Many, many people feel inferior compared to others in their field. Or they feel like they have no business doing the work they do, that they aren’t qualified to teach, or that nobody has realized how much they suck but as soon as the cat’s out of the bag, they’ll be fired. I don’t really feel this way. I feel lazy. I think I could be every bit as good as anyone else but I don’t really work hard enough, so I’m just mediocre. Interestingly, I don’t have a big problem with that, at least not at this point. Maybe when it’s time to compete for jobs I’ll be cursing my mediocrity.
I think if I put in really long days and was just obsessed with my research, I could turn out awesome papers that would earn me a great reputation in my field. But I don’t do that. I want other things from my life, too. Frankly, I don’t think I’m capable of working that way, either. I just don’t have that kind of concentration or endurance. Maybe that’s what separates the women from the girls.
But then I wonder if this, in fact, is an inferiority complex. I’m saying to myself that I’m not as good as some people because I can’t/don’t want to work that hard. Inferiority is sneaky.
I wonder: if everybody feels inferior, who feels superior? This isn’t just restricted to women, so we can’t say the men are all feeling great. Does everybody feel like she can’t live up to the productivity of her colleague? Or is it a game we play with ourselves to deal with the self-motivation necessary for research? I thought I'd try a little poll to see where people stand. I use the phrase "better than me" in the context of comparing your work to that of your colleagues, i.e., I don't mean to say that other people are of higher quality overall.
13 comments:
This is something I think about a lot too. When I'm just in my department, interacting with colleagues and doing my thing, I don't really care that I'm not as productive as I could be. I like having a life outside work. But when I go to conferences, I wish I were more well-known or that my work had a bigger impact. But these are relatively transitory experiences, so as long as I get tenure next year, I think overall I don't care that much that I'm not the superstar of my generation.
When I first started in my postdoc lab I had a huge inferiority complex. I was younger than the youngest grad student, I was educated in a different field, no one wanted a postdoc in the lab, and no one spoke to me. I felt that I had no validity as a researcher and no right to be there.
There are no freaking circumstances on this bloody earth that will ever make me make myself feel that way again. It was a very bad way to feel.
Like you and Ianqui I'm happy to be doing research, I'm not going to ruin my life for the sake of a few massively high impact papers, and I wont ruin the health and wellbeing of my future students to do the same either.
I'm usually ok with the work that I'm doing. On some level, I wish I could be more productive (get papers out faster, although I do a pretty good job with the conference papers), but I'm mostly fine with it. But sometimes, I do feel jealous of some of my younger colleagues, because I feel like they are just blowing me out of the water in terms of productivity. (They aren't, really, but it just feels that way sometimes---and they are all single, with no other responsibilities, so I feel like of course they are working all the time and I am not, obviously.) I know that I'm doing just fine in terms of being in good shape for tenure, research-wise, but it's hard not to feel bad about yourself when you perceive that everyone is working harder than you. So I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that your post really resonated with me. :)
popter doc, that sounds awful! I hope you are able to establish a happy yet productive lab where nobody ever feels like that.
Hmmm...interesting. I feel both, unwilling to give up my life but also unsure that I would be better. I used to give up my life but as I tell people, I long ago got over my over-achiver complex.
I think there are plenty of people in my field who are more successful than I am. I could definitely match some of them by working harder. But there are also those who are so much more talented and motivated than I am that it would take way more effort than I'm willing or able to give for me to match them. And I'm fine with that, although the little green jealousy monster does rear its head every once in a while.
The thing I'm not really fine with is the role that luck plays in success. In my field, work ethic does not necessarily correlate with success. Neither does intelligence, for that matter. Sometimes great discoveries are the result of pure, dumb luck. And some projects seem to be smooth sailing while others keep hitting technical walls. It is this unpredictable and uncontrollable aspect of success in science that is hard for me to swallow.
I don't think it should be seen as having a "inferiority complex" to recognize that you have interests outside of science and don't want to work 70 hours a week. If you recognize that about yourself, recognize that maybe you won't publish as much as some others who put in more hours, and you are fine with all that--I don't know why this should be seen as any kind of inferiority complex as all.
I agree with everything Mad Hatter said about luck. We've all seen the person who just *walked into* a project and it took off like a rocketship, carrying them forward to fame and glory (or at least a high-impact publication). And then there's the equally talented/dedicated scientist who busts his/her butt over weekends and nights for over a year, but has the misfortune to get results that simply are not as "sexy." The universe cannot be predicted, and it's not always fair.
All that said... I believe that I am competent in my field, no more and no less. And competency was and is fine with me.
I'm not a scientist, so I didn't participate in the poll because I didn't want to skew your results, but I too, feel unwilling to put all my life, blood, and energy into my job and sometimes I think it holds me back.
The annoying thing though is, I am productive, in general. I'm a fast worker, and I get my work done early. But in my field, it doesn't matter really when you get your work done. You need to stay around until 8:30 at night to prove that you are committed, whether you're doing anything or not. So for me the answer is, I think I am as good as everyone else, and that my work is as good or better than everyone else's, but I'm not really willing to participate in all these political shenanigans that are required for me to really move up.
It could be like in high-school, where almost everyone thinks that the others look better, are cooler, etc.. Doesn't mean that those have more self-confidence.
Howevever, at least in my field there are enough people who consider themselves great. I think I could work more, but only at the cost of having a life, and actually I would rather like to get more of that than less.
I said that I was lazy the other day, and one of my colleagues laughed out loud. I was so surprised by her reaction, but it turns out, she thought my statement was the most ridiculous she had heard in a long time. Turns out I work a lot and balance many thing and actually still get out some useful research. Who knew?
I think we all need these kinds of reality checks... especially at the beginning of the semester when we are not quite ready for it to start!!
what interesting comments from all!
My feelings on all these "complexes" have shifted a lot over the course of my career. So if you're really suffering ... know there is hope!
Wow, thanks for this. I'm sitting here, trying to do my thesis. Instead I'm typing 'I'm a lazy PhD student' into google (it's not the only phrases related to my PhD I'm typed into google, that wonderful late night friend) and up comes your post.
This is something we discuss in the lab all the time, and it certainly seems as if all of our views about our own productivity, and the way others see it, are skewed. Unless you're being leant on and told by the forces above you (supervisory panel, etc) that you're slacking, then you're generally doing alright.
It still doesn't help, though, when it's late at night, everyone has gone home, and really, you just can't be arsed writing those next few pages...
Post a Comment