Hey

Wow, it has been a REALLY long time since I've written anything here. So much has happened.

The biggest news is that I got divorced. It was utterly devastating, but I'm finally to a point where I recognize that I wasn't living my best life. I'm optimistic that I will find a healthier relationship that will endure. In the meantime, dating is hella time consuming, yo. I can't even believe how much of my emotional energy it's taking. Much more on this if I decide to keep writing here.

Once I finished grad school, I found I didn't have as much to say here. So much of the angst dissipated that I didn't need the outlet. However, blogging was SO helpful to me back then, and I'm finding that I'm really struggling now to keep the work balls in the air while pursuing a really active social life. This blog keeps popping in my head, and so I thought I might drop some thoughts here to help me get my productivity back on track.

Despite not commenting, I have actually been keeping up with many of my old favorite blogs. I hope to connect with some old friends and perhaps make some new ones!

BTW, what are people using when Reader goes away?

Inscrutable

Lately, I've been having trouble with the captchas on blogger. That is annoying.

I've also been having trouble finding time for the paper from my PhD that I'm working on. And getting down to business when I do have time for it. Wah.

NYR update

I'm doing exceptionally well with my new year resolution this year, which was to be a more active person.

I've been working out nearly every day! My only aim has been to just go. No other fitness goals. Even if it's 20 min of walking on the treadmill that doesn't break a sweat, it's a success. I just want to build exercise into my routine so that working out feels like something I just do at the end of the day instead of being a big deal. I've been doing weights a couple days a week, treadmill or elipitcal some days, and...wait for it...a dance class one day a week! I DID it! I've been taking ballet and it's really fun.

I've also been doing all sorts of social things. I'm extremely fortunate that I have recently landed in a group of friends who are doers. They plan all kinds of interesting things and get people to do them. I've said yes to some things I wouldn't have wanted to do in the past, and it has been quite rewarding. And I've had people over a couple of times too.

I'm not sure I can say the exercise has me feeling all that different except that I seem to have more energy for chores. I've been keeping the house WAY cleaner. A nice consequence of that is that I can have friends over on short notice without worrying if the toilet's gross.

Format, then delete

I don't want to polish text that's just going to get deleted.

That was my attitude about early drafts of papers that became my thesis. I wanted my advisors to read my work when it was relatively immature so that I could get reassurance that I was on the right track. I wanted to know the content was ok before I really got my hands dirty with the presentation.

But, as much as I wanted to do things that way, my advisors were unable to read early drafts for content without getting distracted by style. They would comment on all sorts of relatively minor things that were low on my priority list (although I'm sure they would say the problems were not minor). For example, tables with the gridlines showing, text that wasn't super well crafted. I would think, I'm not going to spend the time to format that table if you're going to tell me I should cut it. But it just couldn't work that way.

I had to learn to suck it up and make my drafts better before I handed them over for comments. My advisors sometimes wouldn't really get into the challenges of improving content if there were easier problems to fix. And they are so slow at reading my stuff that I realized I needed to make it as painless as possible for them. Further, their slowness means I want them to have to read fewer drafts, so making the first one as good as possible means less time waiting for feedback. Now I do everything I possibly can before I hand over a draft: journal-specific formatting, contact info, keywords, figures, whatever. I want them to know I'm serious about the draft so that they're serious with their feedback.

Interestingly, my postdoc advisor is great at reading early drafts. He has no problem ignoring presentation problems and commenting on the direction of a document. I'm not sure if it's because I'm so much better at the presentation now, making my drafts better and him feel like he doesn't have as much to teach me about writing, or if it's because he's not the perfectionist that my old advisor is. Probably both.

Girls in the office

Lately there has been a problem with the shared printer in my area. Lots of people use it, including some non-research, technical support type of folks who are all men and relatively new to our building. Yesterday, I saw one of them in the printer room, where we had the following conversation.

