I'm not at all competitive for the job, but I'd still like to put my best foot forward on the application. Also, I guess it's a bit of a lesson in how EGM's background is different from mine, even though we overlook it most of the time.
Since I hadn't really planned on applying for anything other than postdocs at this point, I'm not sure how to prepare a good application. On top of that, I'm noticing some cultural differences that are confusing me. Far Off Land is quite similar to the US overall, but minor differences crop up from time to time. EGM and I note them with interest (or sometimes frustration) and then move on. In other words, the subtle cultural differences haven't really had any impact on my behavior, like how I deal with EGM or his family.
But now with this job thing, I'm confronted with some small things that seem totally weird. For example, they suggest writing your interests and hobbies on your cv. That feels uncomfortable to me, since I haven't seen it before. Where do I write that? What sorts of things are cv-worthy? I don't really have a whole heck of a lot of hobbies -- can I put that I really love watching Lost? Or that I spend much of my free time reading anonymous blogs? I'm guessing they expect the applicants to say how much they love back-country camping or rock climbing or something. I mean, I like camping and all but it's not like it's a major hobby. Another example of things that seem strange to my American sensibilities: you can bring your family along if you get an interview, but you have to write in your cover letter if that is something you plan to do. huh?
So, I have no idea what to write in my cover letter, or how best to structure my cv for a job like this as it is. But now I'm even less confident because of the cultural differences at play. EGM has explained some of the issues, but is equally inexperienced and has been in the US long enough that I don't think he can offer a whole lot of help. It probably doesn't matter anyway since I'm not at all competitive for the job, but I'd still like to put my best foot forward on the application. Also, I guess it's a bit of a lesson in how EGM's background is different from mine, even though we overlook it most of the time.
grumble
One more thing related to this post: the ethernet port thingy on my laptop is messed up, so the ethernet cable won’t stay plugged in. This is a problem that has slowly gotten worse, to the point where today I can’t stay connected without mashing the cable in the plug and holding it there. So frustrating! The only time I really use it is when I'm at the university, which just adds to my university-related annoyance (even though this particular issue is clearly not the fault of the university).
Monday, September 28, 2009
Low hanging fruit
Ecogeoman and I took a day off together on Sunday and it was just great. We slept in, then had lunch at our favorite neighborhood Thai place. Then we drove about 45 min out of the city to go apple picking. The weather was gorgeous, and and it was so relaxing to be out in the sunshine picking fruit away from the bustle of the city. Afterward, we went for a short hike in a nearby nature preserve. Then we came home and baked a pie.
After all that loveliness, I stayed up a bit too late trying to finish the latest book club book. This morning I hit the snooze on the alarm for two hours without realizing it. Then EGM got up and I dozed for another 30-45 min. I don't know what the deal was. I felt kind of achy with a headache and very blah. Thankfully, book club was canceled -- I didn't finish the book and I didn't want to be out late.
It was great to enjoy a day off, especially what was probably the last nice day of the year, but I still felt very stressed today. I need to stay on top of my anxiety so I can keep pressing on at the faster work pace without letting myself get overwhelmed. Only 6-8 weeks until I have to hand over my dissertation to my committee.
After all that loveliness, I stayed up a bit too late trying to finish the latest book club book. This morning I hit the snooze on the alarm for two hours without realizing it. Then EGM got up and I dozed for another 30-45 min. I don't know what the deal was. I felt kind of achy with a headache and very blah. Thankfully, book club was canceled -- I didn't finish the book and I didn't want to be out late.
It was great to enjoy a day off, especially what was probably the last nice day of the year, but I still felt very stressed today. I need to stay on top of my anxiety so I can keep pressing on at the faster work pace without letting myself get overwhelmed. Only 6-8 weeks until I have to hand over my dissertation to my committee.
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