Dude: Should I go tell the girls in the office about this problem or have you already done that?
Me: No. You should tell [Man]. Do you know [Man]?
Dude: No.
Me: He looks like [description of Man].
Dude: Oh yes! I know who you mean. Where is his office?
Me: His office is [description of where Man works]. And they're women, not girls.
Dude: Thanks. Wait: what?
Me: The people who work in the office are women, not girls.
Dude: Oh. Oh! Should I go report myself to HR now?
Me: No. Just don't call them girls. [More description of the printer situation]
Dude: Thanks! I'll go find Man.
Me: Good luck!

I know some people think this is dumb, but it drives me absolutely fucking crazy when people call adult women girls. The women he was referring to are administrative assistants in their mid 40s to mid 50s. They are SO not girls. I think it's ok to call women girls when it's in the context of "girls' night out" or maybe dating, but not in a situation like this.

I was proud that I said something about it in the moment, but did not make it a big deal. I ignored his defensive joke, and continued the main conversation with no hostility. I wish I could do that sort of thing more often.

The worst part is that it crossed my mind to offer to take care of the problem myself, i.e., go email Man to report the problem. But why? Producing science by means of published papers is the mission of my institute. I was going back to my office to work on a paper. This man's job is in support of that mission in a kind of indirect way (i.e. although his work is important, he does not do research, write grants, or in any way produce new science). Why should I consider his time more valuable than mine? Honestly, this gender role shit is hard to shake.

Off to a good start

I went to the gym today. I had a good workout with a good stretch at the end.

I have tentative plans with a new-ish friend on Saturday.

Not failing yet, yo.

Stretch

My new year's resolution is to stretch. Literally and figuratively. I need to become a more active person.

On the literal side, I don't think I get enough physical activity regularly enough. I'm starting to feel like I'm aging, with my body getting stiff and crampy more often than I'd like. So I think I should make a point to stretch more, and that stretching should come with being more physically active.

In the figurative sense, I want to stretch out of my comfort zone. I have many interests and there are lots of things I'd like to do, but I pursue very few of them because I don't want to try new things on my own and I have trouble recruiting friends to do things with me. If I'm honest, that's mostly because I'm a little afraid to ask. So I'm going to make an effort to be more proactive and also more independent, and take charge of my evenings and weekends. I'll have to be more focused and proactive at work in order to allow myself to leave early enough to have evenings in which to do things. I'll have to make plans in advance for weekends so that I have accountability to get me out of the house. I'll have to put myself out there and invite people to do things with me. Also, I think I will finally, finally sign up for a dance class.

This mindset will also be helpful at work, as I expect to finally have data from my postdoc. It will be a kind of data that I've never worked with before, so I'll have to stretch my mind to conduct the analyses and interpret the results. It will be cool.

The psychology of being stuck

All week I floundered on a paper. It's one from my PhD that was really in pretty good shape in my thesis. I just had to extend the data analysis I did for the thesis, edit the text based on the new statistical results, and then do some other editing to include literature that has been published in the last two years (TWO YEARS since I defended! Reallly?!?!?!). Relatively straightforward, right? And that's good because the publishing plans of other groups is motivating me to get this thing out now.

I couldn't figure out how to do the analysis. I knew what I wanted to do conceptually, but I couldn't figure out how to execute it. The papers I found were like, way beyond my level. I found some helpful advice in some stats forums, but it wasn't specific enough to my problem. Finally on Thursday I talked with my old advisor, told her what I had figured out and where I was stuck, and we came up with a plan to move forward that puts the ball in her court for now.

The interesting thing is that once we figured out what to do, it became clear what else I could do on this paper that doesn't involve the stats results. All week I had been feeling like I couldn't do anything else until I had these stats nailed down. That's partly true because the outcome will have a big impact on how we tell the story. But, there are some sections that don't hinge on that outcome. I was just so caught up in my imposter syndrome that I couldn't see all the things I could do. Why do I (repeatedly) let this happen?

You win

Thanks for all the great advice about the job application. In the end, I did it. I think the application was a lot stronger than I ever thought it would be at this point in my postdoc, so I didn't feel like an ass when I pressed submit. I'm also really happy to have a research and teaching statement ready to revise for future applications.

It's funny because if I had read a post on any of your blogs that was similar to what I wrote last week, I would have responded as you all did -- totally apply! make the difficult decision when there's actually a decision to make! a man wouldn't hesitate! it's excellent practice! -- and yet, it was a real dilemma for a couple of days because my emotions were clouding my judgement. My friends have always tended to comment that I'm very rational and not overly emotional, so I'm always taken by surprise when my emotions interfere with decisions. I'm not complaining about that because I think it's helpful to listen to your emotions--your gut--to make sure you're considering factors that might be difficult to prioritize in a rational way. I'm happy to be emotional sometimes.

Anyway, I'm grateful for this wonderful blog community!

Should I apply?

I'm really stressed about some unbloggable issues in my personal life. Like, really stressed. It's making it difficult to deal with run-of-the-mill stressors like the hassle of getting license plate for my new car. And even more difficult to make more important decisions. So I turn to you, dear readers.

This post will probably self-destruct pretty soon. Sorry it's so long. I wrote it mostly so I could clear my head.

Ok, so I've been in my postdoc for a year and nine months. I made a rather big change in what I do and the new stuff is VERY sexy. It's also extremely interdisciplinary, to the degree that I would never learn the other parts well enough to do them myself (no one would). There have been quite a few job ads aimed at someone with my postdoc skills, including one in my PhD department. However, I decided not to apply for jobs this year for four reasons. 1) despite being in this lab for over a year, I have acquired very few of the skills someone would expect me to have coming out of a postdoc like this. Instead of learning the lab techniques, I have been designing experiments, writing proposals, and analyzing/interpreting already-collected data, all of which rely on the skills I acquired through my PhD. There's hope, though. One of my projects should start to bear data soon, and that will teach me screeds. Another should provide an opportunity to learn some of the lab skills, and a third will be cool as hell. So I should learn a lot in the next 6-12 months. 2) My publishing record sucks. The second paper from my PhD is now in press and I"m working on the third. The first paper from my postdoc has been rejected twice and we've been sitting on it. However, I expect the next year to be extremely productive in terms of papers. 3) My postdoc advisor suggested I wait, since next year my application would be SO much better and I don't want people to associate me with this year's weak application. 4) EGM is still not finished with his thesis. The date just keeps getting pushed back and he's feeling awful about it. I feel like he will feel terribly trapped, left behind, and like a failure if I get a permanent position and he has to go where I go. Like it would do permanent damage to our relationship.

My grad advisor has encouraged me to apply for the position in his department. In addition to the factors listed above, there are other reasons not to apply. 1) I don't think I'm competitive. 2) I have lots of friends among the grad students, and it would be a bit weird. 3) I have absolutely no business teaching the topic of my postdoc as a basic undergrad course. I simply do not have the background for it. 4) I'm still not convinced I want to be  professor. 5) I don't have the skills to launch a lab in the area of my postdoc research. 6) My negative feelings about the department have not yet entirely abated. 7) If on the off-off chance that I got this job, how annoyed would I be that I didn't apply elsewhere, like someplace in a better climate? 8) Given all this, I don't want to spend the time and effort on an application.

So, why would I even consider applying for it? 1) My institution really doesn't like to keep postdocs for more than three years, so applying for jobs next year is potentially going to leave me with a gap. 2) It's flattering to have someone encourage you to apply. 3) We know we mostly like this city 4) EGM could likely find something here, even though it would probably not be what he really wants 5) My contacts on the hiring committee might improve my chances 6) Would a man ever hold back in a situation like this? 7) This job is written for me, inasmuch as it's written for what I do now. I might be able to negotiate a later start date and by that point I would probably be qualified for the job. 8) My research is SO interdisciplinary that I would never be able to do it on my own. Thus, being close to my current postdoc lab would mean I could continue to collaborate with them. It might be one of the only ways to do this type of work long-term.

So, what should I do? I had decided not to apply, but then I got an email from grad advisor saying I should. The application is due Friday, and if I do it I think it will take me most of the week to put together something decent.

Nuggets

I bought myself a big bag of Hershey's Nuggets to use as rewards for work done. Read a paper? Get a nugget. Do a set of statistical tests? Get a nugget. Write a paragraph? Get a nugget.

One of the papers from my PhD needs to get submitted very soon. It's perhaps the most interesting of my thesis chapters, but also the most complex. My grad adviser and I sent samples from the project to one group of collaborators so they could make some measurements for an independent project and we sent data to another group so they could use it in a new model, and both groups will be ready to start writing soon. In addition, my postdoc adviser and I finally figured out how to revamp a paper that has been rejected twice, and I have substantial responsibilities for making that happen.

I don't care if I eat 25 nuggets a day if it means getting these two papers moving.

My website

Chall asked what I meant when I said I established a professional website. It's just going to be a typical university-style set of pages describing my research interests with stuff from my cv. It will also have a blog that I intend to update maybe 1-3 times a month with personal updates (e.g. when a paper gets accepted), commentary on cool papers, or observations from meetings.

The website for our recent conference was powered by Wordpress via my institution. At first I was all, "why are you giving me a blog when I asked for webpages?" But it turned out to be super easy to manage and it looked really slick. The content were all in "pages" and I used the blog part for "news". I plan to do something similar with my own site.

A cool feature of Wordpress (maybe Blogger or other platforms too) is that you can pay to have your own domain name but still use all the structure, templates, everything from Wordpress. So my page is ecogeofemme.com rather than ecogeofemme.wordpress.com which is kind of neat. Probably most of you already knew about that, but I didn't before this weekend.

I've been meaning to establish a website for my professional self for a long, long time. I simply don't have enough presence on the web, especially now that it's nearing the time when I'll be looking for jobs and I have all this exposure from the conference. I think I finally found a way to do it that's easy enough that I'll actually do it!

A bust, or just what I needed

This weekend was kind of a bust. I didn't manage to get my license plates, although I did try. I guess I need something from the dealer first. Also, there is some confusion about the sequence of events leading to me acquiring the correct permanent plates since I bought the car in a different state from where I live.

I started my own professional website using wordpress. It doesn't have a lick of content yet, but I did get the domain name and template established. I had some other light work in mind, but I didn't even touch it.

We did spend a bunch of time with friends this weekend, which was glorious. We really haven't gotten to see much of our friends for the last month+ since EGM's parents were here. I also vegged out a bunch. Although that is not so satisfying afterwards, I think I needed some intense down time. Unfortunately, I'm still feeling a little floppy today. I packed gym clothes. Maybe a workout after work will revive me.

One thing sort of off the list

Ok, so today was a little better than the past several days. I drafted a report summarizing last month's conference for our funding officers. It will need some revision, but it's close. I also made a decision about the next step in my experiment that won't work and figured out what part I need to buy for that. And...that's about it.

This weekend I need to get license plates and a parking permit for my new car. It will feel good to get those things done before the 11th hour.

Worn out

In the past 6 weeks I have

• Convened the 150-person conference for which I was the lead organizer.
• Hosted Ecogeoman's parents for a month. In our one-bedroom apartment.
• Coordinated the local travel of EGM's friends and family who were all visiting from overseas, including three of his friends (one with his baby), his brother + wife (who had different itineraries), his sister + wife + toddler.
• Traveled to my hometown.
• Had my car break down as soon as we got there.
• Bought a new car the next day.
• Had our wedding.

EGM's parents just left yesterday. It was an awful goodbye, despite the fact that we were all more than ready for some elbow room. Now I'm feeling guilty for being so terribly distracted from work.

Today I went to a seminar, had lunch with the speaker, read part of a paper that I am refereeing, downloaded the guide to authors for a journal we are targeting for a paper that's already been reviewed at two other journals, and read a few of the autism-related articles in the special feature of Nature (or was it Science? Doesn't matter, this is utterly unrelated to anything at all that I do). And looked at Facebook a whole lot.

I have something due-ish tomorrow, so hopefully that will spur greater productivity than today.

Hey

I haven't posted in a long time.

But the blog hasn't died. Although I haven't had much motivation to write, I've been keeping up on lots of other blogs and held this one in the back of my mind. I've wanted to write about many things about my postdoc that were puzzling or interesting, but I felt weird about sharing that stuff here for whatever reasons. Furthermore, I don't think I've needed this as an outlet in quite the same way since I defended.

However, I've been missing the blog lately. I have been pining for the intense period of productivity I had in the months before I defended. Obviously that was largely motivated by the looming deadline of my defense, but the accountability and support I got from blogging was really helpful.

So I think I'm going to make an effort to post somewhat regularly again. But instead of writing essays on how I think life as a scientist should be, I'm just going to write short updates about what I've been up to at work. We'll see how that goes.

Bad boys

Ecogeoman and I have been watching The X-Files from the beginning on Netflix. Tonight we got to the episode in season 7 where it's like an episode of the show Cops. I asked EGM if they had Cops in Far Off Land, wondering if he would get the comedy of the X-Files episode. To my mild surprise, he said yes. I asked if they had a Far Off Land version or if they just got the regular American version. "Ha!" he said. "There isn't enough crime in Far Off Land to have a whole show about it!"

Why do we live here again?  Oh yeah, 'cause there's no jobs in Far Off Land either.

One dot

I'm trying to switch from using two periods between sentences to just one. I prefer the look of two, but I know the world is switching, and I know my OCD boss uses one (although I haven't noticed him deleting periods from my documents, which wouldn't necessarily be out of character).

To facilitate this change and to help with other issues, I've starting writing with the formatting showing in Word. Research Advisor does that, and I always thought it was super distracting. Now I'm not only turning into my mother, but also my advisor.

Can you tell I'm in writing jail?

Montage mode

Sometimes when I have a lot of work to do, I try to imagine myself doing it like a movie montage. People in movies always seem to be able to get so much done with such joy when their work is overdubbed with upbeat music and they flip from one scene to the next. Dontcha wish you could go into montage mode sometimes?

Have I shared this here before?

Quality of life

Quite a long time ago, Karina asked her readers to imagine what could improve the quality of their lives.  I don't remember exactly what I said -- I think it was about job opportunities and health insurance or something. Well, I have better health insurance now with my postdoc and it's great. However, I think moving to our new place a year ago had an even greater impact on my quality of life.

• First and foremost, my commute is dramatically reduced compared to what it was.  It used to take me a minimum of 45 min and up to 2.5 hours to get to/from work. Now it's a reliable 30 min. On top of that, the more central location of the new place makes it easier to get out of town on weekends and to get to most of our friends. 

• I used to give EGM a ride most days and we would bicker about it each and every day (I need to go. But I haven't finished my coffee. I'm ready. Let me just put on my shoes. Come on!). Now he walks to work, so that tension is gone. 

• Due to poor security in the lobby at the old place, mail would regularly get lost and packages would get ripped off. Now there's a secure place for packages and we have an outgoing mail drop.  

• We used to hike three flights of outdoor stairs to coin-operated laundry that was often broken (I once fell on icy steps with a full basket of laundry). Now we have laundry in unit, which is just about the best thing evah. 

Our building has a number of other lovely amenities that are pretty damn nice. There are tradeoffs, of course. The most notable being that the new place is much smaller -- a one bedroom -- and we're having EGM's parents for a month in the fall. I have no idea how that's going to go.